*slaps forehead,,shakes head *

WMD, i dont know exactly what your purpose was in posting something that can very nearly undermine a delicate balance between the wounded and the healers... for some, they have had absolutely no direction and to seek same is a good condition for society.. the spirit of independent thinking will hopefully never go out of style... for example, if you knew of a village where members were unable to feed themselves, would you criticize its intent to learn? i think you need some more thinking time before you attempt to discredit and disrupt (just imo)

Great that Hubby and You have found a good place ...

I personally prescribe to the thinking that >> I better trust my significant other and they me .... If not ,,,What's the point .

hehe. eerrrmmm ......LOL.

WMD, come here and let me slap you upside the head.

Of course you may Miss Charlotte .... Many of times I have felt ,, that just may work ...LOL.

(((((((((((( WMD )))))))))))))))) You know I love you

My opinion is that therapy is a very personal thing, the relationship that is needed is different for each patient. For me it has been helpful to form an attachment to my T but I don't know if that is helpful for everyone, everybody has their own needs. Before I met my T some of the things written here would have probably seemed odd to me but now that I have had that sort of relationship I can understand the emotions that go along with that.
For me it seems like a trained T would be able to spot unhealthy attachment, my overall view on life is that to each his own, different people will need different things out therapy. Right now I am at a difficult place in therapy but I still have confidence that I can make it through this, my T has given me that confidence, it's hard to explain how much this type of relationship has helped me.

I must say, I have often thought of the therapy attachment myself. I for one have never really had a healthy attachment with anyone. I have a few friendships that I have had for over 20 years, I know alot about them, but they don't know the side of me that hurts. They only see the strong me....I have never cried in front of them and am not sure I ever will.

As far as attachment to T. This has been in the back of my mind. One....if I do end up attaching, since I have never had a heatlhy attachment, I feel it would be extremely difficult to end therapy, hence, years and years of it.

I have been told that therapy for long term childhood SA can take a long time to accomplish. Since this is all new to me, I have no idea. I went with the intention of not wanting an attachement to T because I knew that relationship would have to end one day. Yet, I have noticed that it also hinders the healing because in the back of my mind I tell myself, well, why go through telling this person everything if I'm only going to be dumped by them in the future anyways.

On the other hand I think, I have never had a healthy attachment so maybe experiencing a safe heatlhy attachment with T will allow me to see that there are safe people out there, that I can really learn to trust. Hence, helping me to rid my black and white, all or nothing thinking.

This is a touchy subject. I am not a pro, so I can't give the best advice. But I can see how therapy can take a whole lot longer if an attachement is made with therapist. Who wouldn't want someone to listen to everything they have to say without judging them. Will we ever find that anywhere else?..... doubt it.
Man this is tricky

Hangingon

Interesting thread

What does WMD stand for?

Re Ms Charlotte reply,
Excellent bit of peacemaking earlier here Ms C.

river.

I guess being the middle child has its advantages too.

(((I_WMD)))

You do bring up an interesting point. I can only speak for myself and my own experiences...

When I find myself worrying about what T thinks of me, I can almost always trace that feeling back to a worry I have about myself. I was putting that worry onto T, because of my own fear. Once I had that insight, it became much easier to process those feelings, and give myself the care I need.

So, if I'm feeling the desire to bake cookies for T, I will ask myself 'Do I feel like I need to give something more to T(myself)?' or 'Do I want to show T another side of myself?

I might uncover the realization that I try to 'buy' people's acceptance by doing favors such as baking cookies. Or, I might realize that my creative side is wanting to express itself, and it is coming out in a desire to bake.

I hesitate to use the word transference, because it seems rather unaccessible to me. I prefer to think of my relationship with T as a tool to gain further insight into myself.

I disagree with the original poster's implication that having a "fixation" or such with your therapist (T) is an inherently bad thing, since that's what transference is all about (and transference can be a powerful and helpful component in some people's psychotherapy).

I love reading all of the responses to this thread, because although I don't think it started with the best of intentions, it really is eye opening to me (and I hope, to others)...

DocJohn

Yea owl ,, I understand that appeasement of others for exceptance ..... in my experiences it was sometimes taken as * kindness for weakness * .

The * T * I have now [ I have to battle billing department to keep seeing regularly ] I have been seeing for over a year off and on ,, He still says >> as I do ,, " I would make a scrambled egg jealous ".

I dont know hangingon, i think there are good and bad attachments (geez I sound like a hardware salesman! LOL) and i think that if being attached means that you have learned to trust someone and that may help you learn how to make safe ?(does that exist) or better choices of attachments to others (now I sound like an octupus! ) then it could work - I think if you are "healed" you wont be looking for the support from a T but hopefully from the friends you have made because you can now be more open to friendship - hmm i've waffled on - hope im not too confusing! P7

WMD that's great that you can say that, although you sound as if you have a lot of anger still there, perhaps its just the red ink!

Other people are not as strong and need a T to help them to get to this stage and it may be that they need to feel/know that their T cares about them, that someone cares about them when they think no-one did or could, to get there, to rebuild their inner resources - if so then more power to them - we all make our own journeys - each of us is different in our pain and scars, and each of us needs different things - I hope that each of us finds our own way out of this mess.

That doesnt mean that we dont question, but unless there is trust i have found JMO that nothing improves - this does not mean following blindly - but it does mean taking a hand if offered and you want/need to take it.

Take care P7

ps and the pleasing others thing, for a lot of us it was a way to survive, and a hard habit to break, but we keep trying until we succeed

Phoenix
I believe there are good and bad attachments as well. I would just hope that T's would point those out to us as we go, rather than fearing that they will hurt us in doing so, or even personally feeling gratified in our need of them, perhaps hindering objectivity.

Personally, I don't want to become totally dependent on my T. I think it is healthy to find it elseware from others, to learn to trust others. But there are no guarantees that those people will stick it out till the end with us either. Hence, fear of being hurt and abandoned. There's where risk taking goes into effect.

I guess there is no quick fix for any of this. There is no one size fits all, no simple cookie mold will do. What helps one with an issue may not help another with the same issue, so we can't even go by another person's experience. Unfortunately, we all have to experience it for ourselves and hope that our instincts lead us properly.

Hangingon

Unfortunately, we all have to experience it for ourselves and hope that our instincts lead us properly.

Hangingon

That as in my way of finding " strength " [ instincts ] >>>..... is what some call the * ID * The basic instinct to survive >> and as humans with free will and ability to think things out >> find the needed tools in order to perform in a way that allows us to grow better in our own abilities ...

We all possess them >> it is the tapping into part that becomes a trial and error thingy >> IMO .

Yes WMD, but sometimes it takes someone else leading us to that recognition because our thinking is often distorted from experiences beyond our control at such a young age.

Since beginning T , I have done alot more soul searching and have discovered areas that I lived in total denial of. Had there not been someone to lift the veil so to speak, I may have never noticed.

Hangingon

I been there >> had that done to me also ,,, at the young age we first [ at least this is how I have defined it ] ,,,,, were made to feel a kindness and energy flow when given attention to .
That could maybe cause a distortion in the trust land after the other shoe has fallen ,, and we were only tying the first one at that time .

At the young age I cannot for myself ,, think I would be able to differ more than >> The stove is hot >>> and a slap on the hand meant no .

So the attention thing that was good is remembered >> while the not so good was blocked out by the more >> feel good attention .. IDK . But my opinion ..

WMD

I am not sure what you are trying to say....

I will say that some did not have the good feeling growing up because there was so much bad. Men who abused and mothers who were never there emotionally because they had their own issues ect....

Do we focus on the bad? Do we like focusing on the bad? I highly doubt it, the bad just is.......but its something that needs to be addressed and dealt with or else one will never be able to really enjoy life's experiences because they are constantly shaded by the bad.

You can only live in denial for so long, then it all comes crashing down, old coping mechanisms no longer work.

I wonder what your relationship was with your caretakers. I don't know you but feel there is something underlining your need to discourage connection with T's.

Hangingon

*** This Reply May be Triggering to Some ***

OK ,, since we have somehow come to the meat of the bone so to say ,,

Mother was abusive after she saw through the downstairs bars of the rectory >> a visiting bishop before easter services >> taking an alter boy into the basement >> and then asking me >> " Do you want to kiss jesuses head " ?

It took me a very long time to figure out why foaming toothpaste and opening my mouth was so never to be ...

my place was once IDK >> I had nothing to be in denial for >> just didn't understand why I was being beaten daily by mom >> till I figured it must have been her way of beating the devil out me >> anyway After the Easter service >> I never went back to church . ??

WMD,

First of all you were a kid, She was not beating the devil out of a child but rather inflicting on a child her own agony. Something she was to own, not you. I'm sorry you were at the receiving end of that.

You need to be in control of your life. Something you weren't allowed..... control. As an adult you have that. Yet, there is still the need to protect, build walls, whether that is recognized or not.

And no you didn't deny it as a child. It comes to fruition as an adult, when you are trying to live your own life and reality hits. Wow, my parents were screwed up. I now realize in my relationships how that has affected me. Something I would have never gave thought to as a child.

I can see why the need of connection is rather fearful. Hurt or be hurt. No connection, no hurt. Yet, there is hurt. There is a desire in each of us for that closeness, there is no denying that. Denying it would only be a means to cover up that hurt.

Hangingon

First of all, I think I owe you an apology as I thought you were just coming in this forum to create trouble and try to undo all the good work that therapists do. I can see though from reading further, that actually you are wanting to learn.

It's all about trust, the transference and attachment formed are essential (imo) for true healing. These therapies have been well researched and found to work otherwise it wouldn't be used.

The Father of psychotherapy, Freud, is quoted to have said that all patients need to fall in love with their therapist... What he meant by that is there needs to be a bond of trust where the patient is truly able to discuss anything and everything in safety.

The therapist is trained and able to handle all emotions, without judgement, listen with care and love but also maintaining boundaries so it truly is a safe relationship.

I hope this helps you to understand the therapeutic relationship a little more, and I wish you well on your healing journey.

oh, wmd. that's just absolutely terrible . *safe hugs* to you, if you will.

((((((((((((((((wmd)))))))))))))))))