Rant About Therapy

I just need to rant about therapy. I am so angry right now that therapy is so hard and painful. On one hand, it seems like the right thing to do to face my painful issues and resolve them. On the other hand, during the years I've been in therapy, I can say that for every 1 ounce of relief or comfort I've felt, I've had at least 10 ounces of pain, maybe more. Also, for some issues, it does not seem like there is any good resolution, and the only thing that can be done is to talk, talk, talk about it until i am sick of hearing my own voice. i feel like a damn tape recorder. i don't know how my t can stand hearing the same things over and over again.

Therapy brings up the most painful unmet needs. I wonder what's the use of unearthing such deep yearnings and gut level pain about the attachment needs that were not met when we were children. . .only to find out that they cannot be met in the therapy relationship either? The caring we get from our t's does not hold a candle to the gaping hole inside. We are so empty and famished emotionally and relationally that once we actually see and acknowledge what's missing, it hurts like (*^U%& and we can't help reaching out to our t's to comfort us. But NO. To most t's, even a hug or handhold is taboo. What?! Are our needs to be faced, acknowledged, felt, grieved, but not to be filled. . .ever??? How is that "healing?"

I know full well that we are supposed to be able to develop the capacity to soothe our own hurt inner child. But dang it, how can I give myself something that I've never had to start with? I don't even know what true nurturing comfort feels like, much less can I give it to my hurting inner child. I'm sick of being in pain and want to know where the "therapy" part of therapy comes in. All I seem to do is come into touch with more and more buried pain.

I just don't want to go anymore. I mean, I've felt this way a few times before. In fact, it seems to be a sort of cycle I go through every once in awhile. Things get too painful, and I want to quit. Then I go back in and my t and I talk about it. Things are better for awhile. Until the next time things get so painful they overwhelm me again. But the cycle is getting old. I'm tired of hurting so much. I'm just plain tired. And I'm losing hope that my problems can ever be resolved.

There are times we talk about my past, about how I needed my mom to be there for me, and yet she wasn't. It makes me cry and doubles me over in pain. And I just feel so desperate for a kind hug from my t, for her to hold my hand and give me the comfort I never had. What's so wrong with that? Why do I have to go through feeling such pain and not having rescue and comfort? Isn't that the same thing I experienced as a child? If that was traumatic for me, then why is therapy replicating that? I can't stand it to work so hard to break down the walls and let myself be vulnerable -- and overcome my shame to admit that I need physical comfort -- and then for my t not to act on it, not to offer it. Oh sure, she's kind about it. She'll let me talk about how and why I need it all I want to. But it doesn't make much difference. She still does not reach out to give me the sort of comfort I am desperate for.

I'm starting to think that therapy is just not worth the pain and expense involved. All roads seem to lead to the pain of unmet needs that cannot be met now either. I am tired of looking at the pain without getting relief. What's the point?

((((((( peaches )))))))

I can really feel your frustration but can also see you have a great understanding of where your feelings are coming from. It can feel like you are just going round and round in circles but you will find that you get stronger each time and it will level out.

You said something about wanting your T to rescue you but that isn't T's job, eventually the adult you will be able to care/nurture the child you. And that HAS to come from you.

Also, as a childhood victim of SA, I feel that I am being punished now for what happened to me then. I know that my t hugs some of her patients at the end of each session (she told me this awhile back). So it is not a matter of her having a "no touch" policy. Noooo. She has a "no touch" policy with me. Why? Because I'm a victim of SA.

Therapists are always telling us "It wasn't your fault," "You aren't to blame for what happened," "You should not have suffered unwanted, unsafe touch." But do they want to help us learn safe touch? NO! It's too messy, it's not worth the risk trying to straighten out the hurt little girl inside us who feels shame and has mixed messages about touch. Better to stay away from us with a 10-foot pole, so as not to trigger us. But for those of us who only experienced unsafe touch, and never got safe, nurturing physical comfort from our parents, it can be a desperate need to comforted when we re-experience the pain now. For the t to withhold it feels just like what happened with our parents when we were in need and they didn't do anything to stop the pain or comfort us. It feels like rejection and abandonment.

I fully understand how, for an SA survivor, physical touch in therapy has it's potential dangers. We could be triggered by it. It could remind us of our past abuse. We could have body memories come back to us and then feel shame about it. But isn't therapy the place to work through those reactions? Isn't that a big reason why we came to therapy in the first place? Because we have issues involving nurture, touch, abuse, and shame? I applaud those of you who are getting quick results using methods like EMDR or EFT. But it doesn't work very well for me. It's not a quick fix. i don't understand what i am supposed to do about my feelings of shame or the way my abuse has skewed my feelings about nurturing touch, comfort, and intimacy. I thought that my t would help me to straighten out those skewed responses and re-teach the child part of me about safe touch, and that by giving hugs or comfort, I would learn over time that it is good and OK and healing, not dangerous. But apparently, that's not going to happen. I feel like an untouchable freak.

Peaches, instead of going back to the past in therapy, is there any problem that you are having right now that you can work on?

I understand your frustration, Peaches. I wish I had answers. I've wondered about this, too.

My best understanding (and this is just me, probably others who have studied the therapeutic process will chime in with other ideas), is that yes, therapy is supposed to make you aware of these feelings and help you understand why you are having them. But no, it can never completely fill those unmet needs from a long time ago, and that does feel frustrating, and rejecting, and really upsetting, to have to experience that again. But your T knows that it feels that way, and will try to support you as you face those feelings. So, where to go from there? To use that knowledge about yourself to know what you need in other relationships in your life, and to try to work on those relationships, and let them help fill some of those holes. I think there will always be some pain left, because you didn't get what you needed and deserved originally, but after you process those feelings enough, you will be able to move forward and work on new relationships that help.

Well, that's how I understand it for me anyway. So, no, not the perfect solution, and it will involve pain. But I ask myself, what is the alternative, really? What should have happened originally didn't, and now I have to find the best path forward from here.

Anyway, I'm really sorry it's so hard right now. FWIW, I don't believe that my T uses touch either (and for me, that's probably a good thing - I think I would find it confusing. Exploring touch in other, non-T relationships has been healing for me though.).

(((((((((( peaches ))))))))))

OH It makes me ache to read your posts. I so understand what you mean.

I don't know how long you have been in T but the "touch rule" that is today may not always be; perhaps your experiences are too close to your T's own childhood but others' are not, and by giving you hugs T would risk a trigger too; there may be lots of explanations.

your questions about therapy... my goodness you articulate them so well. I don't think I can respond that well. I can only speak for me. But I find myself sort of hunched over, hugging myself maybe to protect from more hurt, unable to trust, unable to see the good side, unable to explore life - it's like all my muscles are cramped up - and my experience of T is to stretch me (and yes it hurts) but later on when we come back to some of the things that hurt so much to stretch before, I find that I do stretch a little farther than before without hurting. To me that's a wonder, every time I discover it, and I am hopeful that in time I will be able to stand up, and live, as a whole person.

peaches 100

I can't help thinking that maybe you haven't found the right therapist for you. In some way you aren't getting what you need. Have you discussed this with your t? I think that the "no touch" rule varies from therapist to therapist where I am from. Mine did allow me a good-bye hug, but that was the only type of physical contact we ever had. I hope things get better for you and soon.

peaches, it sounds like part of your pain comes from the therapy relationship not meeting your expectations. Do you know how you came to the idea that the therapy relationship would meet your most painful unmet needs from childhood? Was it something your T told you he could provide? I know everyone's therapy is different but I never expected my T could meet all of my unfulfilled needs from childhood. Maybe some of them.... I guess I just came in with lower expectations.... With my first (not current) T, very early on she told me that she couldn't do it all (with her, I had the expectation I could go to therapy for one hour a week and she would help me deal with my issues, "shore me up", and would be my sole support). She told me I needed to seek outside support and relationships, share my pain with others in my life, etc. This was not what I wanted to hear! I just had a different idea of therapy than what she had, and I don't know where I got my idea. I think I would have been embarrassed/mortified to share any of the yuck in my life with friends, family, etc. I was externally too "strong." When I came to my current T, I think I had somewhat internalized the idea from the first T that I needed an outside support system and multiple ways of meeting my needs, even though I hadn't made much progress on doing that or even learned to identify or voice my needs. With the current T, I have learned how to have relationships by having one with him, and that allows me to build relationships more readily outside of therapy. Maybe it doesn't sound that satisfying.... I have gotten a lot from my T but never expected him to provide it all. Hence, no disappointment. Only joy at what we do have. Which is quite a bit and has so enriched my life.

I think this is a really key point--not about your T--but that you keep going over the same things over and over again. You sound stuck. Have you asked your T about that? My T used EMDR to help me get unstuck and he uses it frequently with clients bowed under enormous pain. Although we didn't take such a systematic approach, he has told me that with some clients he has them make a list of the 20 most painful things in their life and they do EMDR on them one at a time, starting with the most painful first. The EMDR allows the client to process the memories and pain and move on, so they don't keep coming back to the same things and the same pain. With 20 of the worst things cleared away, they can move on to more on the list or maybe now are sufficiently cleared to use other therapeutic techniques.

I'm not saying EMDR is a be all end all technique, and you did say it didn't help you. But I wonder that you have seen your current T for 10 years and are currently so stuck, that maybe you need a new approach, some new techniques, etc. I wonder what your T thinks about this place you are in and that she keeps hearing the same things over again. What does she do to try to help you past that place? Have you thought of doing mind-body work? That is an area of great promise and rising in use today. In some of the modalities, there is a lot of touch involved, and it can be very healing. It can be like combining talk therapy with physical touch. This is one type of such therapy:
http://www.rubenfeldsynergy.com/

Good luck to you. I hope you can find a path to greater healing.

Careful here Sunny.... you know it takes as long as it takes.....

peaches

Pegasus,

Thank you for the encouragement. As down as I get sometimes, I do notice that each time around the cycle, I seem able to tolerate a little more pain. I get to the "I've absolutely had it! I quit!!" stage, but once I calm down, I see that I've traveled farther and endured more than the time before. For some reason, as bad as I feel, I manage to continue on.

I know I need to find strength inside me, but it is hard. I've learned to do self-soothing activities and DBT skills, which do help some, but they don't seem to satisfy the part of me that feels like a traumatized child in danger. Most of the time, I am not aware of feeling that way. In normal day to day life, and even in therapy, as long as I can stay in my adult frame of mind, I do fine. I even give the appearance of being strong and having everything under control. It is only when I get triggered about my past and dissociate into a state where I feel like a child in crisis that the pain becomes too overwhelming to handle. It's at those times when I feel like I need t to rescue or physically comfort me. And when it does not happen, it feels like I have just re-lived my trauma from childhood. I end up feeling extremely depressed.

Then, once I regain my composure and am back to my adult frame of mind, I'm fine again and feel no need for comfort. I wonder why I buckled so much under pressure and feel that the next time I am triggered, there is no reason in the world why I should not be able to pull myself together without needing t to comfort me. . .until the next time that talking about traumas or working on them in therapy brings out that scared child side of me again. Then it happens all over again. It's weird.

Sannah,

Yes, there are some present-day issues we could work on and discuss. At times when I get overwhelmed by trauma work and disintegrate (as I am doing now), we usually stop the trauma work and do either DBT or CBT stuff. I'm able to tolerate that pretty well, as it doesn't involve discussing my traumas from childhood, and so I don't get triggered into a needy state. The only problem with doing CBT and DBT is that my deeper, most troubling issues are kind of bypassed and not talked about -- which leaves me feeling like we're only doing a band-aid fix, and not addressing the source of my issues. Still. . .I keep wondering if I am simply not "able" to tolerate trauma work, which is why I repeatedly get into a situation where I get too overwhelmed with pain, and then experience great needs that can't be fulfilled, which leads to disappointment and depression. I feel that despite learning coping skills, my personality, my constitution is perhaps too sensitive, and maybe trying to work on my traumas is just retraumatizing me further. My t is fine with doing CBT or DBT and avoiding trauma work, but her speciality is in trauma, and she sees addressing trauma as important and necessary for healing.

Notme,

Your explanation makes sense to me, and I've read similar things before. The difficulty seems to be that I am unable to tolerate the pain that is involved in acknowledging and working through those unmet needs, without tangible outside help from t to bear it. I am not sure how to fix this.

I know that things like understanding and validation are sources of help, and my t does do that. But it is almost like there is a part of me that when I get triggered cannot understand or take it in. It is as though at those times I need just what a child would need who was suffering or in danger -- someone to rescue them out of the bad situation and soothe them. I know I am an adult, and maybe this does not make sense. But it is exactly how it feels when it happens to me. Like, "It hurts too much. Help me! Help me! Take it away!" I don't actually say those words, but that is what I am saying in my head when the pain gets strong enough that it makes me dissociate.

My experience is some similar to yours, so that it is not just you! I can vary from being able to cope with difficulties, to being what seems like totally unable to deal with them, and when I am dissociated (not multiple) then it seems as though there is no help, because the supposed providers completely do not know how to deal with it.

Didn't mean to pressure only offer suggestions since it sounded like you feel stuck where you are at and want to move on. I do think different techniques can allow one to progress at different rates. I do understand it can be sloooooow going sometimes and very painful. Hope your T can help and you can find a way to move forward if you are ready. Good luck!

Peaches, what I did was take a current issue and then tie it back to only the past that is relevant for that issue (in order to problem solve it). This way I was staying solution focused so that you don't just get stuck in the past with no direction. Doing this gives you progress on things which improves your life. I'm not saying that trauma work is never needed though.

((Peaches))

I hear you loud and clear. AND the pain, the gut wrenching pain, surfaces within the context of present day issues (because that's how we're "supposed" to work it)--particularly when the trauma is complex. It's so so painful and frustrating. I am with you on this one. I've had my doubts recently as you know from my posts. The only thing I can tell you is that I have been able to give to my own kids so maybe I can learn to give to my own inner child, but so far I haven't been. I sometimes think I was better of un-integrated. YIKES

.......but this is a point, peaches, could you be addicted here?
....... I mean like the 'betrayal bond', wich has a ferocious energy. Because its like resurrecting the past trauma, and it goes:
'if only I could turn this one round, then I would have resolved the original, there would at least be reparation'.
And with a T. its even more intense, because you've got all the original stuff up and running.

And I think its right to want to resolve, its not wrong. Its only its the principles where the healing has to be rather than the specifics.
What are the principles, or dynamics in opperation here, do you think?

check out this quote:
"Where the mother’s libidinal investment is insufficient, that is, where there is neglect abuse, trauma, chronic misatunement, or persistent emotional pressure on a child to submit to a relational bargain primarily designed to serve the mother’s psychological needs as opposed to the child’s, a Disorder of the self will result what will manifest itself as a s stable diagnostic entity with............ " , a Therapists guide to the Personality Disorders, Masterson and Leiberman.

river

(((((((((((((((((((((((Peaches))))))))))))))))))))))

I hear you. I didn't even know I HAD that hole until I came to therapy...those unmet needs that could never be met. I had spent my life numbing myself in various ways, and sitting in therapy, I discovered those unmet needs and it gave me such a feeling of hopelessness - knowing I could never go back and be that child again and have those needs met, have someone to soothe me in my terror, be saved. It is a terrible feeling and a horrible realization.

It sounds like you know what you need....some sort of touch and comfort from your therapist. The fact that she gives this to other clients and not to you DOES have a sort of "blame the victim" feel to it. Have you told her this? I would talk to my T about this until I was blue in the face. My T believes that the client knows what she needs to heal, and listens carefully when I tell him what I need. If he doesn't hear me, I tell him again and again and again. He's totally missed it a few times, but if I persist, he hears me eventually.

(((((((((((((((((((((((peaches))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry you are in so much pain.

Sittingatwatersedge,

i had my therapy session yesterday, and we had a heart-to-heart talk about my desire/need for physical comfort. i do not think that she has held back from touch because of some link with her own childhood or because it triggers her. She told me that she has always picked up from me "ambivalence" when it comes to getting closer and/or connecting with her. She says that even though I've told her for a long time that i want to connect and need to feel securely attached with her, i will come a little closer, and then push her away. come closer. push away. Her concern is that there is a part of me that very much wants nurturing and safe touch because i never got that as a child. But there is another part of me that views it as dangerous, because as a child, my abuser both comforted and molested me. I guess she is correct, that there is a part of me that feels either fear or shame about getting physical comfort. but it is not because i'm afraid she would ever abuse or harm me. i think it's just an automatic reaction (like "fight or flight."). Over and over again, I feel desperate for comfort while I'm in pain, but i never come out and ask for it face to face. and sometimes when i think about getting that from her, i do feel a little ripple of fear.

the thing is, in order to heal, i think that i need to learn safe touch and comfort and un-link it in my mind with being hurt or abused. most of my traumas are all linked together and in some way connected with lack of nurturing vs. need for it, trust vs. betrayal of trust, comfort vs. abuse, etc. I know that for some people, they can do EMDR a few times and then bing*bang*boom, it seems to unlink and heal everything. but for some reason, the quick fix never works for me.

i have wondered why i feel such a huge need for physical comfort when i am triggered and seem to regress into my child state. Why don't coping skills or visualizations or logical explanations seem to fix me? The only thing i can come up with is that maybe my core issues took place when i was so young that the only way for them to be un-learned is to do it at the age level where the trauma happened. i know that sounds crazy, but it almost feels like a very, very old preverbal need. if i could actually *feel* physical comfort and learn it is safe, and over time i would learn to un-link it with fear or abuse, then it seems like i would finally heal. then again, maybe i am just crazy.

i really, really relate to what you said about being in t's office, hunkered down and trying to ward off the pain. . .but then learning that the experiences over time are "stretching" you. maybe part of the lesson we need to learn is that the pain -- even though it feels unendurable -- is actually tolerable and a way that we become stronger??

I apologize that it is taking me some time to reply to everyone. Your comments are so very appreciated!! More to come. . .

[quote=peaches100;913423]Sittingatwatersedge,
lack of nurturing vs. need for it, trust vs. betrayal of trust, comfort vs. abuse, etc. I know that for some people, they can do EMDR a few times and then bing*bang*boom, it seems to unlink and heal everything. but for some reason, the quick fix never works for me.

i have wondered why i feel such a huge need for physical comfort when i am triggered and seem to regress into my child state. Why don't coping skills or visualizations or logical explanations seem to fix me? The only thing i can come up with is that maybe my core issues took place when i was so young that the only way for them to be un-learned is to do it at the age level where the trauma happened. i know that sounds crazy, but it almost feels like a very, very old preverbal need. if i could actually *feel* physical comfort and learn it is safe, and over time i would learn to un-link it with fear or abuse, then it seems like i would finally heal. then again, maybe i am just crazy.

It doesnt seem that puzzling to me. We are wounded in relationship so we crave to heal in relationship.
Things with eye movements etc, doesnt approach that.

River,

I feel the same way. I don't know what it is but talking about the abuse in thereapy brings fear, maybe it's because I just starting talking about it. Yet, having my T there and just watching is very uncomfortable for me. I don't tell her that. We'll she does know that I don't like crying in front of people. Maybe is the little one in me during those times who wants comforting as well.

I don't have an ounce of nerve to ask for her to sit with me ect....well actually she couldn't lol we only have arm chairs.... but there are times that I want to ask her to sit near me ect.....yet, I fear asking after hearing people here saying their T's dont allow it. I don't think I could handle that rejection.

I often thought the same thing you mentioned, that perhaps lending those comforts and affections that were lost as a child would help someone feel safe the second time around, perhaps re-teaching that not all touch is unsafe and bad. Just my thoughts.

Peaches,
I am with you I really am. In those times, I desire touch ect to, at least I don't think it would scare me having someone safe do it. Then again, I haven't had that yet so I am not sure how I would respond the first couple times.

Hangingon

Remember it doesn't have to be all or nothing....like a big bear hug or no touch at all. T and I started by just touching fingertip to fingertip, leaning across the room. That was plenty for a while.

Bether,

I've asked myself the same question at times: do I have the right therapist for me?? She is a very good therapist and has been in clinical work for 20 years. Most of her work involves counseling persons with trauma issues surrounding chronic medical problems (she works in a respiratory hospital). But at times she has also had a private practice, where I'm sure she dealt with a breadth of problems including depression, anxiety, couples work, and so forth. She has told me before that when she first began working with me, she did not realize for awhile how deep my issues went.

Over the 10 years we've worked together, she has also questioned at times whether she has the skills and capability to help me resolve my issues. But she has always decided that she could, and she has taken additional training at times when she has needed to learn more (such as learning DBT, some CBT, etc., in addition to her EMDR and psychodynamic work).

I'm sure I'm a challenging (if not exhausting at times) patient. Had she known all my problems from the beginning, she may not have taken me as a patient (she didn't say that -- but it's my guess). But now that she has, she is very committed to sticking by me and helping me heal. She also knows that I'm attached to her (though insecurely), and I wouldn't want to go see somebody else. I think it would be really devastating for me at this point to terminate and not be able to see her anymore.