Reading something to T

My T knows I write a journal (writing is one of the very few techniques that help me when I’m a mess and it is also the way I think, I can’t think only in my head, I need to write things down) and she told me several times that I can bring stuff to read anytime I want, but I never did that before, because she meant I bring along something and I read it aloud. I’m too scared to do that, stuff I write is not meant to be said out loud, it’s for silent reading only. It’s hard to explain, but I can’t and I won’t read it aloud, and I don’t want her to do that either. The thing is, I would like to bring a short excerpt from my journal to the next appt, but I’m scared, because I’m 100% sure T will push me to read it. I just want to give her the sheet of paper and we can talk about it later. I’m ready to talk about it; I’m just not ready to read it/hear it.

Have you ever been in a situation when you give something for T to read and he/she pushes you to read it aloud? What did u do?

I'm so nervous about this...

I have brought things for T to read, and have specifically asked him not to read them out loud. He has respected my wishes.

You are in control of your therapy....could you bring it, and tell her that you want to share it with her, but you are not ready to hear the words out loud yet? And then see where it goes from there??

I have also brought things I have written to therapy and told my T that I did not want to read it out loud. She asked if she could read it out loud and I had said yes and she did then we talked about after.

Then I have also brought writings that I didn't want her or I to read out loud, ones that I only wanted her to read when I was not there, so she would know how I felt about something.

Therapists are pretty good at allowing you to control what you want, that doesn't mean they won't ask you to read it, mine did once and I said fine but I am just going to read like a story lol, yes, I had a little attitude then because the reality was at that point I didn't want to read it but didn't want to dissapoint her either. Since then I have made it known how I want certain writings to be taken care of and she is good at honoring that.

hangingon

Hmmmm, HATE IT! What is it about hearing yourself say what you wrote that makes it SO difficult. It is one thing to write it, this seems to be getting much easier for me at this point. Next is hearing my T read aloud what I wrote, more difficult...especially when you hear certain words that seem to echo in your ears when spoken. But the WORST... for me at this point is when I'm asked to read aloud something I've written... brutal! Psych professionals (pre-professionals) please explain the reason for this!!!!

My T encourages me to do this from from time to time. Not sure exactly if I would call it pushing me. Although... if you asked this question last week I would have probably described it as a push. My T will used the .... "I didn't get a chance to re-read the email you sent me today... can you refresh my memory on what it was about?"

Last session I think was the first time she was successful in getting me to actually do it. She started with..."I didn't get a chance to print out the email you wrote. Can you read back to me the part about x to... refresh my memory?" The previous session when she attempted this approach I pulled up the message on my blackberry and HANDED IT to her to review. But of course before she asked me this time she mentioned how she really needed to get reading glasses...Could have countered this with adjusting the font size for her...but you can only take avoidance so far. These tactics... are like the teacher asking the student for help solving 1+1 problems... What I love best about this game is that when we start talking about the email... she is like quoting it off the top of her head...like she really needed her memory refreshed!

Hearing yourself read aloud thoughts you had...if very difficult! Not sure why we need to enduring at some point but.....seems like it is part of some process. I'm hoping that it will get easier like writing did. Maybe someone else farther along can explain what we are doing.

I have shared many of my poems with my T, I think that she succeeded in having me read one once the other times I just said I wasn't ready to read those words out loud and she accepted that. If she would have pushed I would have quit sharing and she knew it.

If T pushes me, I have to just say, no, I am not ready to do this. So far she has been very understanding of that (well what could she say, lol).

But maybe if you hand over something for T to read, you could both talk about it. I've done this & it's not so bad.

I think I would have to decline also; Ts set boundaries with us & sometimes we also need to set boundaries!

Hope this helps!

Hugs from an Angel!

this is funny. If T asks me to read the stuff, I will say i forgot my reading glasses at home

Thanks for the replays everyone. Now I know that the option "T reads it and then we talk about it" is possible, I just have to ask, which is a problem too. I still have 2 days to gather up my courage to ask for this Sometimes I wish my T would agree to have a sesison or two online (on Skype or in a chat room), I could tell her almost anything this way, because it would be in writing.

I would mention that to her. Not because she is likely to say..."hey OK lets set up an IM connection for next week." Of course, she might... but probably not. She might be able to use this information in some way to facilitate your verbal communication or at the very least explain to you why she believes it is import to get stuff out verbally.

For me... the fact that I can now write certain things, draw certain things, but still get REALLY triggered when I have to listen to them read aloud or even worse SAY THEM MYSELF out loud.... tells me...something. At the very least it suggests that telling and listening are different in some way (at least in my head). I still have a few wires crossed or something. Since most interpersonal communication occurs via face-to-face oral exchanges... my hypersensitivity is likely still inhibiting me.

I asked my T today if it was ok if i bring something and give it to her instead of reading it. She said she wants me to read it aloud. Well, that's it. No journal excerpts in therapy. She also asked why i don't want to read what i bring and I said that reading equals speaking. She said it does not. I said for me it does. We excahnged a few more questions and answers on why reading equals speaking for me and what would be different if she read it, and then i moved to some distant foggy place and didn't come back.

I took my cell and looked through sent text messages, it looks that i have sent her a message "i want next appt to be the last". And I found another message in drafts folder, that says "please cancel my next appt". Yeah... nice... what do i do next?..

. I dont think it's fair that T is taking this outlet from you (indirectly) by making you read out loud what you wrote. I get that probably wants you to say it out loud (only speculating), but clearly you wrote all this down for a reason...b/c you can't say it out loud, right? Thats how I am. I handed something to T at yesterday's session. She asked me to describe something to her later in the session and I told her it was in the paper I handed her and she said okay and left it alone...she's great And I completely overstand you when you said that reading out loud what you wrote is the same as speaking it because they are your true thoughts only written on paper and having to read say those thoughts out loud (even reading it from something you wrote) can be excruciating (at least to me) and I think your T should understand where you are coming from (i am upset for you right now--i dont think that's fair..hmph). To me I feel like it's safer to write it than to say it as weird as that sounds.

If you stop bring journal excerpts, do you think that will be less inclined to share things with your T? If so, can you tell her this? Maybe she will be more willing to see where you are coming from???

from what I've read, having someone write out and then read aloud is a technique for PTSD - and it doesn't work all that well - maybe if that's what yr T is driving at, you could ask her to slow down. Criminently!! as me old Mother used to say. she should know when she's pushing too hard, IMO...

I have never showed T my journal. Today I wanted to do it for the first time, but after her response I changed my mind.

I didn't know that. Anyway, IMO I don't suffer from PTSD.
I know i'm like a brick in therapy, if T doesn't push me, I go nowhere. But sometimes it's too much. I still have to decide what do I do about the "i quit" thing that happened. *sigh*

My T said that she wanted me to read to her so that she could hear my feelings about what I had written. That hesitation and so on could tell her more than the words could. However she never pushed it, so sometimes I am able to read to her what I have written.

I found it a lot harder to talk about some artwork I had brought in than reading was. The drawings reaches deeper for me.

This is an interesting comment. I think writing allows me to tell my story but remain disconnected to it. Speak the words that describe what happened, connects me to it differently....I cannot separate from it for some reason. The question is... do you have to connect to it in order to eventually heal?
I found it a lot harder to talk about some artwork I had brought in than reading was. The drawings reaches deeper for me.
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I've been exploring my feelings via art. Now that I've tried it, I seem to be drawing more than writing. I like drawing because I seem to be able to transfer the emotions onto the paper, then put it away for a while. In therapy talking about my drawings, is just as difficult...maybe more difficult because I cannot deny or gloss over things because it is right there in the picture.

I taken writing to my T and he asked me to read it I tried and then lost words - he siad he didnt hear me and I said I couldnt read it so he read it - that was confronting - other times i have asked him to read it to himself while he has me reading somthing - i think you should go as far as you feel comfortable with and your T will respect that.