**Trigger icon applied for a single mention of suicide-- it is not the basis for the content of this post**

Since my dad passed away, I feel as though my life has been separated into two parts-- Part I is before he died, Part II is after.

In regards to how this plays into my therapy-- anything we were working on during Part I doesn't even matter anymore because it has been completely taken over by the thing that caused Part II to happen.

In regards to my relationships-- I don't want anyone besides my dad. I feel like pushing people away and saying, "Ok, but you're not my dad." This includes T. I don't know what I want from him.

I have a crappy session time, which is Wednesdays at 10 am. Not only it this before school, but it is the time in which road construction occurs because it is no longer rush hour. For the past two weeks, I have been quite late to session because of lane closures on a bridge. Last week there was also a closure which caused a two lane highway to be reduced to one lane, so only one lane could move by at a time. I was 30-minutes late. I cannot even see him twice per week anymore.

He has been very gracious with the whole "call or write anytime" thing. He always has been, but he has made this especially known since my father's passing. Last week's session sucked. I don't remember what the **** happened, but I know I didn't feel any connection. I do remember the very end. I asked him if the session was over-- I couldn't tell if we had gone 15 minutes over, or if he was going to give 15 extra minutes. He said that it was over and I said, "So this is it." He asked, "What is?" I said, "This. That's it." I said good-bye and walked out. About a half-hour later, I got a call from him. He said that he realized what I meant by "So this is it" (my feelings of disconnection, unhappiness with my new therapy time, disbelief of what life is like without my dad etc.) He told me that he was also calling because he never got a chance to tell me I could call or write whenever I want-- and he said that even though I knew I could, he just wanted to make sure he told me. He went on to talk about wanting to do EMDR next week.

So the next day I called him. I couldn't go to work because a lot of the grief that I had been stuffing down was all coming out (in addition to the passing of my father, I lost one of my clients to suicide two weeks ago). I woke up in a fit of anxiety because of a nightmare about my parents. I left T a message and he called back later that day. By the time he called back, I was already sorry that I had left the message because I didn't have anything to say. How many times can I call him and cry about the same thing that he can't do anything about? So anyway, he calls back and he was relatively quiet during the phone call. I remember that I began to cry as I spoke about my feelings of grief. He told me I could call him or email him anytime, but that he had to go because he had someone waiting.

Since that call, I haven't felt like contacting him at all. On Friday, a situation happened where in the past, I wouldn't have hesitated to call him (I got pulled over for having an expired inspection sticker and the cop found out that my registration was expired by a month and a half so he had my car towed and just left me there while I was supposed to be at a mandatory function for doctoral school). Then again, the fact that I didn't call him is also a positive thing. I asserted my independence and self-sufficiency. I re-registered my car and took a couple of buses to get me to school. I found my own way home at the end of the day, had H drive me to the traffic court, and got my car back. I did all of this because when I was standing in the street after my car was taken away, I thought of my dad. He was the most practical and logical person that I ever knew. He would always tell me that if you stand there crying, the problem isn't going to get solved. He would tell me that it is okay to be upset, but you have stop, think, and take the steps to solve the problem.

I miss my dad so much. I don't know what to work on in therapy anymore. My grief is inconsolable. I hate going before school. I feel like I have to censor myself so that I won't start the day off feeling like ****.

I used to want so much from T. At this time, I don't even feel a transference for him, of any kind. I just want to tell him, "You are not my dad, so I don't want anything from you."

[winterbaby]

Yeah, that's grief for you, changes your world, your feelings, what was previously normal vs. what is now the new normal. Just go with your feelings, they will guide you; I'm sure your T will be able to help you process them. As for transference, yeah your feelings about that might change for awhile as your body and mind process the passing of your dad and your client. Sometimes I think our systems can only take so much and parts of them shut down. Just let yourself go with how you're feeling at the moment, grief is not something we get over, it's something we get through each in our own way.

[chaotic13]

(((Pink)))

[gimmeice]

(((((((((( pinksoil ))))))))))) I am sorry that you are having a hard time sometimes grief just takes over for a while and that is all we can feel.

((((((((((((((((((((( pink )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

When my dad died, the world took on an "unreal" quality. I totally get what you mean about life being divided into Part 1 and Part 2. I remember doing things like going to the grocery store and feeling like it couldn't be POSSIBLE that that was the very same store I used to go to before he died. How could the same store exist in both worlds?? It felt surreal and disorienting and sad.

I know the new schedule with T sucks. Can you just go, be there, let whatever happens happen, and have faith that it will sort itself out? Even though it doesn't feel like it, he is the same T that was there in Part 1, and he'll help you navigate Part 2. It's just going to take time.

I'm really sorry to hear about your client...

(((((((((((((((( Pink ))))))))))))))))) Hang in there. PM whenever, okay??

[tulips30]

Oh Pink......everything you say rings so true. It's amazing (in a very sad way) how almost predictable grief is. Everything you mentioned could have been me when I lost a parent. I don't need to tell you that grief comes in stages. Right now it is impossible to believe that you will move on, things will become more normal and you will surivie. BUT......life will never be the same. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could say something to ease your pain. But, I know from experience that it is a lonely, long road.

tulips

[pachyderm]

Pink, your dad is still with you.

Originally Posted by earthmama

( remember doing things like going to the grocery store and feeling like it couldn't be POSSIBLE that that was the very same store I used to go to before he died. How could the same store exist in both worlds??

Wow, I was just talking about this the other day. I will focus on things that weren't even connected to my dad-- for example, a necklace-- not a necklace he bought me, or anything like that-- just a random necklace... and I will put it on and think to myself, "Oh, the last time I wore this one he was alive."

My sister said to me that she actually went to a restaurant and thought to herself, "The last time I opened a menu, he was alive."

It is true, we separate everything into these two worlds.

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Pink, your dad is still with you.

Oh, I know he is... but if I call him, he will not answer.

Originally Posted by winterbaby

grief is not something we get over, it's something we get through each in our own way.

This is such a perfect statement; thank you so much for thinking of it. I actually just shared this with my mom, as we were talking on the phone. Thank you.

Originally Posted by tulips30

Oh Pink......everything you say rings so true. It's amazing (in a very sad way) how almost predictable grief is. Everything you mentioned could have been me when I lost a parent.

tulips

I think it is so amazing how we do all grieve in different ways, but the similarities are also striking. I have found the most comfort in talking with people who also (unfortunately) lost their fathers. I know quite a few girls around my age who lost their fathers-- and talking to them has been the most helpful of any experience.

[Kiya]

(((Pink)))
Not that anything I can say can help grief, but reading your post made me think of something I am studying in grad school...
You wrote "I did all of this because when I was standing in the street after my car was taken away, I thought of my dad. He was the most practical and logical person that I ever knew. He would always tell me that if you stand there crying, the problem isn't going to get solved. He would tell me that it is okay to be upset, but you have stop, think, and take the steps to solve the problem. "

So I am studying Servant Leadership and this is basically what happens in that; there is a leader that isn't really known specifically as The Leader, but when they are gone (and they always go - that is the nature of it) they leave a HUGE unfillable hole -- that is, until we fill that hole ourselves by drawing on the resources they taught us. in that way, we then find them again. We find that they are within us.

Thinking of you, Pink.
Kiya

[Perna]

"Growing up" is so hard and when it comes time to do it alone, out of context with our parents, it's harder still. I'm glad you were able to use your Dad's wisdom and stuff you'd stored in your heart about him to get through your own day. I imagine eventually you'll forge a new relationship with your T, just like you are with the rest of your life in this "new" world without your Dad.

[chaotic13]

This thread has made me reflect a bit. Both of my parents are gone. I remember being upset at the time, but I don't really remember feeling losted or an empty whole.I think I have thought more about them, and feel more of a sense of loss this past year, than I did back then.Weird! They have been gone for over 13 and 15 years! At the time they died, I dealt with it without missing a step.Guess I've always been a bit slow.

Thanks guys. Kiya, I loved hearing about servant leadership. It sounds exactly like what is going on for me.

I have T tomorrow morning. Tomorrow will be exactly one month since I lost my dad. It feels like it happened four seconds ago. Still in that shock phase, I think. I don't really feel like going tomorrow. I am exhausted-- exhausted from driving all over the place every day, from work, from school, from life-- I just don't feel like waking up early, sitting in traffic, driving an hour, and then having to drive 45 minutes from there to go to school. Just so tired...

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

Thanks guys. Kiya, I loved hearing about servant leadership. It sounds exactly like what is going on for me.

I have T tomorrow morning. Tomorrow will be exactly one month since I lost my dad. It feels like it happened four seconds ago. Still in that shock phase, I think. I don't really feel like going tomorrow. I am exhausted-- exhausted from driving all over the place every day, from work, from school, from life-- I just don't feel like waking up early, sitting in traffic, driving an hour, and then having to drive 45 minutes from there to go to school. Just so tired...

(((((((((((((((pinksoil)))))))))))))))))
It would be very difficult for me to lose my father or mother. Even though I am not close with my parents, I love them anyway. A lot of the feelings you describe as experiencing seem like the same surrealistic mechanical motions that I went through when I've lost people I loved. You have a LOT going on in your life outside of dealing with losing your father, and losing the patient to suicide would be really just icing on the cake.

At least grief is predictable and therefore, we know it will end (thankfully). I've been so grief-stricken before that I didn't give a damn about anything or anyone else, because nothing could bring them back or reverse time. It all felt futile... but eventually, and I don't know when or how long--I was able to laugh again and enjoy things again. Nothing ever really fills the void that is left--but I am thankful for that. I like the feeling I get when I think about my loved one, and that they can't be replaced just like that. I feel special for being allowed to know them and be their friend. Your T cannot take away the pain of losing your father. The disconnectedness is normal when you are experiencing a period of grief, and there isn't anything that you or your T is doing wrong, even though it might feel like it.

The gift they gave me, and that your father gave you, was to leave a piece of themselves, like an imprint of who they were--etched into our very being. I know part of what they knew, and I am a part of them as much as they are still a part of me. I pass that onto the world wherever I go. If I had to choose between the grief that I felt because I lost a loved one and all that it entails, or going about my existence without ever having met them, then I would choose the grief over not knowing them. I miss their physical presence, their laugh, their voice, their smell--and it makes me have a twinge of sadness every now and then. However, the sadness doesn't stay with me anymore. All I remember is how great they were as a person, and I do what they want me to do---laugh, be kind to others, and enjoy life as best as I can. All the petty things they did that annoyed me doesn't matter anymore and it's not what I remember.

I would tell your T what you said here about not feeling connected and explore those feelings and see where it leads. Talking with your mother is probably helpful, and I'm sure it is probably that way with your sister too. It helped me to talk to friends who also knew my loved one because I didn't have to explain what I missed about him and we all had an instant understanding with each other. You will probably find this hard to believe, but the sadness will not overtake you. Be good to yourself.