[MissCharlotte]

I lost most memories from my childhood, through dissociation. I have no memories at all of any of my teachers from 2nd through 6th grade, and very few from my home then.

Today I told T I was horrified at the thought that I would harm myself, although the part of me who cuts feels like a different person from the one who was sitting there talking to T. Then we looked at each other and I began to cry. (Yay! I am NOT a zombie). Two big ole fat tears rolled down my face. Whew.

But I realized when I got home that I DO HAVE MEMORIES. My memories are all of these feelings I am bringing with me each time I go to therapy. All of the ruptures, all the tears, all the hurt. THOSE ARE MY MEMORIES.

As sad as they are, at least I have something

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Miss C)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are working so hard, and having such big insights.

Be extra gentle with you tonight

[ECHOES]

((((MissC)))

You're memories are about the important part--what your childhood felt like.

I told T tonight that I worry because I don't remember and I'm afraid I never will. Lately though I remember my childhood through others, that is I remember I was 5 when my brother left home, 7 when he married, 8 when he had his first child, 12 when my other brother married, etc. So maybe it's a start? And I wondered if it bugged T that I don't remember or if something's wrong with me (geez maybe I need therapy, huh). On top of that, it's the 2 year mark. She said she isn't bothered by it at all and it will come when I am ready.

I've also had sessions where I just cry. No words, just quiet sobbing. I apologized during one of those sessions and she said "It's okay. It's what is there right now. You might need to do this sometimes, you might need to do this for a long time." It is the preverbal memories, I think. I think when we had too much to deal with and no one to talk to, that is how our memories manifested themselves.

You know, I've realized recently that the things I think I *remember* from my childhood are things that there are pictures of. So do I remember them, or do I just think I do because I've seen the photos so many times? There's a lot of blank space between those photos.

[MissCharlotte]

(((echoes)))

You're memories are about the important part--what your childhood felt like.

YES! That's why I got so excited. It is one thing to read something in the literature or hear it from someone and quite another to "know" it. Tonight I just knew it.

(((earthmama)))

do I just think I do because I've seen the photos so many times? There's a lot of blank space between those photos.

I think you will know the memories because they will have feeling attached to them.

Tonight when I told T I was horrified at the thought of hurting myself, he said "good, because it's not dissociating."

[bluenarciss]

I think this is a good and wonderful development! I do not have access to conscious memories about what damaged and hurt me, and I would really like to have them, but they are blocked and shut away somewhere deep within.

When tears come, mourning is possible, and in my case that would mean that recovery could begin.

That's why I am glad to read what you wrote. Mourning feels very similar to actual suffering, but I think there is a very important difference: Mourning is like a completion of the right and natural emotional response to whatever happened. It is coming after or long after the original incident, but it is like cleaning up the rests. The greek word of katharsis indicates that. Something like a purification of a wound. And when it's clean, it can begin to heal without new inflammations.

So I think this is something you can really be proud of and happy with!

bluenarciss

[lifelesstraveled]

(((MissC))))
That's great progress!

And, i never looked it my feelings as being memories. Thanks for that insight! I was horrified and embarrassed when at my intake with T I could barely come up with any memories before the age of 9 or 10. The only thing I was able to tell her was a 3-5 things and that I had this constant fear in me.

Thank you for putting a little wrinkle in my brain today

[peaches100]

(((Miss Charlotte)))

I have very few memories from childhood also. Of the memories I do have, I always think that they "aren't that bad," so why do I have so much pain trapped inside me? I think alot of it must be similar to what you experience: the pain is there, even if we have somehow lost the stories that went with the pain. But the important thing is feeling the feelings and healing from the pain, not necessarily why the pain is there.

[sunrise]

My T will often say, to stretch me back in time, "when have you felt this way before?" It is often easier to remember the events if I start with the feeling.

Good work, MissC!