[Christine1123]

As ashamed as I feel to admit it, I have PTSD, and really want help and to get better. I tried talking to a therapist about it, but my throat kept stopping up and I couldn't get words out. Just her asking me a question made me start crying. I want to get better, move on, and feel happy again, but I don't know where to start. I know I need to talk about it, but what do I do if I can't?

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((Christine1123)))))))))))) I'm sorry you're struggling with it. Can you write to T? A lot of times words won't come out here, but if I write it out, T reads it and it is very helpful here.

Let us know how it goes.

((((((((((((((((((((((((Christine))))))))))))))))))))))))) PTSD is not something to be ashamed of....although it took me a long time to accept that, and to admit that I had it, so I think understand how you feel.

For me, going REALLY SLOWLY in therapy has helped. That's the only way I can get through it. If your T asks you a question, and you start to cry, the T can handle that. I really am positive that crying in therapy is perfectly normal, acceptable, and okay, and that your T sees it literally every day. It doesn't make it FEEL any better for you, but it's part of the healing, and not something to feel shame about.

One of my T's send me an e-mail last night that said "tears are part of a stream that lead to an ocean of peace".

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( Christine )))))))))))))))))

I also have ptsd and going very slow has helped me too. When I first started therapy I expected myself to go into Ts office and just spill my guts and tell her everything. I was getting so mad at myself for my inability to do so, when T found out how much pressure I was putting on myself she reassured me that these kind of things have to move at there own pace. My trauma weaves in and out of my weekly therapy, my T says that's how its supposed to work. Be easy on yourself, you can talk about things when you are ready to not before.

[(JD)]

(((hug))) You've already begun! Keep seeing T. Keep trying. It will become easier to talk, and work through it.

[Wynne]

I've spent about 5 weeks not being able to talk in group therapy, and finally started talking about what it was like at home this past week. It felt really good to finally talk, even to just say a little something!

When folks pointed out how long it'd been, I decided I'd try to talk online and see if that helped me be more ready to talk when I was in group.

I know it's hard, but it really helped me to not be so hard on myself and just wait until I felt like I could do it. They were all really supportive, and they're not even all Ts! (of course.) Maybe some of this would help for you?

[sunrise]

Christine, if your throat is closing up, then you are not ready to talk. How well do you know your T? It may take a while to build up a trusting enough relationship to be able to share your memories of trauma. It's OK to go slow. I do remember one session I had when I was trying to share some traumatic events and I just couldn't. I think we sat there for almost the whole hour, with me trying to talk and not being able to, starting and stopping, opening my mouth and nothing coming out. My T said at the end, "I respect your ambivalence," and that's exactly what it was. I did want to share with him and tell him, but I wasn't ready and something held me back. We had to take some sessions off from the trauma efforts and just work on building the relationship, increasing trust, developing safety, etc.

Originally Posted by gimmeice

My trauma weaves in and out of my weekly therapy

That's how mine is too. It comes and goes and we will work on other things for weeks and then here comes a piece of trauma again, and we work on it when it comes up. It's hard work when it happens and then we buckle down for a few weeks and let all this stuff come up and process it. Then we back off and work on other things. Even though PTSD is my primary diagnosis, resolving trauma is not my sole reason for going to therapy. Christine, I can see it would be hard if you went session after session really focused on the trauma but weren't ready to work on it. Maybe just look off to the side.

Can you ask your T for ideas on how to work towards being able to talk about the trauma?

[skeksi]

You're definitely not alone with this. I have a PTSD diagnosis, too, and it has taken me a loooooooong time to be able to talk about it in depth with my counselor.

As everyone else has said, you move at the pace that you have to. When you're ready to talk, you'll be able to. Maybe you and your therapist can set a different short term goal to take some of the pressure off you. For example, early in my therapy, I focused on developing friendships and support, and I also talked a lot about my self-critical 'voice.' Talking about how I criticized myself is one of the things that helped me feel safe enough to broach the subject of the trauma.

You're brave to be going to therapy and even more so to be willing to face your PTSD. It will happen when you're ready for it to happen.

Are you on any medication? Meds can kind of dull that pain and help you talk better.

Hope you feel better soon.