[MissCharlotte]

I'm not in therapy--I don't care about therapy--I can't think of anything interesting to say about therapy.

That's what it feels like. With T on vacation, I can't help myself. Somehow I put him away somewhere--on the shelf in the attic, wherever. But I am having a hard time "feeling" him. This is my perennial dilemma. Intellectually I know he is my therapist but emotionally this freaking wall grows and I"m like, "what T?" I feel as though when he gets back I don't have to go back to therapy anymore--as if last week was our last session.
Today I saw some old and dear friends who I worked with many years ago. Don't know if this has something to do with how I feel about T. It's as if I can go back but not forward? I'm having a hard time getting a handle on my feelings but this is what I meant about re-inventing myself.

Dang.

[SpottedOwl]

(((Miss Charlotte)))

You're not alone, I understand what you're talking about.

I thought when T went on vacation I'd be fine. I started to think about how to support myself -- not *while he was gone*, but period. My head somehow treated it as a permanent condition. I started to think maybe when he gets back the therapy would end.

I'm guessing it is part survival instinct, protecting myself in case T doesn't come back. I also think it is partly a good opportunity to grow, to 'test' the idea of supporting myself without T there. (Although I certainly didn't have this perspective at the time.)

What does it feel like not to be in therapy anymore? How can you support yourself as a person 'not in therapy'?



T came back, and I think I've let down more walls in a few weeks than I did for months.

I'm excited for you MissCharlotte, and I say embrace not being in therapy anymore!

Many

[MissCharlotte]

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How can you support yourself as a person 'not in therapy'?

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I can't. Today I was absolutely fine. But there's something missing. What if he's dead? What if I am dead and just observing this from the other side?

[little*rhino]

omg... i laughed outloud and hard to your siggy.... hhahahaha... omg

i am so sorry you feel disconnected Miss... but it's prolly what you know how to do.. to protect yourself from hurt.

do you feel like the hurt feelings are going to swallow you or something bad?

smoocheroos

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss C )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I remember last time t was on vacation, I was able to hang onto him in my head/heart for a few days, but then I just put up the walls and shut down. And really SERIOUSLY thought about quitting when he came back. Just like you said...:"what T?"

I did go back when he returned, and I'm glad I did. I think it was just a way to protect myself when he was gone. You know, if I don't really need him, then it's fine that he's not there!

Hang in there - he'll be back.

[Kiya]

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MissCharlotte said:
I can't. Today I was absolutely fine. But there's something missing. What if he's dead? What if I am dead and just observing this from the other side?

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=( Can i give you a hug?? And send Bene your way? I can part with him a for a lil bit. He can send some T energy to you. I, too, was shocked at the siggy - but first i saw the hammer! And said "oh no!!! It's a hammer!!" And then saw the snake, started laughing, then saw the saying underneath and was sobered. =( Poor miss. I agree - it is a protection thing. Shut the walls to the hurt before it gets you.
can you try to hold the double reality? That you have closed the doors, t is gone, you are in protection mode... *as well as* t is coming back and when he does, you will open the doors and he will be real again?
I too feel like t is gone. But i am lucky in a way - this week MD replaced her (huh - hoping that was not an unconscious self sabotage to get md to replace her... no, i don't think even my unconscious would go to those lenghts of a hospital visit.... i hope).
((((((((miss!!!))))))))))) did you look at the pic on the phone?? did it help at all?? Did you draw him like you talked about?

[Mouse_]

MC, yeah for the first week I felt as if I wasn't in T anymore, and even felt I no longer fitted in writing or reading about T here. I think perhaps I had to experience that so I could experience being able to find her again. I fell apart for a while now I'm okish again. I'm finding that journalling has helped me the most.

[chaotic13]

Miss C my T is not on vacation but yesterday I very much wanted to talk with her. My H and I are having yet another issue... whatever and I just wanted her support. However, I emailed her a few time immediately following my session 2 weeks ago and decided... I didn't want to run the risk of abusing her support... SO. I started thinking about how to support myself with my current situation.

It turns out while I was stuck in traffic on a road trip to a family gathering, it put my ipod on and listen to an Oprah podcast (an interview with Eckard tolle). This was just enough to get me more in the "here and now" and away from the negativity that was going on with my H. Then when I reached my destination I was in the right state of mind. I end up sitting with an older aunt who radiates nothing but positive energy. I had a great day and although we talked about nothing deep, I was just able to enjoy the positive energy. Today I am back home and my H (not deliberately) is being negative. But I have the reserve today to handle it.

Maybe today you could just let yourself forget about your T and just look for another small pocket of sunshine around you. This might give you enough to get though another day, until he gets back.

[MissCharlotte]

Thanks guys.

Mouse, I tried doing some journaling but it's just not coming right now. Chaotic, nice story and uplifting. Maybe I'll plug in. I did feel pretty good most of the day but now I am just so anxious and blah.

I really wish I could just go to sleep and wake up and the vacation would be over.

Sigh

[skeksi]

I hope you're feeling more connected soon, Miss C.