[xivella]

Okay.. so I'm kind of asking for some advice I guess. I'm not sure how to talk to my T about a lot of things that go on in my life. I'm kind of afraid, horribly afraid of being judged, and that I might be sent away, whether to a hospital or just out of therapy. I've started slowly, I shared some things about my childhood. I was abused, and my T was the first person I talked about it with in years, and we haven't really talked about it since, so it's still hurting me. The thing is, I don't know how to bring it up. I have GAD, and I get nervous and my face gets red, and I get scared. It's not just the abuse that I need to talk about though, it's other things. I have some very self destructive thoughts, and I'm kind of stuck in a pit of self loathing that I can't seem to share with her. I get nervous because when I first started therapy, I had to fill out a questionnaire thing, and it asked all kinds of questions about me. I lied on many of them because I wasn't comfortable enough to share yet. I don't know how she'll react when I say that I lied about it, and the thought of telling her makes me even more nervous. I need to tell her about past issues of mine, things that still hurt me, and I just don't know how. Is it because I need a new T? Or because I'm just being overly shy and cautious? Does anyone else have such a hard time opening up? I feel like I need to do it soon, because my depression is becoming so overwhelming and consuming that my self destructive thoughts are worse than they have been in a very long time. I just can't seem to get it out. I'm hoping that the new year will bring some positive changes for me, so the first step will be to be honest with my T. If anyone has any ideas that they could share with me, it would really help. Sorry for such a long post.

-Ella.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((( Ella )))))))))))))))))))

How long have you been seeing your T? It takes a while to get comfortable with someone. One thing that helped me is I had a conversation about what situations would bring on being put in the hospital or bring on termination of therapy. Knowing these things made it easier for me because some of the fear was taken away from the situation. I spent a long time feeling like I just needed to blurt out all kinds of stuff in therapy however I have discovered that it doesn't all have to come out at once, it's a little better to let a little bit out at a time.

[phoenix7]

the way I got around it was to write it down and take the letter to my T - its hard saying those things - T was the only one I had told about the SA when I was a child and it took a long time before i could talk about it - he was the first one id ever told - so as I told him there were 3 people who knew onthe planet - its so hard but you can do this -

write it down or take a list of what you want to talk to T about - thats all i can think of - I hope things improve for you - they can you know

[skeksi]

I lied my ***** off in my intake. "No, I've never been abused. No, I've never hurt myself. No, I have no concerns about intimacy." LOL. Some of it, I didn't even *know* I was lying about, because I believed my story so completely.

So I went in the next session and said, "So, I lied about something." And dumped the truth of that one thing out on the table. T took it in stride, as he has all my other confessions.

Perhaps a good first step is admitting that you haven't been truthful about some things--you don't even have to say *what*, if you don't want to. Just getting that out on the table may be an important first step.

[deliquesce]

pdoc asked me about abuse at the end of the first session.

i only told him the truth four years later.

he understood .

[ClinicallyClueless]

I've been in therapy a long time with the same therapist. It took me a year not to have totally silent session. All he had to do was say, "hi," and I would withdraw into my self (dissociate). I journaled a lot and was majoring in counseling, so I had lots of people to process with. But, when I returned to therapy after a five year break. I journaled all the time and began reading it to him including my abusive past that was emerging. I suggest starting by reading whatever you can that you posted here. Try to be in the present of where you are at and talk about that.


CC

[MissCharlotte]

Begin slowly about things that seem normal and non-threatening. Talk about everyday stuff like your job or school. The rest will come in time.

((((xivella))))

[Sannah]

Xivella, you have mentioned a few things here that seem to be holding you back. What always helped me was to tackle each one so that these fears came down to size. You mentioned that you get red in the face and nervous. I'm familiar with that one. What helped me was to accept that it is okay to get red. I still do! Many people do. Just keep going, its not the end of the world (even though it can feel like it at first!). That flush of nervousness! It's like all your feelings just got activated in one huge lump. I just take a deep breathe and move forward. It isn't a crime to be nervous or to show it. Sometimes I mention it. "I'm nervous!" This gets it out in the open and takes away the burden of trying to hide it.

Yeah, you are the only person on the planet who has lied about issues in therapy! Maybe just come right out and say it and get it out in the open?

[xivella]

gimmieice - I have been seeing my T since October, and I agree.. it does take time to get comfortable with someone. I'm really worried though, because I have this feeling that I'm running out of time - which is probably illegitimate. I think that a conversation about what would put me in a hospital or cause an end to my sessions would be a really good thing to have. I'll keep it in mind for my next session. Thanks a lot

(((P7))) I'm so glad you were strong enough to talk to your T about the SA. I talked to mine too - it was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. I just blurted it all out and asked to change the subject and talk about it another time. As for writing things down - I do have a list of things that I need to talk about She knows I have a list, and also that I'm scared to talk about it . I think that writing everything will be very useful, though I would also be too scared and self conscious to read it...I'll keep a journal for the rest of break and maybe give it to her. Thanks for having faith in the fact that things will improve. I really appreciate it.

Skeksi - Lol!! you sound just like meI lied about all of that stuff on my intake.. and I have to tell her now I think I may combine your advice with P7's and write that I lied.. and leave that with my T. That sounds entirely doable. Thanks

(((((Deli)))) I've said it before... but really, I'm glad you could open up after such a long time. It gives me confidence that I'll be able to do it too.

CC - I think that journaling is a great idea. I'm happy that it helped you, and I'll certainly try it. Thanks a lot for the good luck wishes, and good luck to you too

MissC - I am trying

Sannah - It's really helpful to know that I'm not the only one that freaks out and gets flustered and embarrassed ... and I'm sorry it has to happen to you too. I think that you're right - the first step to getting better is being honest about my feelings, and I will be honest. I will tell my T when I am embarrassed and hurting, and maybe it will be easier to be truthful then. Thanks

((((((Sannah)))) ((((((everyone))))) thanks so much

Ella