Went to class tonight with teacher T. Did a lot of sitting meditation. There are a lot of feelings that want to come up. Help

She sat and talked with me after class. I was trying to be honest with her, but at the same time, I was like "I'm fine!!", because THAT IS HOW I AM. I just can't let someone know (in real life) that I am vulnerable.

I told her a little snippet from my past - I mean, literally, almost nothing - and I just want to get it back.

She is so caring and compassionate. When caring and compassion come my way, I want to - maybe NEED to - put up all of my big walls, and just start running.

I called T on the way home from class because he is safe and part of me - the little part - needed to talk to him. But it was just his voice mail, so I was just talking into this emptiness. No one there to hear me. And that made it worse.

And then I cried all the way home.

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by earthmama

Went to class tonight with teacher T. Did a lot of sitting meditation. There are a lot of feelings that want to come up. Help

She sat and talked with me after class. I was trying to be honest with her, but at the same time, I was like "I'm fine!!", because THAT IS HOW I AM. I just can't let someone know (in real life) that I am vulnerable.

I told her a little snippet from my past - I mean, literally, almost nothing - and I just want to get it back.

She is so caring and compassionate. When caring and compassion come my way, I want to - maybe NEED to - put up all of my big walls, and just start running.

I called T on the way home from class because he is safe and part of me - the little part - needed to talk to him. But it was just his voice mail, so I was just talking into this emptiness. No one there to hear me. And that made it worse.

And then I cried all the way home.

(((em))) Maybe the way you are with T you can be with teacher T. It will probably take some time

And what you wrote about when caring and compassion come your way you want to start running and when people want to know how you are doing you say fine(eventhough) you probably arent. You sound completely like me. I don't know how to accept caring and compassion when it's directed at me and I just wanna run and hide and push it all away. I have never had or at least felt that from anyone aka my parents or any adult while i was growing up, which is probably why it's hard for me to accept it from anyone now. I am learning to accept it for the first time at 25 years of age and it's soooo hard and scarey. And you will be able to accept it from teacher T the way you do from T. Didn't you just start seeing teacher T? Maybe once you grow more comfy with her you will be able to open up?

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

agreed. (((((((((((em)))))))))))) i too had the same reaction with group t "I'm fine!" she said, "i know you're "fine" but are you safe? are you ok to drive? can i call someone for you?"
It is hard to not put those walls up... to not be "fine" when we are so used to doing it. I'm here too if you need someone to sit with.... little one is safe, even tho it feels so scary.
kiya

Thanks ((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))))

Somehow I am afraid I am going to blow this. Like I have this chance to heal more, move forward, and I'm not going to be able to do it.

Last night Teacher T said "I'm not ready" to work with her privately on the meditation stuff, which stung. But she said, that is what she heard coming from ME, that my fear is too great, and that she is deferring to my "wisdom".

I feel like I WANT to be ready, but I'll NEVER be ready, and it's just discouraging. I definitely, definitely feel like I'm doing something wrong. I am trying SO hard, and I don't know if it's getting me anywhere.

I am so angry at the parts of me that are so filled with fear. Teacher T said to listen to those parts, and honor them, but to realize that there are other parts at the table who have hope, and who desire peace and healing, and to let them have their say too. I am trying!

It's so frustrating.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((Earthmama))))))))))))

I hear your frustration in your post. It sounds like you're trying TOO hard.

And that is so understandable. You want to be healed, you want to have peace and happiness. Maybe you want to be able to get the most out of the wonderful resource you have in T and Teacher T before they leave you?

But they are not going anywhere. Teacher T WANTS to work with you. She will be there, patiently waiting, until you are ready. You don't have to push yourself to places you are not ready to go.

It is hard, but try to patient.

As someone told me recently, "You can't rush the pace of grace."

Try to be patient, try not to be discouraged. Everything will come in time, in the right time, when it's the BEST time.

Breath, earthmama..... breath, and give yourself grace, patience and gentleness. You are on a journey, and you have Teacher T and T on the road with you for as long as it takes.

ktgirl

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( Earthmama )))))))))))))))
I am sorry that you are feeling frustrated, when I feel this way to me it seems like I am walking through a pool of maple syrup, I want to go faster but I just cant. Please be patient with yourself, walls of defense are put up as a coping skill and it takes a long time to tear them down.

[MINIME]

when I have strong feelings ike that I call up my T's and say hey your fired. Its their fault i have a these feelings now so I call and fire them. But they never run out to the unemployment offiice lol they just probably laugh.

[Sannah]

EM, might all this be fear of intimacy?

She is so caring and compassionate. When caring and compassion come my way, I want to - maybe NEED to - put up all of my big walls, and just start running.

That's so interesting to me, EM, because from your posts, you sound like such a caring and compassionate person. You are constantly supporting other people with their struggles. And yet, when someone tries to offer the same to you, you find it really hard and want to avoid it. Hmmm.

It reminds me of a story about my friend at work. She had been working really long hours under a lot of stress for several weeks, and was about at her breaking point. And then, something went wrong, and it was like 8 pm, and it became clear that she was going to have to cancel her plans and stay late again. And just then, our nicest boss walked in to ask her how she was doing. She said if it had been any of our other bosses (i.e. the meaner, less kind ones), she would have been fine. But when he came in and showed her genuine kindness, that was it, she fell apart and started crying. Maybe you're afraid of something similar happening?? I don't know, it just reminded me of that story.

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

I have never had or at least felt that from anyone aka my parents or any adult while i was growing up, which is probably why it's hard for me to accept it from anyone now. I am learning to accept it for the first time at 25 years of age and it's soooo hard and scarey.

I think that's interesting too, lifelesstraveled. The where it all began piece. I think I have similar struggles. The part that I don't fully understand is why it's so hard to accept when you finally get something you've always wanted. Like, why dosen't it just immediately make you feel good and happy and complete, to have what you've always wished for? What exactly makes it so hard? That to survive, you have developed an idea of yourself as not needing any of that, of being so independent, of it being weak to accept that? And then that idea of yourself is challenged when compassion is shown to you and somewhere deep inside you start to feel yourself wanting it? I'm just thinking outloud here...but it's an interesting question.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by notme9

That to survive, you have developed an idea of yourself as not needing any of that, of being so independent, And then that idea of yourself is challenged when compassion is shown to you

Interesting....

Everyone's thoughts gave me a lot to think about.

I do think part of it might be that if I accept the love and compassion, the scared, fearful, hurt parts of me will show themselves and there I'll be, stuck with all that pain. It's so scary.

And I think it's finding out....I NEED and WANT love.... I didn't think that I did. I married someone very distant and unaffectionate, more interested in himself than in me, and I know I did it because that's what felt "right" to me. Discovering that there is this deep longing for love and acceptance inside of me is painful and scary.

I had T today. I tried to talk about some of this stuff with him, but I felt really anxious and scattered and panicky, and I don't think he understood where I was coming from or what I was saying. Then he asked me a really specific question about a trauma (why?? he's never done that before, he usually lets me take the lead), and it was such a specific question that I had to really stop and picture myself back in the situation and I ended up all flashbacky and dissociated and just totally screwed up. I wish he hadn't done that. Maybe he is trying to "push" me a little, but I really feel like I have enough going on right now trying to manage all of this other stuff.

Blah!

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by earthmama

Somehow I am afraid I am going to blow this. Like I have this chance to heal more, move forward, and I'm not going to be able to do it.

I feel like I WANT to be ready, but I'll NEVER be ready, and it's just discouraging. I definitely, definitely feel like I'm doing something wrong. I am trying SO hard, and I don't know if it's getting me anywhere.

I kind of experienced this last week with my drawing exercise. When we discuss some of the figures, my T asked me, "This figure looks really scared, are you still really feeling like that in here?" I said, "Well,... yes, last session for whatever reason, the person sitting in that corner of the couch was feeling very anxious and frighten." I felt really bad about showing that fear in the picture because i know my T has worked very hard to make me feel safe. I really want to feel relaxed and comfortable in that seat, but sometimes I just don't.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by earthmama

I do think part of it might be that if I accept the love and compassion, the scared, fearful, hurt parts of me will show themselves and there I'll be, stuck with all that pain. It's so scary.

And I think it's finding out....I NEED and WANT love.... I didn't think that I did.

I married someone very distant and unaffectionate, more interested in himself than in me, and I know I did it because that's what felt "right" to me. Discovering that there is this deep longing for love and acceptance inside of me is painful and scary.

Good stuff EM, keep going.........