[ECHOES]

Have you recognized your own resistance, especially when it appeared to be something else?

How did you get past it?

The last 2 weeks therapy has been once a week instead of twice. I'm lucky that 'they' decided to stay during the holidays or it would have been even less frequent. Therapy has just been 'off' during this time. Not only is the schedule not the same, but work has been overwhelmingly busy and many crises there, and when things like this happen I get so overwhelmed and I don't sleep right, don't eat right, and I forget to take my thyroid meds. The past 3 weeks have just been overwhelming, exhausting. I've wondered if it wouldn't have been better just to take a 2 week break from therapy. Who knows.

Last week I went to therapy feeling nothing in particular except tired. The crises had resolved without too much fallout. Knowing it was going to be a week before I saw her again had an impact. I think the session's hour, compared to the week between appointments, just seem so tiny and unimportant or .. something.

Anyway I had no concerns about what to talk about or thoughts that I didn't feel like talking or that it would be difficult. I felt pretty good. I spoke to her, asking my usual How are you, as we walked down the short hall instead of waiting until we got to the room. I felt comfortable.

But wait. There's more. lol Once in the room and after talking about work some, there was a silence and I could tell she wasn't wanting to let it happen. I have told her that I LIKE silences. I wish she would just let them happen. Yes, I am often censoring during that silence, but so what, I do it as I go anyway. She used to let the silences go on longer although she would still be paying attention to me, and occaisionally nodding slightly (which I secretly love). Now she wants to interrupt the silence to talk about the silence. So instead of having the silence feel good, I felt tremendous pressure from her staring at me (and nodding slightly).

I don't remember all that happened right before I left but I left a little early after saying I didn't know what was going on with me, digging (and digging and digging---thought I'd die of embarrassment) in my purse for my checkbook and pen because I'd forgotten to write out her check beforehand (I'm used to paying after Thursday's session and this was Monday). My anger was building and I had to get out of there. She asked, "So next Monday at 6?"

I called later (as I am encouraged to leave a message anytime about anything) and asked "WHY do you DO that??!? WHY do you PRESSURE me like that?!?!" Still later I called and said that if she doesn't want me to come back, please say so.

I have thought of little else for days. I don't like getting angry. I wish I hadn't made those calls. She was merely confirming next Monday's time because last week it was changed just for that week and next Monday we are back to our regularly scheduled program
I realize now that SHE isn't pressuring me. I'm using that as a distraction, a way to focus on the external so I can try to keep the internal hidden. I think it's also why I focus so much on her room, on her clothes.
I am fiercely resisting.

And I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to get over this hurdle, this wanting so much to be seen and heard yet wanting to hide as well.

[ClinicallyClueless]

Thank you for sharing as this is a common experience. I would cancel for some "transgression," only to feel remorseful and disconnect to my therapist and call back to reschedule. I don't do that anymore, but it took a long time to work through and, oh my, talk about it.

Resistance is just part of the process and I find that it is very helpful to discuss and explore which I know is difficult when you are resisting. Just this last week, I was really avoiding what was going on and was getting angry with him, so as discussed previously, I went for a walk and sat outside. Then, came back in and was able to work. Otherwise, I would have done something similar to what you did. Sometimes, I am aware of my resistance and can do something about it and other times I am oblivious.

Take care,
CC

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I realize now that SHE isn't pressuring me. I'm using that as a distraction, a way to focus on the external so I can try to keep the internal hidden. I think it's also why I focus so much on her room, on her clothes. I am fiercely resisting.

Do you know what you are resisting? You mention keeping the internal hidden. Are there specific things that are internal that are scary to share? (I'm not asking you to say what they are here, but just if you know what they are.) If you don't know the specific things you are resisting, maybe that would be a first step. Maybe you could spend time trying to discover what those internal things are that you don't want to talk to T about--maybe through writing in your journal?

If you do know what those internal things are and can't bring yourself to talk about them, could you tell your T "there is something I want to talk about but am finding many excuses not to. Could you help me stick to this topic, get it out, and not let me get distracted and change the subject?" Do you think she could help you with this?

Maybe what I've written isn't relevant. ECHOES, I'm not sure if you know what you are resisting or not. In the past, there have been times I was resistant and wasn't really even aware of it. I was able to get past it by becoming aware of what I was doing. When I knew I was resistant, it was easier to sweep that aside and get to the heart of the matter. Kind of like, "aha, I've found you out, you won't stand in my way anymore!" So I think it is a really good thing that you have discovered your focus on the external is a way of resisting. Now you can watch yourself and guard against that.

[doubtful]

Echoes,

Just noticing that you are paying attention to the external things instead of some internal things is good work.

I am self-protective when I'm only going once a week or otherwise have a break coming up. I wouldn't call it resistance, per se, just a healthy defense to maintain some connection without putting it all out there.

If it really is some kind of resistance, I've found that the kinds of external things I am focusing on can be a clue to what I'm not talking about. Sometimes I go in looking to pick a fight with T, sometimes I won't believe that T could possibly care about me, sometimes I want to hate a certain affect---those are never the issues but at least I get some hints about the underlying feelings that I'm not aware of, whether they be anger, insecurity, shame, etc.

I really believe that "resistance" is as important as all the other parts of the work. You're doing good therapy, I'm just sorry it doesn't feel like that to you right now. (I know the feeling)

~doubtful

[MissCharlotte]

I think the session's hour, compared to the week between appointments, just seem so tiny and unimportant or .. something.

risky? Maybe the session felt risky because there would be a whole week to process anything that came up.

Is there some way you can do a relaxation exercise before session? Can you arrive a bit early and play a relaxation tape to yourself in the car in the parking lot? I do breathing in-session (sometimes with T / sometimes on my own) as a way to relax a bit. Focusing on my breath lets me notice what's going on "inside" and then find a place to begin.

I must say Echoes, your session sounds very appealing--just like what I fantasize doing this week. I want to walk in, say nothing and leave early. I think in my case it would be protest rather than resistance. LOL

Originally Posted by doubtful

I am self-protective when I'm only going once a week or otherwise have a break coming up. I wouldn't call it resistance, per se, just a healthy defense to maintain some connection without putting it all out there.

l

Yes, this is true for me too. There was a session once when I revealed something HUGE before a family vacation - something had happened in my life that mirrored an earlier traumatic experience and I was freaking out and had to get it out. Then I didn't see T for 11 days. THAT did not feel good.

I've noticed since then that when we have a schedule change - like seeing each other once a week instead of twice - I am much more reluctant to talk about anything too serious or close or deep.

I wonder if when the holidays are over, and you are back to your normal schedule, if things will feel different for you, Echoes??

I DO think it's interesting that when she said "Monday at 6?" you wanted to interpret that as "I don't really want to see you" instead of "are we back on our normal schedule?". There's something you can talk about when things get silent on Monday

(((((((((((((((((((((Echoes)))))))))))))))))))) You are doing good work just noticing all of this stuff. I hope things feel better next week when you resume your normal schedule...