[Mouse_]

IN session on monday, I got talking about how I didn't want to talk about anger with T..... and what happens? I get talking about anger.... I told her that she is putting the anger into me...of course I know that isn't true, but perhaps at times like that when I am so near to touching something inside of me that is scary, the final thing to cling to is denial of ownership .... then as I talked and I felt that horrible feeling rise up inside of me...suddenly words I hadn't planned to speak started to come out...I said I dont want to talk about anger becuase its like a magican pulling a hankiechief out of a hat and it goes on and on and never ends...and then I said how I am not going to reconnect with T fully again because I am not going to be left empty like during the breaks...and then suddenly a visual of the only photo I have off my birth mother popped up into my mind and I knew that I have to keep talking...I can't sit with the secrets...I am far enought along in therapy now to know what has to be done...and I carried on talking and said as a child how I was always looking for clues....always searching and even now I search the internet for clues but not sure what Im searching for, just always looking, looking and then the tears and then I said, I can't believe I will never, ever, ever see her.... and ever, ever is a long time...just like that hankiechief a magicial pulls out...I guesss as small child thinking and feeeling kidnaps things from what goes on in a small childs live...a long time was equivlant to that one magican trick...and its been repeating itself within me all these yrs...adn I cried and I realised this is what someone would be saying if they had just lost someone close, that they will never, ever see them again, and that ever, ever goes on for..well...for ever...but I didnt have words as a child and I'd never seen the person I'd never see again and no one asked me how it felt for me and I'd had to hide this grief from my adoptive mother and then suddenly I saw the photo of my birth mother and T and they seperated...I said this to T, I said oh ****, its like I just exorcised you from my birht mother...and I knew then why the breaks trigger me so...in my psyche...in my unresolved grief I was seeing T wtih my eyes, but my birth mother with my unconsious...we sat quite for a while after this....and I think thsi was the most clearest example for me of how in therapy we make our T's into the people in our past that we hold unresolved stuff with...I said to T I use to have to hide my feelings from my adoptive mother...I use to have to pretend i didn't ever want my birth mother and I would shut the door on her if she ever come looking for me...aged 5 your survival depends on this...and I hid the giref and pain from her and from myself and its been sitting like a ghost on my shoulder ever since...the relief I felt finally being able t speak the words I felt all these yrs...that YES I WOULD LOVE SO BADLY TO SEE MY MUM, T said would it have helped you if you had been able to see her? I said. we're never know now...and saying that was to me the first step of my own acceptence...I've been stuck in the denial stage of grief for so many yrs.....I think life maybe just that little bit more eaisier now....

[pachyderm]

((((Mouse))))

[darkrunner]

Mouse,
I just wanted to let you know I read your post. It sounds like you are doing really significant work with your T, and accomplishing a lot. I hope it is bringing you some comfort and healing.

ktgirl

((((((((((((((((((((( Mouse )))))))))))))))))))))))

Your post made me feel so sad. To have that longing that can never be fulfilled. I guess that is something a lot of us can relate to, but you expressed it so well.

I know that for me, acceptance is usually the first step towards moving forward...so good for you.

Sending lots of

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by earthmama

To have that longing that can never be fulfilled.

EM, it can be filled, by ourselves and others that we finally allow to get close to us. I still am not close to my mother but I have filled that up with love from myself, my husband, my children and others........

[Simcha]

((((((((Mouse)))))))))

Wow, this was a really good post. It sounds like you've began to break through a wall that's held you back for most of your life. It's really difficult to talk about things like this with anyone I would think, because the pain is very difficult to control once it is let out. However, now that you are with a good T that can go with you through this mess, you don't have to worry about it becoming overwhelming and being left alone to deal with it this time.

Out of curiosity, and please forgive my ignorance if you have addressed this before--but is your birth mother still living, and if so, would you ever want to meet with her? I only ask because my nephew is adopted, (now age 16), but his mother passed on so he doesn't have the option. I'm happy to report that he is really well adjusted, but then he never had to hide his feelings from his adoptive mother like you did. He has also known since the beginning that he was adopted.

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by Simcha

((((((((Mouse)))))))))

Wow, this was a really good post. It sounds like you've began to break through a wall that's held you back for most of your life. It's really difficult to talk about things like this with anyone I would think, because the pain is very difficult to control once it is let out. However, now that you are with a good T that can go with you through this mess, you don't have to worry about it becoming overwhelming and being left alone to deal with it this time.

Out of curiosity, and please forgive my ignorance if you have addressed this before--but is your birth mother still living, and if so, would you ever want to meet with her? I only ask because my nephew is adopted, (now age 16), but his mother passed on so he doesn't have the option. I'm happy to report that he is really well adjusted, but then he never had to hide his feelings from his adoptive mother like you did. He has also known since the beginning that he was adopted.

I had searched for my bmother, but she came from Ireland and the adopted chld has no rights to search in Ireland..the adoption was a very dodgy arranagment so there was little paperworks even thought I had found my original birth cert I still can find no trace of her...found a half brother who gave me the photo of her but she had left him also and he had no clues nor wished to know...I guess if she was still alive she'd be 75 now...if I Had the money I would have hired a someone professional to find her...but alas it seems this is the way it is to be...I do now consider myeslf lucky to have least got a photo and to at least met another sibling...and know I wasn't told from the beginning I was adopted so the yrs before I was told would have been emotionally confusing for me without having a nutcase for an adoptive mother to add to the confusion...I know most adoptions are fine...those that aren't end up posting on message boards LOL! sorry my humour.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

I had searched for my bmother, but she came from Ireland and the adopted chld has no rights to search in Ireland..the adoption was a very dodgy arranagment so there was little paperworks even thought I had found my original birth cert I still can find no trace of her...found a half brother who gave me the photo of her but she had left him also and he had no clues nor wished to know...I guess if she was still alive she'd be 75 now...if I Had the money I would have hired a someone professional to find her...but alas it seems this is the way it is to be...I do now consider myeslf lucky to have least got a photo and to at least met another sibling...and know I wasn't told from the beginning I was adopted so the yrs before I was told would have been emotionally confusing for me without having a nutcase for an adoptive mother to add to the confusion...I know most adoptions are fine...those that aren't end up posting on message boards LOL! sorry my humour.

(((mouse)))
It's quite possible she is still alive, and if I had the same situation you did, my curiosity would kill me if I didn't search. I can't imagine the psychic pain you are feeling, as I think it would overwhelm me.

Have you ever done any genealogy research? Save your money and do it yourself; it's easy once you get the hang of it. Genealogy research is an EXCELLENT way to find living relatives. The first place I would start again is the half-brother. He had her picture... did he get it from her, and if not, who? Secondly, there might be writing on the back. Ireland is not as difficult as you think to research--- you don't need to search adoption records to do so. Everyone born in Ireland is registered with a church, whether they are religious or not. The church registers are public record, and generally speaking it would be one of the churches in the area of residence that you would be registered at.

I would be VERY happy to help you in any way I can, be it by searching myself, or giving you the resources so that you can do it. Email or message me any time--genealogy research happens to be what I am very good at, and believe me, if you think hunting down the living is difficult, think about how it is to hunt down the dead!@!

And btw... I have a nutcase BIOLOGICAL mother. Maybe you are actually more fortunate than you think; at least you don't have the genetic code of your adoptive mother to contribute to your quandry!!!

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by Simcha

(((mouse)))
It's quite possible she is still alive, and if I had the same situation you did, my curiosity would kill me if I didn't search. I can't imagine the psychic pain you are feeling, as I think it would overwhelm me.

Have you ever done any genealogy research? yes have tried that.. Save your money and do it yourself; it's easy once you get the hang of it. Genealogy research is an EXCELLENT way to find living relatives. The first place I would start again is the half-brother. His dead.. He had her picture... did he get it from her, his paternal aunt gave to me and had no more idea what happened to my birth mother than I.. and if not, who? Secondly, there might be writing on the back. Ireland is not as difficult as you think to research--- you don't need to search adoption records to do so. Everyone born in Ireland is registered with a church, whether they are religious or not. The church registers are public record, and generally speaking it would be one of the churches in the area of residence that you would be registered at.

I would be VERY happy to help you in any way I can, be it by searching myself, geez thats really kind of you, I want to say yes please but feel to shy too, but hey, yeah please..or giving you the resources so that you can do it. Email or message me any time--genealogy research happens to be what I am very good at, and believe me, if you think hunting down the living is difficult, think about how it is to hunt down the dead!@!

And btw... I have a nutcase BIOLOGICAL mother. Maybe you are actually more fortunate than you think; at least you don't have the genetic code of your adoptive mother to contribute to your quandry!!! Yeah but my birth mother was a nut also LOL!!!!!! I mean a nut with a captial N U T I will PM you

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