[ECHOES]

..why don't I just accept that and move on instead of this agony and frustration of thinking I can participate in therapy.
Sure I idealize, but real connections? Can't. I wonder if it is possible to be so hidden away from one's self and others that there is no going back.
I'm getting pretty tired of being so out of touch and closed up, pushing away and avoiding because it's all I know and because silence and holding back are my protection.
We have some good sessions, some very good sessions, but at the same level and my defenses are preventing the depth I desire. It seems like a vicious cycle and that there is no solution. I know, hopeless and helpless, my companions and part of the sabotaging of having what I want.
I don't know what the answer is. Just thinkin...

[phoenix7]

((((ECHOES))))

connecting is hard - therapy can help -

if you are having "some good sessions" then you are participating - if you are participating there is hope for trust to develop - when trust comes sometmes a deeper level of therapy can be found - I have trouble with letting my shields down - I trust my T more than I trust...... dunno - but my shields are still in place - I show her drawings and things ive written to let her in to the deeper darkness within - maybe you could try that?

I hope you find somthing that works for you

[MissCharlotte]

Okay Echoes--here goes. I read your post before dinner and now have digested both!

Somehow this feels like one of those true transitional moments in therapy where you have spiraled and now are ready to land on next level down. You have become keenly aware of the traits that have prevented you from a deeper intimacy thus far. This is a direct result of your hard work with T. And yet, you have been able to have some admittedly good or "great" sessions, so you are enticed by that experience. You justify the resistance by calling it sabotage of what you want. Then you can wrap it up in a nice package and put it away.

(((((((Echoes))))))

It's all part of the journey, eh?

[madisgram]

(((echoes))) sometimes when i feel stuck is right at the point i am getting ready to make progress. i know that sounds like a conlicting statement but it's true for me. i used to think i was on the "hot seat" as i called it and would batten down the hatches and get ready for the blow. i wouldn't budge...truth is i was hearing what my t said to me. i just didn't want to acknowledge it at the time. then i'd go home in a huff and ruminate on the point we were "discussing". it would take me a while sometimes to be willing to acknowledge what was said. in a way i do feel we are protecting ourselves because some of therapy can be downright painful but to get to the other side in our hearts we know we will do it...sometimes it just takes time to "peel away the layers of the onion'. please try to be kind to yourself. one day you will turn around and see that you have made progress and really know it!!! i'm sure you're t understands when a session is diffcult for you. i like to say progress, not perfection...cause none of us is perfect. hope this helps cause you are making progress even if you don't feel you are. if you still doubt that, you might want to talk this over in a session with your t and get his/her input.

[chaotic13]

I think what Miss C said makes sense. Often, I feel like I do that spiral down, land then realize I learned something in the process. Echoes, if you've had good sessions, then you ARE capable of connecting. You just have to continue to work on how to make these connections occur more often. When I first started therapy I honestly thought I had some brain disorder that prevented me from feeling things that others felt. I've since learned that I don't have a brain defect, I just have trouble allowing myself to use that part of my brain. Now ... I'm not good at it and still disconnect and still get mixed up interpreting social cues, etc... but I know it is possible.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( ECHOES )))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((Echoes)))))))))))))))))))))

Sometimes those painful moments are the moment before we make a big step forward in our healing. Perhaps this is one of those moments for you. In AA, we say "pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth".

Not that that makes it feel any better while we're going through it!

[lifelesstraveled]

((((echoes)))))

Connecting is soooo freaking hard AND scarey, isnt it?

I have started thinking to myself that maybe I am unable of connecting with people as well. BUT I am also hoping therapy will change that for me. I grew up in a very emotionally closed off, disconnected family, where I spent most of my time either in my room alone or at school. When I was in the third grade I used to daydream and wish my third grade teacher would take me home with her because she was so caring and sweet and patient and attentive and I wanted her to adopt me---she was the first glimpse of a world that I wanted but couldnt have.

I have had good sessions with T and I am HOPING that those good sessions and hopefully future ones will give me what i need to begin to allow myself to connect with people.

You mentioned that you have had some good sessions too, can you look at those good sessions as the stepping stones to connectedness?
Have you talked to your T about this? Maybe your T can show you a different way of looking at this. You have a desire to connect, but your fears are keeping you back (same as me), but don't lose site of that desire and want. Let it be what drives you. You desire to feel and have connectedness.

[bluenarciss]

Hello Echoes,

you sound impatient with yourself. There seems to be a strong inner conflict working right now of the kind "I don't want what I really want". Or of the kind "I really don't want (yet) what I want".

How can this be solved? Giving yourself simply more time is an option, but this requires of course patience and a wide time scale that is not always as wide as one would wish.

Pushing oneself will not do - at least it never did with me, because when I tried to force myself into something, I only even did more sophisticated escaping and sabotaging.

Trying again and again and looking what happens was my personal breakthrough method. I went into the situation that raised my internal conflict machinery, I did not avoid the confrontation with that, and I did so without expecting too much in order to minimize home-made pressure.

In the end, I don't know why and maybe never will, it just happened. It took time to get ready for that, and wanting it happen indicates that the time of solving the knot is near.

Good luck to you,
bluenarciss