[hangingon]

I have been in this place in my mind lately that is beginning to become unbearable. I have not talked to my therapist about this because I just started seeing her and am still working on the trust aspect.

I’m not sure that I can really explain it but I will try. I find myself wanting to not exist anymore. I don’t have a plan. Yet, working in the medical field, I know what to do, if I ever really wanted to end my life, how to do it successfully.

I was driving in my car today thinking about where I am in my life, where I would have liked to have been ect. The problem is, I have done so many things; including taking a year off to travel to other countries and across the states. In that year, I had tried pretty much everything I ever wanted to do at least once in my life.

I had been through college, have a bachelor’s in Education, taught for two years, decided that’s not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Now I am back in school, in my final year of nursing. Schooling was my life for some time. It was pretty much the only thing that gave me purpose. I accomplished a lot. Tested in for honors classes, nominated for phi theta ect. I loved it; it was the only thing I had to look forward to, now I’m even losing my desire for that.

I have come to this point where I don’t care. I don’t care to be here anymore at times. I use to want a child that is one of the only things that I had left in mind which I would have liked to have done, but that has changed. I am not sure that I would want to bring a child into this world. For one, I experienced a lot of hurt as a child, so I know the bad and I wouldn’t want a child to be exposed to that. Two, I’m not even sure that I would make a good mom.

I don’t even know where all this has come from. I have never been like this before. I feel I have lost my purpose. Or perhaps, I never even knew what it was to begin with.
Has anyone here ever come to this point? If so how do you get out of it? I don't want to deal with these thougths and feelings anymore.

Hangingon

[lifelesstraveled]

I am not sure, but could it be:
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/wha...al-depression/
Its just a wild guess. I could be way off base....

[chaotic13]

Hangingon, maybe this is related to the loss of your mom and what is going on with your family. Do you think you could talk with your T about the email you sent to her? Maybe start with the mix of feelings you were experiencing following her death. Then as you discuss how you felt you might say something about still kind of feeling like you have no purpose.

Feeling like you on this earth for some reason other than to suffer is REALLY important. I'm not particularly religious, but I am thankful that some how I learned the concept of faith and that I am on this earth to add my small contribution to something that I may not always understand.

As a teacher do you ever remember providing something to a student or parent that only YOU being there at that moment could have provided? Certainly the professions you've chosen Education and Nursing indicate that you've been called to serve humanity in some capacity. Even if you don't see a purpose for your life... I think everyone is here for a reason...even the infant that only survives for a few hours, came to bring SOMETHING to this world. Sorry for getting metaphysical here.

[hangingon]

Thanks lifelesstraveled, could very well be.

Chaotic, what you said sort of goes along with the URL info that lifelesstraveld sent.
The death of my mom could very well be playing in all of this. She was the only one I was connected to so now I find myself feeling much more alone. My step-dad has not communicated with me at all since my moms death. I went to my parent's house because it was his birthday and I wanted to see him and bring a gift. We talked, it was ok but Christmas has come and gone and I have still yet to hear from him. Even though I was not connected to my step-dad, he's been my dad since I was 1.

Its like I have this whole new life but without anyone in it.
I agree that we all have purpose, I just don't know what mine is anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I lived for others so much that I never found me.

I did love the kids that I taught and they loved me. Many of them cried when they heard I was not coming back the following year. It was a small school for children with learning disabilities so I saw all of them every day.

I suspected one of my students was being abused because of her behavior. One day, I finally confronted her about it in private and she told me that her dad had been abusing her. So I informed her of what I had to do to help her. She was removed from her home until her dad completed anger management therapy. There were others who I had helped along the way as well. It only seemed naturally for me to help others. In doing so I felt like I was in my element.

Some of my foreign trips included missions work. I loved that, but things have changed, its as if I lost my passion for those things and I don't know how to get it back.

I can try to share this with my therapist but right now I am at that point where nothing seems to matter, not even doing that.

hangingon

[dalila]

This really sounds like depression. Are you taking any medications? Are you open to the ideal? I don't know that I could have done the work in therapy without anti-depression drugs. Take care of yourself, even if you don't feel like doing it.

[hangingon]

Dalia,
I actually was diagnosed with depression for the first time, January of last year. Thats what actually brought me to therapy in the first place, while there I finally let out that I was SA as a child.

I didn't want to take meds because I was a student and I had no idea how the side effects would be and being in such an intense program I didn't want to risk it. I did however decided to go to therapy once a week.

By summer time I was finally starting to feel good. That all started to change when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away a couple months later.

I think it's all starting to hit me, the past two weeks I have cried myself to sleep every night. Thats very unusual for me. I have thought about meds alot lately.

Today was better though, I started back to school and seeing so many familar faces was really great. I really need structure. I have this thing about sitting home and doing nothing. My mind cannot handle it. I know I should learn to just sit with the pain but I am not very good at it.

I'm hoping school will pull me out of this some. If it doesn't work this time then I may ask my doctor about meds.

Hangingon

[02221983]

I am very sorry to know that you feel this way right now, I hope those feels will pass so you can live again.... you sound like a very strong person and you will get through this. Maybe if you can from a study group at school or surround yourself with others friends that you can trust please don't be afraid to contact them for help or to distract her self from these unhealthy thoughts.

I wish you love and happiness….. take care

[chaotic13]

I guess everyone battles depression in their own way. I was lucky enough to have children that needed my protection. This helped me to get moving again. Also, I was able to find 1 thing that I had some control of and could manage to succeed at. I used this as a ladder to climb out of the deep dark whole.