[MissCharlotte]

I have had a hard time posting, feeling very triggered by many threads and unable to think of a thread either. I am sorry I have not been responsive.

This matches my feelings about therapy this week and last. Although T and I came to an understanding and talked through the most recent rupture over the holidays I am having a hard time shaking some things that were said by him in session. I have been very depressed and working through suicidal ideation. I am at a point where I am afraid to discuss this with him now. I am afraid he will think that I am just looking for attention. I am working very hard to combat this depression. I have increased my anti depressants and attended a women's group meeting today.

When I got to therapy on Thursday I felt glad to be there, but I just don't feel as close to T as I did. I am worried and don't know how to revive this relationship. Because part of our rupture surrounded phone calls, I am now afraid to call him even though we talked through the "rules" ad nauseum. A part of me feels like he has changed a bit but a part of me feels I have changed. I don't feel like my work is through by any stretch of the imagination but I feel sort of blah. Maybe it's emotional blunting from the anti depressants? Maybe it's depression? I don't know, I just don't know. I feel as though I am going through the motions. It all feels like a big silence in my head. One day I feel like I just won't ever say anything again.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Miss)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It is so scary to be in those times with T when the connection feels different...and it's so hard to unravel the "why" of it. Is it him? Is it me? Is it us? For me, it feels scary, like the connection might never come back in the same way. If it's any solace, it seems for me that when we reach that point, there is something we really need to work through, but we haven't figured out what it is yet....and once we finally explore enough and figure it out, the connection comes back, but deeper. Maybe this is one of those times for you.

There are also times when I just have to let something go....just drop it and move on. This is how we've moved through a time or two when he has hurt my feelings. Once he apologizes and we talk about it ad nauseam, the only thing to do is to move ahead.

I don't know if either of the above scenarios has any bearing on where you are at, but I know that sometimes when I hear other people's experiences, a (dim) lightbulb sometimes comes on in my own head and I start finding my way out of the darkness....

It sounds like you are working really hard. I really don't know anything about depression, because it's not one of my (many!) issues, but from the little bit I do know about it, I do wonder how much that is playing into how you are feeling. Do you think pdoc could help?? (assuming you have a pdoc...)

I SO know where you are on the phone call thing. That is a really touchy issue for me too, I can hardly bear to talk about it with T in therapy because it is so triggering for me....and it does make it hard to know when to call for help and when to just trudge through on my own. The most important thing though, Miss C, is that you are safe...and if you need a phone call to make sure you stay safe, then I hope you will call. What is important is how you are doing RIGHT NOW and how safe you are RIGHT NOW - not what was said in therapy a couple of days ago, or what might come up next week. Please be safe. Lots of people love you, including me

Keep posting if you can. Sometimes just getting things out, even if it doesn't make a ton of sense at first, can help. I know it helps me.

Thinking of you and sending many, many

[ECHOES]

((( MissC )))

I think the difficult times in therapy cause intense feelings that linger a while sometimes even after working through them.

What you describe sound familiar to me. For me, I went into therapy idealizing T and am moving toward a more reality based relationship with her and while it feels really good, it also feels like I'm losing something and that makes me feel sad. Whoever said I wanted to come down to earth anyway?!

I also think that, for me, the lack of intense feelings and moods feel like an emptiness. I've often wondered if it feels that way to others, and I wonder what it feels like for those without BPD.

Sitting here with you, contemplating.

[searchingmysoul]

((((((((MissCharlotte)))))))

I wish I had a magic formula for how to put the spark and rightness back into your T relationship. Both earthmama and ECHOES had good takes on what might be helpful. I happen to be in a similar place as you so their words are helpful to me and put light on my situation.

For me, sometimes the emotional "numbness" comes from a place of needing to take a break and me not knowing how to let myself do that. I get so emotionally spiraled out that I can't reign myself back in. I think that my mind/emotions shut off to help give some distance from the intensity.

It sounds like you are needing to have time for you right now. I do hope you feel better soon.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( MissCharlotte ))))))))))))

I am sending you lots of hugs
It does sound like you are working really hard, I hope things start to get better, bouncing back from an at least perceived change can be hard for me it has always meant when it did bounce back my relationship with my T was even stronger I hope this is the case with your situation.

[MissCharlotte]

Thank you all. I think each comment made some sense.

EM, the idea of moving on is what I have been trying to do. I worry about T holding onto misconceptions (but that may be old stuff if you know what I mean). Thanks for reminding me.

Echoes, yes, letting go of the idealization and landing on the earth with a thud. T has said in the past that I am noticing his limitations. Hey move over, so we can share the swing.

I think part of this is noticing in him what I notice in myself and I am frustrated. Accepting myself is what I need to work on right now. I want T to be able to fix me the way I want to be able to fix my son. I get as upset and angry with his shortcoming as I do with my own.

Searching, yes, time for myself but not alone--with others. T said I am alone too much and he doesn't want me to isolate. I think he's right. I just don't know how to do this. Maybe I am isolating from him too? Don't know.

Gimmeice and EM, you both expressed the idea of the relationship being stronger after working through something--I hope this is the case.

Thank you all.

[coconut64]

MC....you don't like St Valentine's either?????

[pachyderm]

I have not found a perfect relationship with a T to be possible, so I try to work on things by myself, out of necessity. It makes me less dependent on therapy. I do use reading over a range of subjects as supplements to therapy or as self-help. If you have not found a perfect therapist there is still hope and life with discoveries by you, and not by someone else's efforts.

[Curiosus]

Just my twopenny worth:

I found I feel this way when I'm scared of the T, hiding something from them, which is usually out of fear. I can't say what's really on my mind, so I rebell talking at all and feel blah. The other day I said something, and T responded with a real harsh "how do you mean?" It was some major thing, so Ts response is valid, she wanted to be clear on this, making sure she heard me right. But I heard it as "don't you dare saying this again or else", and totally closed up, feeling punished and rejected. And didn't realize it at all, just been through two "blah" sessions.

Hope this helps...

[MissCharlotte]

Coco,

I LOVE Valentine's Day. Notice the ticker doesn't say "until it's OVER?" (Like the Christmas one did...)

It's all about the love right now!

Thank you Pachy and Curiousus for your thoughts. Yes, Pachy I realize there is more to it than what I can get from T and I think that is part of why I attended this group thingy yesterday.

I woke up this morning feeling a bit better and understanding more of my space right now. In my knowing, it is clear that when I get upset about certain interactions it is an unintegrated child self state. So, it is my 8 year old self who freaks out over phone calls. EM, the adult self would simply call if she needs to keep herself safe. The problem is that sometimes the adult is simply not around and this child self state is at the helm.

I have this fantasy that I will walk into therapy and say, "Listen, I have something to tell you." And then I will be so adult and will explain these marvelous insights I have had today.

Yeah, right until I walk in tomorrow and I am 8 or 10 or 12.......

[winterbaby]

I think therapy is about taking risks and sometimes doing things out of our comfort zone or reacting differently than what we might feel like doing (avoiding, etc.) It is a 'risk' to talk to him about how you are feeling. I think ADs do stunt us emotionally a little, I have times like that too where it's all 'I couldn't care less' sort of thinking. Maybe bring it up, see what he has to say. I know it's not always easy to do.