[imapatient]

Don't read if on shaky ground or easily triggered for harm.

I got back from NYC Thurs. I had a double session on Mon eve. And then a regular session Tues. morning with old old T. He's so good. Intellect and compassion.

But I feel horrible. Can't concentarte.

My friend was busy when I was there last-minute finishing some re-habbing of a house she's renting out starting last Wed. So I was mostly on my own. Not much "fun" had but at least I was out and in new environs. She sees the T, too, so it's interesting sharing notes, though I stopped seeing him 9 years ago when I moved away. So Mon was the first time I'd literally seen him in those years. Talked to him on the phone a couple of times. Will be doing T on the phone with him for the near-term till something else is settled.

He wants me to do day hospital, so I assented and signed a release for my pdoc to talk to him. We'll see how it goes: My temporary T from NYC working with my pdoc of 2 years that I want to dump yesterday working together.

Getting back, though, and the depression and tension are right back at my throat. The pain is more unbearable given that a miracle didn’t happen. I'm angry and hostile. In the wee hours about 24 hours ago I started researching how to buy something I'd need were I to...

I'm so bent out of shape; I've ripped some people's heads off this past 24 hours. I'm starting to have weird fantasies again. I'm still composing notes in my head to leave, or as letters/pleas for help to send to my old old T, her colleagues, APA, or others she consulted; to chastise APA in the name of the failures of the profession---we read about people having issues with their T terminating them here everyday where something is not kosher re: the behavior of the T. Imagine what goes on out there that we don't even know about.

I'm not close to doing “that thing” to myself because of my relationship with and what went on with my old old T. I'm close to doing it anyway, but the only thing stopping me from doing it right now is the hope that I can get some demonstration of caring about me, of acknowledging me as a worthy dignified person, of giving me some respect as a decent person rather than treating me like I was some sort of previously unrecognized serial killer/pedophile/cannibal. It's that hope that keeps me going. If I get some version of what I want, it doesn't mean I'll stick around, but if I don't, it's over. I can't even begin to tell you how horribly I've screwed up my life--and I don't mean just recently, I mean in general but my big fall from grace 10 years ago; the termination was 4 years ago. It’s just the last rung that I’m clinging on to. That’s where the extreme intensity, anxiety, and obsession---the fuel for all of it--with the old old T situation arises from. It’s the last chance; everything else has failed to keep me going. The possibility for getting "happy" closure and peace mind on that is the only thing I’m clinging to right now. It's not "about" old old T or termination, it's just come down to that as the last gasp in a life of more-and-more almost-last gasps.

Does it really have to be like this? Do I really have to do something stupid to get taken seriously and recognized and treated as a human being rather than as just a “client” as in APA’s ethics code (let's discuss that some day and the change in the 2002 version that dropped "abandonment" as a barrier to terminating patients) or my State Board’s rules? (and at that as human, but not, shall we say, around to enjoy it?) 1 person in the world has the power to change the status quo pronto. I’ve been trying to do it on my own for 4 years, I’ve reached out to others for help. I don’t see a happy ending. The entirety of the profession lacks the power to get 1 member of it to do something quite simple that might save my life, that maybe most of them would’ve done to begin with, or sometime since, 4 years ago. Even if it happens, it might all be for naught. But maybe the right butterfly in the right place will flap its right wing in the right way right now. I don't have plans to do anything to harm myself, and I don't have the means to do so right now, either.

I don't know, I might hate myself, or be ashamed, or something for writing this or be afraid that I never come back to read this thread. I do that sometimes when I really regret writing something in an on-line forum. I get overcome by negative emotions and run. Nothing is stable right now. I'm forcing myself to avoid posting in the rest of the forum b/c I don't trust myself right now to be responsible in what I say and I don't want to harm others.

(((((((((((((((((((((imapatient))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't know what to say, other than that you DO matter, and you ARE worthwhile and deserve to be happy.

Please give YOURSELF a chance, and go to the day program with an open mind and heart.

It hurts when a relationship ends and it is beyond our control and we don't get an explanation. I had this happen with a friend almost 20 years ago and it still haunts me from time to time. She actually even changed her name (not because of me!) so she has been impossible to find. I found her in a really strange, coincidental way on the internet just last night and it brought up that old pain. I know she will never give me an explanation, and it hurts. BUT - in the years since she has ended our friendship, I have gotten married, given birth to three sons, and have had a full and happy life.

Don't let one person undermine everything good that you are and everything good that you deserve.

Thinking of you...be safe...

[madisgram]

((((((((imapatient)))))))) i do hope you will return and read this thread. i couldn't agree with earth mama more. you are a person of value and worth. you are unique in this world we live in. please hang on...there can be wonderful things in your future. i know cause i have often felt like you in the past and by "sticking to it" i have the life i have now and it is beyond my imagination to describe.
i had to do some serious therapy work. going through the pain made me stronger. i came out the other side and discovered a whole new way of perceiving myself and others.
i lost my very, very, very best friend about 15 years ago. she gave up. i can't tell you how much i miss her. i was mad at first that she had left me. i was mad that she didn't reach out to me. we had always done that before. then i felt terrible sadness that she didn't wait for the good things awaiting her by getting help. i am sure there are people in your life right now, us for an example, that want you to continue to fight for your life and the peace of mind you deserve.
thank you for being willing to share these thoughts and feelings you have right now in this forum. it enables us to support you in your quest for getting better.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by imapatient

The entirety of the profession lacks the power to get 1 member of it to do something quite simple that might save my life...

This is NOT a criticism (he says honestly), but can you see how important this therapist is in your mind? You are in a way giving her a lot of power over you. It does not have to be this way... Understanding this kind of mechanism gives freedom and power to you, I think.

[Kiya]

"is the hope that I can get some demonstration of caring about me, of acknowledging me as a worthy dignified person, of giving me some respect as a decent person rather than treating me like I was some sort of previously unrecognized serial killer"

Not to further push you, insult you, or harm you... so please read with caring intent... unfortunately the only way *any* of us can get that caring is to give it to ourselves first. Only then does it really exist, others see it, and begin to demonstrate it to us. It is that whole "what you focus on, you create" thing.... pain in the *** really, but it is true. I also struggle with this (seeking for ppl who care about me rather than ignore me). the more i care about myself, the more ppl show up who care about me.

(((((((imp))))))) safe hugs for you

just hoping you're okay. there is always more grace.

[searchingmysoul]

(((((((imapatient)))))))

Also wanting to offer hugs and support.