I q-u-i-t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree with you Chaotic13 I think my motive is to open that door so that during my therapy I can feel more open since it is out on the table.
It will be difficult to walk in there next week, but I have to do it for me. Thanks

Chaotic, thank you for sharing your experience. (breathes a sigh of relief). It's I feel better knowing that that there are others who have similar experiences as it helps me to figure out how to approach this. I am sooo nervous to go back to see her. Thank goodness I don't go back until the fourth....phew! I definitely think I let my emotions take a lead in this one. I was kind of embarrassed when T answered the phone (I thought FOR SURE I would get the receptionist or even better the voicemail since I did call right around lunch---intentionally--so much for that). I will tell T she upset me, though I am a little scared---well A LOT. But she did apologize in the voicemail and said I had every right to say it upset me that she pushed the way she did......huh? I do?? that's what I was thinking LOL *sigh*.

((((Sannah))))---Im nervous

((((EM))))---Thanks!....again....Im nervous to go back now. I keep thinking she's going to be angry with me

(((Sitting)))--thanks! I don't know if that was courageous though LOL...I called with the intention of NOT speaking directly to her. My impulse was to hang up the phone after she said "oh this is T" *sigh*

((((Reflection)))--Thank you so much for letting me know that my current bumpy ride will hopefully be met with relatively smooth one once I get a tad older.....I am going to try to open up to her little by little....not much just a little...emphasis on little....this is actually one of reasons(from laundry list of reasons) I am in therapy.

Del12--I am sooooo glad I inspired you. It's terrifying to reveal yourself to someone, huh??? I think everyone here can attest to that. And I am so sorry that you had a horrible experience with your first T...As for that letter to T. I have given T some stuff of mine to read....scarey to know that T is going to read that and eventually you will have to talk about it??? I learned it the hard way. She still like to whip out those handy journal excerpts I gave her. I am tempted to asked for them back, but it'd be just my luck that she made a copy just in case...

Thanks everyone!

LLT

While I don't have much else to add except that you ARE very brave to reschedule...I just remembered that I used to call and cancel on my T all of the time for the first 6 months I was in therapy. It was a more ambilvelant sort of cancelling, but I would do it so much. She was so patient with me through all that...

Just know you are not alone.

Hi Lifelesstravelled,

we and I say we because there are a lot of us as you have seen - maybe WE are the majority and the others are the ones with the problmes LOL sorry warped sense of humour strikes again! you learn to put on a face - the Im ok and everything in the garden is beautiful face - you wear it for so long that you begin to believe it until the universe comes and trips you up and lets you know that that wasnt the real you - then what? the real you doesnt just come tripping up the garden path - its hidden beneath layers of pain - therapy helps us get through the pain - but therapy at times (a lot of the time!) in itself is painful....... why does it have to be so hard....I dont know...

getting into heavy stuff just before you leave is not a good idea - im glad you stuck to your guns about that - you have to look after you - and ending up on a difficult thing just before you leave.... well its just wrong!

Im glad you re-scheduled your appointment - and it was brave! but then you are!

What I found amazing about my major therapy disconnect last summer was how my T handled it. Although I wish she had called me before I when back, I thought I owed it to myself to have closure and dragged myself back. In hindsight this was important for ME to do for myself.

When is your appointment LLT? let us support you till then

Thanks P7--It's on the 4th of March. I am really scared though. I dont know why LOL. When I was sitting on the couch at my last appt. It almost felt like T was yelling me at or getting ready to. I could feel my insides start to shake. My heart started pounding....it was bananas! I know she wasn't yelling or getting ready to, she was just trying to push me, which I completely understand NOW, but I didnt when I was sitting in her office. I felt so small and walked out vowing to never go back. But even knowing she was just trying to push me and she wasn't at all trying to hurt me I am still scared to go back--which is ridiculous. I dont know what my problem is. But I have been working on the HW she has been assigning me since I started with her(that I have been procrastinating on)---I guess I feel like i need to some how "make up" for screwing up

its not ridiculous - this is tough stuff and you are brave for even steping into a therapists office - let alone talking when you are there - dont be so hard on yourself

Glad you are doing your HW - we must be related - procrastination is my middle name!

take care P7

Don't blame yourself! I did with my first T and it took some work to get over it. I am finding therapy is a process and sometimes there are break throughs and everything goes along as we think it should and then we hit a wall or a snag and we go backwards a bit. I think any good T knows this and probably expects there are ups and there are downs. Hang in there and do your homework because it will help not because you feel you screw-up. I'll be thinking of you.

I find that even though it may not be childhood all over again, if it feels enough like it, whatever the cause, it is frightening enough so that I hate the T for making it happen. Is this really necessary to happen in therapy?

I don't know if it's necessary - it just seems like it DOES happen. T always helps me unravel it when it does - to separate "now" from "then" - but it seems like the fact that it happens is just out of our control. ??

I agree. it's probably not necessary, but I don't think there is a way to avoid it. I think it's good that it happens in therapy so you know how to deal with it when/if it happens IRL.

Now I am going to have to go into T and explain what happened...I am sooo embarrassed I reacted like that. I am reallllly dreading going to see her. I just dont want her to feel bad that she made me feel that way.

I think your T will treat it as a learning experience and how good is it that you can discuss it with T - thats progress

LLLT, hang in there. One of two things will happen. Either you have a great session where you and your T collaborate and adjust how therapy is done from here on out. Or..you find yourself at an empass and you'll know for sure that you don't want to continue with this T. Both outcomes are positive. The first you get to continue to work through your issues with someone who is willing to work WITH you. The second, you will have closure. You won't be left wondering...did I really give T a chance, did I run, bah...bah...bah..

Like P7 said we can help ya hang in there until the 4th.

What is this reminding you of from your past?

Feeling small is another way to describe feeling powerless. We felt powerless when we were children (because we were!). I think that working through this with your T will be an opportunity to empower yourself!

Now why do you feel that you screwed up??????????

You don't want her to feel bad? Who is the client here?

Yes! When this stuff comes out in therapy we have an opportunity to work on it. Working on it will resolve it..........

And maybe why people fight it??????? It is up to the therapist to make it safe though and to help the client with this so that they can feel in control and empowered and safe.

That's just the critical point.

Hi Sannah.

I feel like I am doing this whole therapy thing wrong or Im not pushing myself as hard as T wants me to/I have been procrastinating/completely unable to open up to her and now i think she's probably frustrated with me. I haven't made any real progress...granted I have only been in therapy since mid-end October, but still...I feel like she thinks something should've changed/improved by now and it hasn't...I haven't. I always feel soo panicky if I don't do things right the first time and then scurry to make up for messing up in the hopes that they will look past the initial screw up? ...

As far as not wanting T to feel bad: i understand i am the client, but I dont want her to feel bad that she made me feel extremely panicky or that I thought she was getting ready to yell at me. I dont want her to feel like she has to tip toe around me so as not to make me feel like my legs are dangling off the couch again. I would actually prefer it that she didn't tip toe around me.

Something you did as a child to cope with your situation?

Have you ever noticed her tiptoeing?

Many of us here grew up meeting the needs of others while our needs were neglected. Do you think that you might still be in this mode of taking care of her needs over your own? We all had to learn to break this cycle..........

yep, im seeing my? a ? dunno - seeing a pdoc for the 2nd time next week and i have to tell her that somthing she said triggered me - see I have been working on that - not saying SHE triggered me but that a WORD triggered me - have been thinking a lot about that so that she doesnt have to tip toe around me either - and doesnt feel bad for setting me off - not that I really think she would - I think she would see it as a doorway opening to something rather than closing.

I cycle through the "I should be better than this" and "why cant i just get it right and be fixed/healed" thoughts - I try to remember it takes as long as it takes and I am doing the best I can - I think you are doing the best you can too - take care

Well I had my session and my T apprecited my letter and we had a much better session. I felt more comfortable knowing my t knew some of my thoughts I was unable to voice before. I didn't feel that wall go up and my T was able to guide me through the session without me having to stumble through what I was thinking. I was tired but felt good when I left. Thanks for your support.

that is really great - well done!

(((((((((((((((del12)))))))))))))))))))))))

Tired but good is a good way to leave therapy. I'm so glad you had a good session