Rant About Therapy

Peaches, you really have the most amazing way with words! You almost had me in tears. I understand exactly how you feel, going back is very painful, and having someone (t) witness this is also traumatic. I do believe, however, that by going back, we come back a little stronger every time, and eventually, our "adult" will be present with our "child", and we ourself will be able to comfort and nurture. Take care

Peaches100 I never would have thought of doing what you did but you hit on just the right way to approach it. and look what you learned from it! I am in awe!

I told T yesterday that I had made a list of "effects of victimization" in my life, and came to the realization that if it had not happened, I wouldn't have my two youngest brothers & their children, or my DH, or so much else that is so preciious to me - I looked at her and said, I sit here and tell you that I never knew a father's love, and now I realize that I do have a Father, who has really been there for me, all the time, and is yet. This is a profound thought for me (who had thought myself a religious person), and it eases so much of the burden of self hate and despair that I have carried for so long and was finally crumbling under.

Keep reading - your child within will continue to teach you - and hugs to you, you are really something.

Peaches, you can heal and get those unmet childhood needs met in adulthood.......

About your T, no one can give us what we need until we ask for it and discuss it with them so that they understand. T cannot read your mind. Could you be feeling a bit guilty about asking to get your needs met?

I had my therapy appointment yesterday. It was very good. In fact, I’m having a hard time believing it really happened. You know that unreal feeling you get when something major happens (e.g., winning the lottery, a sudden death, etc.)? That’s how I feel. I can remember what happened, but it almost feels like I am remembering a dream I had.

When I got to my appointment, the first thing we did was breathe together. That is how we start every session. We just sit quietly in our chairs, focusing on our breath as it goes in and comes out. Then, after about 5 minutes, my t will match her breathing to mine, and on the exhale, she will make a relaxing “Ahhhhhhhhhh” sound. She always invites me to do that with her, but I’m too embarrassed so I just listen. It does make me feel more relaxed though.

After the breathing, she asked me if I minded for her to scoot her chair closer, and I said that was fine. She asked me if I felt any fear or tension in my body. I didn’t, so I told her no. Then she asked me if she could put her hand on my knee, and I said OK. She did that, and then asked me again if I noticed any fear reaction. I said “Yes, I do.” So she removed her hand. A couple of minutes later, she tried it again, and I told her again that it was scary for me. So again she quit.

Then she asked me what was my first memory of being touched and feeling fear. I told her probably with my neighbor who abused me. She asked me what did that experience teach me about myself? I told her it taught me “I am not safe.” She asked me to think about the experience and tell her what I felt in my body. I was getting a nauseated feeling in my stomach, and like a squeezing pain. I told her I felt like throwing up. She asked me to concentrate on the feeling in my stomach and then tell her what happens to it. (She also pulled the trash can closer, in case I really had to hurl.) I concentrated on the feeling, and the discomfort and pain just stayed with me.

Then, my t asked me, is there anything I’d like to say to (my abuser) about what he did, and the impact it has had on my life? I did not know what to say. I have such mixed feelings about it. I told her I didn’t know. She asked me if I would want to tell him how upset I am that he stole my innocence? (At that, I felt like bursting out in tears, but was able to shut if off.) It was like I could not speak.

Then, my t asked, “Is it OK if we go back in time and I say something to him?” I told her that was fine with me. And that’s when she asked me, “Is it OK if I take that little girl’s hand?” I took a deep breath and told her Yes. So she held my hand and she told him that what he did was wrong. . .that it hurt me . . .and that even though he had said nice things to me. . .things that make children feel good. . .he also deceived me. She told him “I’m going to take her out of here now, and I am not going to let anything bad happen to her again.” I cried a little bit, and then we stopped.

I told her it was nice, and I felt pretty good. And then we ended the session by doing a relaxation exercise. Afterward, I told her it had felt like the adult part of me went through the experience, but the hurt child part had just sort of been watching to see how things went and if it was safe. (As if to say, “If t touches/comforts the in-control, adult part of me . . . and I don’t freak out & nothing bad happens. . . then maybe t really is safe for small hurting parts to slowly get close as well.”)

And that’s what happened.

Wow.

That's all I want to say, but I guess the system requires more words, so here they are.

Pachy,

How do you interpret what happened? Do you think it was good or bad?

I interpreted it as being good. Difficult but good.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.................

Peaches! Your therapist was correct that you really didn't want to be touched. She is a good therapist! BUT! You told her what you needed and she responded! She is doing exactly what you need BECAUSE you told her what you needed! GOOD WORK! I am really excited for you! (and it sounds like she is doing what Earthmama's T did. She is entering the trauma and helping your inner child).

Your inner child will feel safe when she is ready. I am really impressed!

Fantastic progress! I'm so pleased for you!

(((((((((((( peaches100 )))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((peaches))))))))))))))))))))))))))

That is just so awesome. T has done that - entered into my trauma with me and helped the little me - and it has been really surprisingly healing. Like, I know it doesn't change what happened, but it makes that little me see what she actually needed and DESERVED.

Your T sounds so good...and like she is hearing you and giving you what you need. That is just the best.

(((((((((((( peaches100 ))))))))))))

you have an excellent T. what a session that was!!!
you ask, was it good news yes!!!
be happy - I know I am so happy for you.

RiverX,

It doesnt seem that puzzling to me. We are wounded in relationship so we crave to heal in relationship.

That makes so much sense.

Hangingon,

. . .having my T there and just watching is very uncomfortable for me. I don't tell her that. We'll she does know that I don't like crying in front of people. Maybe is the little one in me during those times who wants comforting as well.

Crying in front of someone can be a very humbling, vulnerable position to be in. Very much open . . .letting the tender, fragile part of yourself be seen. . .the part that perhaps you've worked hard to protect and keep hidden. It is scary indeed.

I don't have an ounce of nerve to ask for her to sit with me ect....well actually she couldn't lol we only have arm chairs.... but there are times that I want to ask her to sit near me ect.....yet, I fear asking after hearing people here saying their T's dont allow it. I don't think I could handle that rejection.

Do you think your t would say No to a request to move her chair a bit closer? What if she said OK?

Earthmama,

Remember it doesn't have to be all or nothing....like a big bear hug or no touch at all. T and I started by just touching fingertip to fingertip, leaning across the room. That was plenty for a while.

That was a great idea to start small like that.

Pachy,

It occurs to me that a T might be interested in sending you temporarily to another T with a different specialization, where it would not be a permanent thing. Sort of a consultation with another person. This might not be as threatening to you.

I know my t has thought about referring me at times. I had thought about asking her for a referral to a body worker, someone who uses therapeutic mind/body approaches. But hopefully, now that she is willing to work with me on the touch issue, I won't have to find someone else.

this is SO hard for me, it just seems impossible. And yet I am more and more convinced that "wounded in relationship, we must heal in relationship" is precisely the heart of it; if we leave ourselves open that far, let ourselves be that vulnerable, and nothing bad happens to us, on the contrary we find T so caring and compassionate, this must be where the healing experience comes in, and offsets the earlier, hurting one.

I can write the words but will I ever be brave enough to do it like some of you. You folks are amazing ...

It was over a year before I cried in therapy. If you need to get there, you will get there. I never thought I would cry in therapy, ever, EVER. Now, I'm just like "can you pass the kleenex?"

man I am too repressed even to ask for a kleenex.

LOL - the first time I cried in T, I honestly didn't know if it was okay to ask for a kleenex. I finally asked "is it okay if I blow my nose in here?" - I had almost NEVER cried in front of anyone before, and really, SERIOUSLY didn't know the etiquette. How repressed is that?!

you are so polite - yikes - what if T had said "no" ?!
lol

I have no idea if she would say no but the very thought of her saying no would make me feel more horrible for asking. So I'm not sure that I ever could.
If she said Ok, I would like that. But the fear of asking and hearing no is much stronger than the courage to ask.