Tearing the plaster.

Though I think I'm doing better this summer break then at other times I still have that feeling inside that feels like a wall of pain. The memory I often have is off my trying to get my adoptive mothers attention/pity/sympahy? I can't rememember exactly but its like all the times up until this day hadn't been final, but this day its as if I had set her a test and if she failed this days test I-would-know-finally.

So as I say its unclear what it was I was trying to get from her, but whatever it was, it failed and I remember being so upset/angry that I stormed out to our yard steps and sat and cried a 1000 tears finally knowing the truth, the truth that she didn't love me. I remember looking at a plaster I had on my knee and deciding to do the thing a child is most afraid off, to take it off. I remember crying knowing there was no one else to do this for me, yes I think the plaster become symbolic, and I kept peeling the plaster bit by bit with that fear in my stomach and finally I did it. By the time the plaster was off, my tears had stopped and my "toughness" had returned and I knew then that I would never try and get my adoptive mothers love again.

I remember going back indoors and perhaps wondering if she had softened? if perhaps she felt bad? becauase I wanted/needed her too, but no, she had resumned her position of head down and me being a child had no way of connecting with her again.

I think this is what I feel with T, that I am terrified she will be indifferent to my pain when I return after the break, like my adoptive mother was indifferent to me that day, that its like a battle of wills, that I will go back to T wanting to see if she feels bad about leaving me, but knowing she won't. I know this is a opputurnity to change this memory, to-do-it-differently this time, to talk about how I feel and what I feel I need from her. But the memory of that interaction between me and mum is so powerful, so real, so now that its hard to tell myself that T isnt mum and she does care and I dont have to go it alone.

Perhaps we can peel that plaster off together??

I hope so mouse. Tear it off together. Or even start to hold the "yes, AND" space in your mind/heart... where yes, t is not mom, and yes, t went on vacation, and yes, chances are she's not going to feel bad about that AND....
AND she can know how much you hurt. And she can still be with you. And you can tear the old wounding off and let that pain heal underneath.
(((((((((((((((((mouse))))))))))))))))))))))

That memory is very powerful and full of info for you to analyze and use to move forward......

I know that feeling.