[sma1234]

Hello,

I have recently discovered some things about the guy I have been living with for a year, that fits right into the catagories for psychopathic behaviour. Pathalogical lying, has been in an internet relationship with an old girlfriend, that he had no intention of ever going through with (he has since cut it off with her)

He says he has been hospitalized for breakdown caused by PTSD.

I don't want to fall into that sucker catagory, but I really think he does feel empathy. He has talked some about things he went through in the military and I saw guilt, and remorse there. He has low self esteem.

I really beleive he wants to change his behaviour. He says he does, and has agreed to get help from the VA. If he really wants to change (I really beleive he does) is there a possibility he can be helped??

I hate to sound like a victim here, but honestly beleive he loves me to death. He has said he would die for me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

Is there the posibility he can change? and he can be helped? And what would you suggest for treatment?
Thank You

[Hcab_Tep]

Psychopathy-if that is truly what he has-is difficult but not impossible to treat. He may need to be reevaluated at the VA for PTSD and other related syndromes.

PSB

[sma1234]

Thank you. and I don't know if he does have psychopathy. He has desplayed a lot of the behaviours of a psychopath . He has agreed to go make an appointment with the VA. He has a hard time telling the truth about anything, though. This is very disturbing to me.

I came home one night to find he had been writing on the computer. I saw what he wrote, he did let me look. It was very emotional. I remember he said he saw (my ) face and wanted to dive in and end it all. I didn't understand at the time what he meant, but about that time, he confessed to his old girlfriend that he was living with me, and cut that internet relationship off. That meant he wanted to stop this behaviour. I beleive he really wants help.

[happysappy]

I feel he can progress if he receives the right help. PTSD is very hard on a person, it makes them do things that might seem strange to an outsider. The VA would be a good place to start, they are also aware of the trauma that war can cause. They have resources for trauma therapy but yet I know some ex soldiers don't want to go to the VA to appear they are weak or something, they don't want the records. But if he is trying, that is a good sign. But it may take some time, and he will need a tremendous amount of support. He may even get worse before he gets better. YOu need to decide if you can be there for him during all of this, it isn't easy. Good luck.

[SpottedOwl]

Hi Sma1234,

I believe that people can change if they want to, and with the right support in place.

I appreciate that you want to help him, and be there for him through a difficult time. That said, the best way that you can support him is by making sure that YOU are taking really good care of yourself.

Being a caregiver can cause a lot of stress and worry, so I would not only recommend your guy go get help, but I would encourage you to get some support at the same time.

Maybe if you went to get some help, he would see there is nothing wrong with getting help. In my own life, I have found the best way to help those I love is by leading the way with my own actions. My guy would not get help until months after I started T. He saw how much going to therapy helped me, and then he finally took that step.

[Simcha]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sma1234 said:
Hello,

I have recently discovered some things about the guy I have been living with for a year, that fits right into the catagories for psychopathic behaviour. Pathalogical lying, has been in an internet relationship with an old girlfriend, that he had no intention of ever going through with (he has since cut it off with her)

He says he has been hospitalized for breakdown caused by PTSD.

I don't want to fall into that sucker catagory, but I really think he does feel empathy. He has talked some about things he went through in the military and I saw guilt, and remorse there. He has low self esteem.

I really beleive he wants to change his behaviour. He says he does, and has agreed to get help from the VA. If he really wants to change (I really beleive he does) is there a possibility he can be helped??

I hate to sound like a victim here, but honestly beleive he loves me to death. He has said he would die for me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

Is there the posibility he can change? and he can be helped? And what would you suggest for treatment?
Thank You

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I wouldn't recommend the VA (Veterans Administration). Go to a private practitioner in psychology for the best results. The VA is notorious for inadequate and inappropriate "treatment." I say this as a veteran myself.

Can people change? Of course. The question is... do they want to change?
I want to challenge your thinking for a moment though... if he would die for you, why does he have Internet affairs? This isn't a "symptom" of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, so I hope he isn't using that as an excuse for his behavior.

If he has infidelities, this won't change after your married on it's own. You can't make someone change to fit an ideal that you have either. I would suggest that you seek a psychologist yourself, because this has to be very stressful for you.

I really hope it works out for you.

[little*rhino]

i lived with a man who was going through active psychosis... and let me share what i learned, well, some of it. First and foremost, do what your head tells you is in your best interests. Chronic psychologically impaired behaviours need to be taken seriously, regardless of psychopathic or not. The lying would make it very difficult to know what is happening. It can be like living with an alcoholic or drug addict... meaning that a lot of what happens is controlled by illness and not by either of you per se.

you just briefly described ONE year of living together... imagine for a second describing 5 or 10... be realistic, how to you forsee that?

if you aren't ok with things as they are, that there are behaviours you cannot accept NOW... then break it off.. you cannot change someone and you cannot go into it with the expectation or hope if change as your deal-breaker. When i met my ex i knew he had an illness, and as much as i hoped he could improve, i was ok with accepting the man i met as he was.. it wasn't until it got much much worse did i leave.

if he has any sort of major disorder he will need to be extremely committed to change... and believe me, saying you'd die for someone is easier than the change he would face. When i learned that a lot of the behaviours i saw were so stereotypical and not unique to him.. that helped a lot. Your guy may mean what he says, he may not, but sometimes he might not even know the difference because he's in the middle of it. You need to make objective decisions.. for you seperate from your feelings of empathy for him.

i don't mean to just say to drop him straight out, but i do say quite strongly that you should drop him if you cannot accept him as he is now, knowing what you know now.

if you stay and he seeks help you need to do a couple of things... the first is to make an agreement with him that you intend to honor, like he goes into treatment, etc... second, get a therapist for yourself... try to find a support group locally for people with loved ones who have mental illness, it made a huge difference for me.

i hope you find answers that work for you... PM me if you ever feel like talking

[sma1234]

Thank you Candika. I would like to hear more from you. Apparently I can't send PM's without enough posts. I am new to this site. If you send me one, I can respond though I think.

[romanjames2004]

Every one on here has great information. Do what they say and you should be fine. If you realy care for this man you could also try goinfg to some kind of therapy with him. Just so you guys can tell each other what is going on. It will also be beneficial to him because he can talk about what ever he is going through. I hope everything works out wiht you and him. Good Luck

Roman J

[Simcha]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
romanjames2004 said:
Every one on here has great information. Do what they say and you should be fine. If you realy care for this man you could also try goinfg to some kind of therapy with him. Just so you guys can tell each other what is going on. It will also be beneficial to him because he can talk about what ever he is going through. I hope everything works out wiht you and him. Good Luck

Roman J

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Probably something like 50% of people who could really benefit from therapy aren't getting any, and I'd imagine amongst males that the number is a lot higher. Attitudes are starting to change though, and it's becoming "okay" for men to get therapy and not feel sissy about it.
Thank goodness.

[sma1234]

Thanks all for your encouragement. I think VA is the place to start right now. Maybe other therapist when insurance kicks in.

Anyone have any ideas on how to choose a Therapist? Don't know much about this?

Thank You
Sma1234

[sma1234]

I don't know what to do. I go back anf forth between wanting to help him get help, and realizing I never signed up for this in the first place. Never wanted to live with or be a mother to anyone, and there is that I don't really even know the real person inside. I do beleive he would do anything to keep me, but is that because he needs someone to take care of him, or he really does have feelings.

I feel I cant talk to my friends about this, wish I could talk to a therapist, but can't afford one. My business has been way down, partly because of this distraction.

I want to explain this to him, but if he doesn't really have ability to empathize, that will onle be worse.

I wish I could talk to a therapist. I never have in my life, but could use it now.