[sunrise]

In the midst of all the difficulities with therapy and therapists that people are posting about, I feel kind of guilty making a positive post. But here goes... My therapy is going really well and I am getting along great with my therapist. I hope it is OK to post that.

A few days ago I had my first session after two weeks. My session before the break was not good at all, but this latest was very connected. What was sweet was at the beginning, when I first see T, I comment on the beard he is growing. I love beards!!! He tells me he will shave it off when he comes back to work for good next week. No, keep it, I urge. Why? Because I like beards, I say. He says his wife told him it makes him look hawt. LOL. I don’t say “me too,” but this cracked me up. I hope he keeps it.

I do pretty much trust T with anything. At this session, we went very deep, out of nowhere, and I cried a lot and even sobbed. (One of my new things is to let myself sob if I need to sob. It’s still hard to do that with someone else present, but I'm doing better.) T just sits there and takes it. It strikes me now, as it has before, how strange it is to go see someone for an hour and sob and tell the saddest stories from your life, while they just sit there and listen. (Of course, they do so much more.) T says it is good to cry and share these moments, that I am still grieving the marriage, and I am getting that pain out. I don’t want to still be “grieving the marriage.” But I guess I still am. What I shared was something from very early in the marriage when our first child almost died. Something happened between me and my H, in the shadow of our infant’s illness, and it was very painful and illustrated the truth of our relationship, which I am only coming to grips with now. The memory came up while T and I were discussing something else, and I followed it. T has told me before that when you are in therapy, the memories just line up to be told, to be shared. Your unconscious knows it is time for the memories to come out and be remembered and felt, because here at last is a safe place to express the pain, and a safe person to share them with. It’s so healing. It’s so strange.

T and I talk about my current relationship with H, and he suggests that I talk to my H and say X, Y, and Z. He thinks it would be very positive if I said these things, and help strengthen our relationship, which is so important when you have kids and are getting divorced. I say I am not ready. I can’t do that. I was closer to that point a month ago--there have been some very rocky and painful times with my H recently. T says I need to be the prow of the ship (go first, initiate this). I say no, I am tired of being the prow of the ship. Why do I always have to be the prow? Why? Because you’re a leader, says T. Silence. And because you wouldn’t have it any other way (he knows me well). I guess he expects resistance because when I readily agree with that last statement, he laughs. I say I can’t do that yet, though, I’m just not ready. It just feels so one way to me, and I don’t want to keep doing that. (From my point of view, my entire marriage has been one way and that was very, very painful, and I don’t want to keep repeating that pattern, because it brings up all of the old hurt.) I’m trying to help you make it two way, says T, very gently. I don’t understand this comment. Or what all this is in service of. To me it seems T is just asking me to repeat a painful pattern, and the outcome will be no better now than all those times before. It seems ironic to work so hard now, to be so concerned about the relationship with my H (I don’t want to be!), and try to make it better, when we are getting divorced. I am just not there yet, I say. I can’t say those things to him—it would be lying. I would never ask you to lie, T says. I’m not there yet, I repeat. OK.

We shared a really nice hug at the end. So warm and encompassing and safe.

[phoenix7]

its always good to hear good news sunrise, I am glad you had a good session P7

[ECHOES]

T has told me before that when you are in therapy, the memories just line up to be told, to be shared. Your unconscious knows it is time for the memories to come out and be remembered and felt, because here at last is a safe place to express the pain, and a safe person to share them with.

Thanks for sharing this. Something I needed to read right now.

When I read your post and what T said, I get the feeling he is encouraging something different, and not one way. It sounds like he is maybe trying to help you re-define and re-script your role in situations with your H.

I love that he knows you well and appealed to your positive feelings about being a leader. And that he listened and accepted that you don't feel ready yet. It really sounds like a very comfortable relationship you have with your T.

(((((((((((((((((((((sunny)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Connected sessions are the best. And I love that T wanted you to do something, you told him you weren't ready, and he accepted and honored that.

AND I love that you were able to tell him so clearly that you weren't ready, and why. When I hear myself standing up for myself like that to T, I realize how far I have come in therapy. It feels so good to see progress!!

[MINIME]

Im so glad that T is going well with you.

[searchingmysoul]

From Sunise: T has told me before that when you are in therapy, the memories just line up to be told, to be shared. Your unconscious knows it is time for the memories to come out and be remembered and felt, because here at last is a safe place to express the pain, and a safe person to share them with.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Thanks for sharing this. Something I needed to read right now.

Me Too!!! Synchronistic.

Thanks for this post sunrise! Sounds like a great session

[coconut64]

Great session Sunrise, thanks for sharing

[MissCharlotte]

((sunrise))

That sounds like a really safe and connected session.

[Kiya]

"We shared a really nice hug at the end. So warm and encompassing and safe. "

Yay!!!! (((((((((((((((((((Sunrise))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by sunrise

In the midst of all the difficulities with therapy and therapists that people are posting about, I feel kind of guilty making a positive post.

How dare you!

[Lemon]

I'm so glad you had a good session and posted about it! I had been wondering how you were doing. I think that you had hit a bump in the divorce process before the holidays (I'm not sure if that's been resolved?) but it sounds like you and your T are still a great team.

I've been struggling a lot with memories. Growing up I always thought I had a great memory, but something changed (and I don't think it's just age!) and I feel like I can't remember anything these days, even things that aren't tramatic. My T and I have begun to explore this issue. T says when someone is anxious there is actually a change in the chemicals in the brain that don't allow the organ in the brain that controls memory to work correctly. I know I don't have that completely right, but it did help me to realize that my anxiety was effecting my day to day life and there was some strange comfort in accepting that.

Anyway, Hooray for the connected session. I have my first one in 3 weeks on Thursday.

Originally Posted by sunrise

In the midst of all the difficulities with therapy and therapists that people are posting about, I feel kind of guilty making a positive post. But here goes... My therapy is going really well and I am getting along great with my therapist. I hope it is OK to post that.

How dare you???? LOL. I'm glad to hear your therapy is going well.

What was sweet was at the beginning, when I first see T, I comment on the beard he is growing. I love beards!!! He tells me he will shave it off when he comes back to work for good next week. No, keep it, I urge. Why? Because I like beards, I say. He says his wife told him it makes him look hawt. LOL. I don’t say “me too,” but this cracked me up. I hope he keeps it.

I can't even imagine my T without his beard/goatee thingy. If he ever shaved it off, I don't think I would even recognize him. I don't think he would, though. The whole goatee thing is staple for a lot of male therapists (and maybe some female therapists, lol). My T seems like one of these.

I do pretty much trust T with anything. At this session, we went very deep, out of nowhere, and I cried a lot and even sobbed. (One of my new things is to let myself sob if I need to sob. It’s still hard to do that with someone else present, but I'm doing better.) T just sits there and takes it. It strikes me now, as it has before, how strange it is to go see someone for an hour and sob and tell the saddest stories from your life, while they just sit there and listen. (Of course, they do so much more.)

That is wonderful progress. It takes a lot to get to this point. I think when the T sits there, silently, and shares in our sadness-- this can be so powerful.

[sunrise]

Thanks, everyone.

When I have a good session like that, it "lasts" a long time. My next session will be 9 days after the one I described here. I am on day 5 and still going strong.

I had a little bit of a triumph a couple of days ago. I'm trying to be better about setting boundaries and I set one for my H and he followed it! It was like a miracle. This never happened during our marriage and the same pattern has been continuing now that we are apart, even though I have been trying to voice boundaries more clearly. (Now that we are getting divorced, I figure what have I got to lose?) Anyway, something must have clicked for him and the result was good. So maybe this is a little of what T means by the relationship becoming more two way, although I still am not ready to say the things to H that T suggested.

The best part for me in the session was sharing that painful memory. I feel lighter now that it has been shared.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Lemon

I think that you had hit a bump in the divorce process before the holidays (I'm not sure if that's been resolved?)

Yes, there was a big bump, although at the time it felt like "the end." It was really a blow and has had a lasting effect on me. I feel like it helped me see my marriage for what it really was. It's a sight that isn't pretty and that I had been protecting myself from for many years. It's been painful to see that. But we're on our feet again and moving on with the proceedings.

Originally Posted by Lemon

I feel like I can't remember anything these days

Lemon, when I was depressed, my memory was terrible. When I came out from under that, my memory got better. It was great to be able to remember things again. I had thought I was just getting senile prematurely but it was the depression. Maybe your memory will return when the anxiety subsides. Sleeping well was really important for me too.

Originally Posted by Lemon

it did help me to realize that my anxiety was effecting my day to day life and there was some strange comfort in accepting that.

I think I understand that. I was taking a class last year and a neurobiologist was lecturing one day and said some things about depression that really made me feel better. Like depression can be advantageous for survival and he had examples of rodent behavior that illustrated this. That made me think a lot about depression and how it can actually be evolutionarily advantageous to be depressed. It can help you survive! This made me feel tremendously better about my depression, like it had a purpose and adaptive value. It wasn't just my body going wacko for no reason at all.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

The whole goatee thing is staple for a lot of male therapists

My T is growing a full beard. (I think a goatee would be too "mannered" for him.) But he says it never fills in completely and took great care to show me the "holes" that will never fill in. I don't care. He said he really needs to give it 6 weeks before it is fully in but he planned to shave it off. I encouraged him to go 6 weeks. We will see...

Originally Posted by pinksoil

I think when the T sits there, silently, and shares in our sadness-- this can be so powerful.

[Nanette]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

its always good to hear good news sunrise, I am glad you had a good session P7

Yes, hearing good things is always good and not heard often enough. Thanks for that. It must be so hard going through divorce. Have not had that experience. Great to have a good listener.