(I just threw a trigger on here because I'm not sure when to use them)

A friend of mine from AA just called, and a GOOD AA friend of mine died in his sleep last night. I am in shock. I honestly, truly can't wrap my mind around it. My inlaws are here and they don't know I am in AA so I am just avoiding them or acting okay when I am around them,...and then I have to go hide in my closet and cry some and then I come out and act okay again.

The person who called asked me to call some other friends, so I did and each time I said it: "john died" - it started to seem more real. But it still feels really surreal. I smoke one cigarette a week and I smoke it at my Monday AA meeting - he always waited for me and the two of us would stand outside and I would tell him about therapy and he would make me laugh. We had similar histories and a special connection. I am SHAKING.

I am trying to use my compartmentalization skills from childhood to get through this time while my inlaws are here but it feels like crap. Maybe I'll switch into another self who can deal with this.

I am so sad

I called and left a message with T and asked if he would call me, but I don't expect to hear from him tonight. It's okay - I told him it's okay and it is.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I guess nothing.

[nowheretorun]

receive hugs?

you can not be responsible for this imo but you are thinking that you might be and so now you must calm the irrational thoughts and find grounding in real truths like the earth is solid and gravity works and your belief systems do not create negative consequences... putting positivity in gets positivity out.. know this will pass

[ECHOES]

((( earthmama ))) I'm so sorry you lost your friend.

Do you think you could share with your in-laws that you are feeling very sad after receiving news that a friend has died and not mention AA? They don't need to know any details. You deserve to feel free to feel what you feel and not feel a need to hide it or stuff it. You can still grieve in private, but it might make you feel better if you felt free to seek the privacy you wish, having already explained what is happening.

[Luce]

Earthmama... I am so sorry for your loss.

I agree with Echoes - is it not possible to tell them that your friend died? You do NOT have to share anything with them that you don't want to, but you would no longer have to hide your distress from them. If they ask questions, it is entirely okay to say something like "I don't feel up to talking about it, but it means a lot to me that you understand why I feel so emotional today."

No need to compartmentalize. You can be true to you, and real with them, even without disclosing details.

Hope you find the best way to get you through this sad time, EM.

This is so stupid but I won't know where to tell them I know him from.

My brain just can't figure it out.

[phoenix7]

just say he was a good friend - im so sorry Earthmama somtimes when we connect with someone there is shock when they are suddenly gone - that is what you are feeling - you need support - tell them and let your sadness have a voice - I am so sorry

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by earthmama

This is so stupid but I won't know where to tell them I know him from.

My brain just can't figure it out.

((((((((((EM))))))))))

I am so sorry about John.

Just tell your in-laws, John is a friend from work, or your bookclub, or your yoga class, It doesn't matter. They probably won't even ask that, anyway. But I agree, it is so hard to try to hold in your sadness and pretend nothing has happened. Can you tell your H so he can take over the socializing/hosting duties for you and you can excuse yourself from the gathering?

[MissCharlotte]

((earthmama))

I am so so so so sorry. Maybe excusing yourself is a good idea. Can you get out and get together with the other friend who called you? Maybe for a cup of coffee? It might help to be able to talk about it.

Compartmentalizing isn't all bad. It helps us cope.

Take care. I am sending you positive vibes and healing thoughts.

I am not okay. I think I am going to be sick.

Everyone has good ideas, I can't do any of them.

I can't explain. I can't do it. I can't think. I need help. I'm sorry.

[nowheretorun]

be safe for you EM, you will collect your thoughts soon, i am thinking of you

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by earthmama

I am so sad

I called and left a message with T and asked if he would call me, but I don't expect to hear from him tonight. It's okay - I told him it's okay and it is.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I guess nothing.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((EARTHY MAMA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think you should get together with some of your mutual AA friends tomorrow if possible. Things like this are not meant to be gone through alone.


---Sam

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by earthmama

This is so stupid but I won't know where to tell them I know him from.

My brain just can't figure it out.

From your social club. No more of an answer is necessary. If they pry it would be incredibly rude.

I think you should excuse yourself from the get-together, and I think your husband should help you right now until you can get together with mutual AA friends tomorrow.

[ECHOES]

You don't owe anyone any explanations, but if you wanted to tell them, you don't offer where you know him from. "An old friend." If they ask from where you wave off the inquiry and repeat, "An old friend."

Earthmama, I hope T calls you tonight.

[SpottedOwl]

((((((((((earthmama)))))))))

It's ok, no need to be sorry. Can you call someone from AA to talk to until T calls?

Try not to worry about making a decision. Just be with how you feel, and that will guide you.

Many hugs for you.

[internettie]

((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Do what is best for you. Be safe.

[hangingon]

Earthmama,
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. I really hope that somehow someway you will be able to talk to someone about this soon. You can keep talking here as well. We are here for you.
Sending safe hugs
Hangingon

[phoenix7]

Breathe Earthmama - in through the nose slowly - out through the mouth - I know its hard when you feel this way - we are all there with you in spirit - I wish we could be there in person - I hope you find a way to cope - calling your AA friends for a meeting sounds like a very good idea - then you can all share your feelings - please take care of you

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Earthmama)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Oh my goodness. What a terrible loss.
I wish I could be there to sit next to you and hold your hand and gie you a tissue.
Please find a way to take care of yourself.
Thinking of you.........

[pachyderm]

(((((Earthmama)))))

Confusion is natural when you are under this kind of stress.

[sittingatwatersedge]

[quote=earthmama;946503] I don't know what I'm supposed to do. /quote]

((((((((((((((( e m ))))))))))))))

you could say a prayer for the person, or if you can't do that, then say one for all those who have lost someone. in turning outside of yourself the grief is lessened.

I'm so sorry for your loss, dear earthmama.

[kittykins9]

Oh Earthmama,
I am so sorry to hear of your sad news. It is so difficult to deal with the death of a friend, and sometimes even harder when that death is totally unexpected.
I am just holding you in my thoughts and heart and sending you more virtual hugs than I can type.

I wish you all the best in this terrible grief, and I know that you will use this community to get the support you need.

Fondly,
Kkins

[searchingmysoul]

((((((((earthmama))))))))
thinking of you. take very good care of yourself.

[chaotic13]

EM I hope you are coping with the loss of your friend OK.

[Simcha]

((((((((((((((((((Earthy-Mama-San!)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Where are you Earthy? Are you okay?


six foot sam

[sunrise]

Earthmama, I'm thinking of you. Hope you are doing OK today.