hope

I had an extra session with T today. Amazingly, everything fell into place so I could go.

He always sits with me on the couch but I had him sit in his chair (which he then pulled closer to the couch ). I was afraid of his anger, and I was so ashamed and I didn't want him to have to be near me.

Sitting there with him, I could see he wasn't angry or judgmental about what happened yesterday. He was concerned because he doesn't want me to be in pain, but he UNDERSTOOD. That was big.

We talked a lot about my Complex PTSD/DID. We both go back and forth on "labeling" what is going on. On the one had, knowing that I have DID and complex PTSD makes me feel BETTER because I'm not just "crazy", there is an explanation for what is going on. On the other hand, I know he wants to just see me as "earthmama",and I want that TOO. It's a balance we have to strike.

I got lonely and he came and sat with me. I told him about the noise in my head and who was wanting to be heard. We decided to give her a little bit of what she needed. I was scared that she wouldn't go away, and he explained gently to her that we could meet her needs a little and then she would have to let earthmama be in charge and we wouldn't forget about her she could come back. So I REALLY let little me be there and it was okay.

I told him on a phone message that I am scared now that all of these parts of me are going to be lining up to get THEIR needs met...in fact, when he invited little me so openly into the room, I could feel a lot of "what about ME" in my head. He left me a message and said he got that that was scary for me...but that we would just move SLOWLY and it would be okay.

It feels like a turning point in my therapy, for sure. Maybe this is the first step towards the dissociation lessening....just accepting who is there and letting them have what they need. It's a scary thought for a lot of reasons, but hopeful too, I guess. Ha - when I started this thread it seemed hopeful, but now it seems scary. I guess it's both.

I just know I can't have another afternoon like yesterday...and I guess if this is what it takes, we'll have to move through it.

At least the littlest part of me left feeling really good

Whew. Therapy!

"noise in my head and who was wanting to be heard"

I don't feel I have alters, but this is still perhaps similar to some of my experiences where a bunch of people or thoughts are bombarding me with arguments, comments, etc. A bit schizophrenic. All these things are related, in spite of professionals wanting to claim they are not. Somehow they relate to how the 'self" gets created and/or developed.

((((((((earthmama))))))))

I continue to admire your bravery!

You and T have such a interactive, sharing, attuned relationship. I'm glad you had the extra appointment. I hope you can stay safe tonight. I think it's wonderful that you have hope...

((((((((((((((((((MB)))))))))))))))))))))) so glad you met with T today. I hope you're feeling better.

what a good session, Im glad you went and glad little E got to have a say too - your T sounds very caring -im glad you have him to help you through this

I found this very touching. What a wonder T you have, Earthmama. Did you tell him you were lonely? Or did he just sense that and come on over?

I have felt a lot of things in therapy, but I don't think I've ever felt loneliness while there. I wonder what my T would do if I said that? I'm not sure I could admit to being lonely, even to T. Even to myself. I think your honesty with yourself is amazing EM.

(((((((EM))))))))

I'm glad you're feeling a little better and that your T is there to support you.

.

((((((((((((((((((((EARTHY)))))))))))))))))))))))



-sam

I'm glad that you were able to make that connection.

(((((((((( earth mama ))))))))))

I yelled "YES!!" several times while reading your post. this is happy news, dear em. you are doing great and you have a wonderful T also!

I told him I was lonely, and he came over and sat with me. And then I was less lonely

Believe it or not, I see T AGAIN today. Three days in a ROW. We decided yesterday to keep today's appointment, even though we had scheduled an extra one yesterday. Hopefully, it will get me on even more solid ground,which would feel so, so awesome....

(((((((((((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))))))))))))))

((EM))) you and all here are an inspiration to me

Sounds like it was meant to be. At the beginning of the week you were fearful that you wouldn't get ANY T appointments, and now you have 3.
I think Someone Somewhere in the Universe is looking out for you, dear EM.

You are right - it IS both. Hope and fear can exist at the same time - kind of like the gray area your T tells you about. I know it is hard to be in the gray area, but try to remember that T is with you there and will keep you safe and help you through this......and I think there are a lot of people on PC that love you and will be with you in the gray too. (incl. me!)

I'm so glad you are feeling better.

Wow, EM, it seems like the hurricane has passed and you have come to peace with yourself. This is wonderful! I am so happy for you! You will work through this EM. If anyone on this planet can work through therapy you can!