A session for the history books

Mention of SI

What to do with all of this anger I have right now...

So I had a session at 11:30 today. No, not my normal time but they gave away my 7pm slot to someone else. This after I thought I had 7pm booked but hey...don't expect anything from my T...

At the beginning of the session, T tells me his contractor may call and he may need to pop out of the office for a minute. Okay, he told me fine. Well, at one point, we are in the middle of a tough moment for me.

I was recounting a prior suicidal moment that I had never told him about. I had planned to talk about this today and was nervous about it when he said he might have to step out. Should've listened to the instincts.

Right in the middle of my sentence talking about this SI moment....the cell rings and out the door he goes!!!!!

He just left me there, just as my dad did years ago....all alone. I was shocked to say the least. He came back, no apology and said "you were saying"...

I told him the rest and then was quiet....just stared at him said nothing....he ended and I left. I was seething, absolutely seething. An hour later, I called and cancelled my Wed spot this week. I have never done that but I just couldn't believe he did this to me.

I left him a message telling him exactly why I was cancelling, I didn't just covertly cancel. I wasn't nice but didn't yell....

He called around 6pm tonight which was a huge shock, he never does that. he defensively says "so apparently you are upset with me"....I said are you kidding me? I tell you about an SI moment and you leave, turn your back on me and now your being defensive?

I said well maybe that was the reaction you wanted from me then. He did apologize but didn't sound sincere at all. At one point he said sometimes I ask my patients for a favor, like his needing to step out, and now he knows that it will never ever be okay with me. So he knows now for future sessions.

I have accommodated him many times, I found this so appalling. I started crying and said well this is nice, turn it around on me. He was pretty cold on the phone. I couldn't say much, I was too shocked.

He said he's never gotten the reaction from me like he did today just stepping out for a minute. He doesn't get it. He said Wed was cancelled like I wanted and I asked for it back. There is no way this is the last word...

I realize I am not easy but good lord...I am his toughest patient? Really? This is the first time in almost three years that I even called to cancel a session.....almost three years!!!!!!!!

He's moved mine plenty...just feels like I can't have any feelings about what his does or doesn't do....he once said he loves me unconditionally....I beg to differ on that one.

Am I wrong here? Mid sentence, sensitive subject....he bolts....but its my fault?????????

Wow! That's a hard one! I am sorry that happened to you. I am proud of you for telling him! I am not that comfortable with my T yet.

I wouldn't presume to judge this whole situation but this one thing sounds really obnoxious, as if he is saying you are totally selfish. For expecting to be listened to in a difficult moment? You didn't know in advance that the session was going to lead to this kind of moment, and he should have had the judgment to know that he can call his contractor later.

It's possible he stepped out because he just didn't realize how upset you were, but in that case it should have been a sincere apology.

That is incredibly difficult. I had a difficult session with my T when some people had called in the middle of my session and she took it. Then made several other phone calls and was in on a short call conference while it was my time. I was LIVID, well really, I was hurt. Dealing with my trauma issues then having the phone interrupt and having her excuse herself again later to do a conference call was infuriating to me. I told her later how upset I was - that I felt like a side thought. She was not hearing me at all that whole session, her mind was on the man who had an emergency the night before. She said that was "fair enough" and that I simply had to remember she was human, and her clients are human, and they too have emergencies.
I was mad, I didn't want her to be human, not during my session, not during that moment it took me so long to get the guts to disclose some of that trauma. But in the end, I looked at all of the things we've been through, and all of the things she's given me, and how I can indeed forgive her for being human.
It's not easy, but, it happens.

You are not alone in this except for I did not know he was going to step out or end our session early. I was in the middle of something and he got a call that he needed to take and then ended really abruptly. I was so upset and felt "dismissed". I did the same thing in cancelling and then changed my mind. When I went in there to explain he did not even get it.

I never get frustrated about stuff like this and he knows that. It was just this one time b/c something else was going on and like you I remember a parent doing that to me all the time.

Here is what I finally realized for myself. It's not that he did not want to understand it was that he got too caught up in his world to. You are not the worst patient and don't put that on yourself, I get that you have enough going on without blaming yourself for his lack of seeing the whole picture. If you T is good and you like working with him then stay with this and decide if it is worth looking at for your own well being.

Lauren, I'm of a split mind here. I can see how it was upsetting to have your session interrupted with T's personal business. I can see how you were in the middle of a really important revelation and your T didn't honor that by refusing the incoming call. I can see all of that! But.... I have been in this same situation a number of times, and I did not get angry or upset. My T does occasionally take a call during my session, and will forewarn me about it, just as yours did. So I am prepared when the call comes, and he is always very brief and lets me hear his half of it, never leaves the room. As soon as he hangs up, he always returns immediately to what we were talking about, "you were saying that such and such...." With that sentence, he lets me know he has kept our conversation in the forefront of his mind. That makes me feel really valued. In my (defunct) marriage, my H talked very little to me and when we were talking, if he got called away or there was an interruption, no matter how brief or insignificant, he never ever returned to our conversation to pick up where we left off. The conversation was over. This behavior made me feel very unvalued and not cared about. (Sure, many times I would remind him what we were talking about, but that gets old after 20 years, to never have the other person want to resume talking with you.) Anyway, my reaction to my T's returning immediately to our conversation and picking up without losing a beat is always one of feeling very valued and cared for. It gives me a warm feeling. Yet in response to pretty much the same thing you felt upset and angry, perhaps because of how your father treated you. I also feel that maybe my T wouldn't feel comfortable taking a call with all his clients. That he can ask me to allow him to take a call shows that we are close and can be flexible with each other. He has certainly given me "more" than what's been called for a number of times. Anyway, his asking me for this "favor", makes me feel closer to him and good about our relationship. That's part of what reciprocity is--you do me a favor, I'll do one for you. There are a number of aspects of our relationship that contain reciprocity and that is of great value to me. I understand that other people value other aspects more.

Anyway, I can see how what you experienced was hard, Lauren. I also think your therapist had expectations that the two of you were close enough that he could ask for this favor and have you accommodate him. But you were upset. So he will know now in the future to keep things "by the book". Sometimes it is hard to have unequal expectations in a relationship and I think what you and he experienced was an example of that. I think your T was very awkward in how he handled this on the phone with you. It sounds like he was trying to tell you that he understands that his taking a phone call is unacceptable to you and will not do it in the future, that he is respecting the boundaries you are establishing for the relationship. But from your description he did sound a bit put out, and like he was trying to make it about you ("my other clients let me take calls..."). I think he was defensive, but I also think he's going to be careful to treat you like you want to be treated in the future, and maybe more sensitive to how his in session calls could affect clients.

You did a great job being very direct, expressing your anger, and telling him what was wrong. Do you need to talk about this more or would it just be covering the same ground? It almost sounds like you are looking forward to "punishing" your T for this by returning to it at your next session. Are you looking for a different sort of acknowledgement from him, perhaps a more sincere apology? But he did apologize on the phone. Do you want him to say "I was wrong Lauren, please forgive me"? Do you want to make him grovel? What are you looking for, Lauren? Sometimes I repeat things in therapy and my T says, you already said that. I can get in a loop and T can help me get out by indicating he understands what I have said, that he has heard me. (So I don't need to say it again!) Please don't think I'm trying to minimize your situation. If you need to talk about this some more in session, then you do.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( lauren helene ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

This would have upset me too, particularly the timing of it.

My T has never, EVER taken a call during my session. My session time feels very sacred. I asked him about it once..what if there was a family emergency, for example? - and he said he checks his messages between each session, and would deal with it then. It makes me feel safe and valued to know that we won't be interrupted.

It sounds like your T is not valuing how you feel about what happened. If he does take phone calls occasionally during sessions, then I would think he would be used to the variety of responses that might come up. I'm sorry that you feel invalidated.

Sometimes I read things in T's tone that I get totally wrong, and once we talk about it, and what was going through each of our minds, I "get" what was actually going on. I hope you will discuss this more when you see him on Wednesday.

Stormy that would throw me way over the edge...it shouldn't though there have been times that T has gone out of his way for me and I keep forgetting those times.Thanks for reminding me of the whole picture

Hey sunny, he took the call and left the room midsentence. I felt alone and scared and likened it to when my dad found out I had SI'd, he told me not to tell anyone and then left my room....didn't even ask how many pills I took.

I see again this is more about my past than T...I've never reacted to him like that before and he is hurt and mad...I can tell. I wonder if we can get past this?

You are right on the 'you were saying' comment from T...I should've caught that but I didn't.

Yeah I think my reaction of calling and saying I was mad and then cancelling the next session brought about his tone of voice with me. When he said he would never again make a mistake and would try hard to be perfect....paraphrasing a bit....I felt awful....I hope we can get past this but I'm not sure

This sounds like really significant connection. I hope you can share with your T. It will probably give him a lot of insight.

I think you can. Hold on to your memories of some of your other great and reciprocal experiences with your T. They are reality too. Let them help you over this hump. I am glad you are keeping your Wednesday appointment. Your acting out by canceling got his attention, but it shows a lot of maturity on your part to be able to deal with this by talking directly about it with your T.

I would have been pissed too. So far my T has not taken calls during my session. A few times she has asked me to give her a minute between clients--probably to make a call, write a note, or check something. I don't mind this because if we start late we usually end late, so I get the attention I both like and hate at the same time.