[MissCharlotte]

Why does it feel like:

*I can't go back next week; or T won't come back next week.
*T's voice sounds like a stranger on the answering machine.
*I can't reconcile what I know in my head with what I feel (or don't feel) in my heart.
*I am completely disconnected from him.
*I am an alien

???

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss C ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It's so hard to hang onto T for such a long time while he's gone. I can't hang on to him between appointments sometimes.

When my T has gone on vacation and left me messages, they've seemed really helpful for a few days, and then he sort of starts to fade from my mind, and the whole therapy relationship, experience, etc. almost starts to feel like something I just made up.

BUT! This last time, when I saw T again, the connection was there immediately. I was so happy to see him, he was happy to see me, and the whole vacation kind of faded away. Other times, it took a little more work - but the connection has come back every time. AND IT WILL COME BACK FOR YOU TOO. (((((((((((((((((((( Miss ))))))))))))))))))))

Would it help to write a letter to T - not to send, just for you? Sometimes nothing helps but T coming back. And he will be back. Hang in there, even though it's hard.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( Miss ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

=(
I'm so sorry you feel all this Miss... *sends benedict over to keep you company* I won't need him (much) till Wed. Wish there were more i could do.

[SpottedOwl]

((((Miss Charlotte))))

I'm sorry this is so hard. You've done a great job so far, and you're *almost* there.

I also wanted to try to answer your question...of why?
For me, it often helps to understand what I'm going through.

Perhaps you are experiencing 'cognitive dissonance'.
A strong relationship with T is so important for healing. But, at the same time there is the question of whether T will come back. Part of you wants to be close to T, the other part wants to protect yourself from being hurt if T doesn't come back.

If that doesn't help, please ignore and just accept my many, many

[MissCharlotte]

Thanks guys, for your hugs and support.

Earthmama, I have often written letters and such. This time for some reason I can't. I wrote a poem the other night and lost it on my computer and don't care. It's just that I have been with him two years and I wish I were able to hold onto the connection better.
I hope you are right but I suspect the return will be really hard too. I think I am depressed again.

Kiya, Thanks for bene--I will take good care of him. Can I feed him dog chow?

Spotted, I think a cognitive dissonance may be there but in a different context than what you described. I'm not protecting myself--I already know he hurt me. It's more like, if he doesn't come back then I have to really really really start over again and I don't have the energy for that anymore in my life.

OH well, off to work.

Thanks.

[Mouse_]

Miss C, You will be able to hold onto the "good" feelings one day. Its a process and right now its still painful, but try to imagine life before you knew your T? I do that sometimes and prefer the discomfort of missing her to the life I had before I even knew her, when I look at it that way, I do see that is something good amongst all the pain I am experiencing.

Take care.

[Kiya]

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MissCharlotte said:
Kiya, Thanks for bene--I will take good care of him. Can I feed him dog chow?

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Oh i'm sure you can. And if he's still hungry, he'll just raid your pantry.... if you see anything missing, you'll know why.

((((((((((((Miss)))))))))))))))))))