[hangingon]

My T asked me tonight what I think of the word survivor. I said I don't like it. I said, I think as a child I only did what I had to, what choice did I have? Isn't that what we all do? She said no, not all people do.
I don't get that.

Do you consider yourself a survivor, or is this a word that you are uncomfortable with as well?

Hangingon

[Merlin]

I don't like to use the word survivor. I admit that it fits. I survived abuse, but I was also a victim of it. I use the word victim because I see no more shame in being a victim of sexual assault than any other assault. As a society we view those crimes as incredibly different but I think society's views make it so.

I too agree that as a child I did what I had to do and it's difficult or impossible to see it as something to be proud off. The other choice, while not unthinkable (I certainly did think it,) was something I couldn't choose.

[Luce]

I do not apply either of the terms 'victim' or 'survivor' to myself. I am me - no more, no less (well, apart from a bunch of internal hangers-on, aka 'alts'! ) But, neither a victim nor a survivor am I.

I am just a person living my life, and each thing that happened in that life is a part of my total story. I am more than the abusive acts I have experienced, and - basically - I refuse to give my abusers as much power as saying I had 'survived them' would.

I am not their 'victim'.
I am ME.

[deliquesce]

nice post, luce.

i dont think of myself as a survivor or a victim either. i think that to apply either to myself puts undue emphasis on that aspect of my life. i was also a good student, friend, daughter etc but don't label myself any of those things. being a good student has had a far greater impact on where i am now than being a victim/survivor ever did.

but that's all intellectual. i think before i even think all the above thoughts - just hearing those words applied to me, by someone like a T or a friend - it just makes my skin crawl. i don't know why.

[Mouse_]

Good question. I use to think of myself as a victim....but as I work through my issues and come to understand that no ones' life is "perfect", that everyone has at least one scar from childhood..yes perhaps I had a lot of "crap" in my life, perhaps more so than some and perhaps less so than some...I've come to look at it as something I wish to work through and detach from...thats not to say I will forget it, but its the judgements my mind makes on it that causes me the most torture, when I look at it like an observer I see just me....its just the way my life was....its part of who I become today.....someone that had certainly strenghts and weaknesses and used them often without knowing as I grew up...I think if we all look back we're see there are animal instints in us that got us through one way or another...we've all got them...so I surivied because thats what we do as humans, mostly...

[Behindthecouch]

I love Luce's reply - I'd love to think like this and one day I will but I'm still at the beginning of a looong process. Perhaps the term "survivor" is a good one to use in the interim.. somewhere between "victim" and "just me".

[peaches100]

I don't think of myself as a survivor because I don't think what I've been through is bad enough to consider myself a survivor. I think of myself as a victim regarding SA because I was an unsuspecting child who was taken advantage of. But I don't think I'm a victim regarding my childhood traumas and emotional neglect. I don't think that my parents ever purposely set out to hurt me, so I don't think of them as abusive or myself as a victim. I just think that I was an extremely sensitive child who was easily affected by negative events. I also think my parents did not know how to really be parents. They did not know how to give me the affection, attention, protection, and help I needed in life to grow up and be healthy.

i love that post too.

yes i am a survivor. they tried their damndest to kill me...in so many ways. but they couldn't. i wouldn't let them. i made a vow to myself. i would be STRONG and i would FIGHT. as a 4 year old.

the rapes, the beatings, the being sold, the hanging, all of it...and there was so much more...it hurt every cell of my and soul. but they didn't win.

i could very have died. sometimes when things got to be too much i tried to be dead...but that was different...it was death on MY terms...on my hand...not theirs.

strength is essential to me...not just physical but mental. it is what kept me alive thru all those years (47 to be exact). it is what got me to college when they said they would kill me (i managed to find a way to get a full ride as a jock) because i was " too ugly to get married and produce children so i would be a drain on society so they should just kill emwhen i was 18." did i doubt them? hell no.

now i may have been an overweight woman with major health issues who couldn';t have run more than 4 steps but inside i was a strong warrior. an image in my mind? yup...but it worked for me.

until this past year when i ended up overmedicated and lost control of my life. too many prescriptions and i lost most of the memory between december and august...fell got a blood clot, hurt my shoulder, ended up hosptialized, major drug side effects, etc...it was hell. i lost all sense of strong.

then i was a victim of mental illness and of abuse...

in december with the urging my of t i found a cheap gym to join. oh god it was so great becoming strong again. i go every day...work out like the crazy person i am. i can see my muscles beginning to gain form. i can see my spirit growing also. imy mental health has improved tremendously (at least now when i threaten my pdoc that i'll hurt him if he changes my meds maybe now he might actually be afraid as opposed to just laughing like before)

now i am strong once again. and yes i am bcak to being a survivor. and usually when asked i say i am a RAPE survivor and then say an abuse survivor because i want people to be aware that the horrors of childhood abuse are real and not to be glossed over.

stumpy
(feeling proud but who has got to stop listening to her rocky soundtrack before bed because she never gets to sleep that way!)

[SpottedOwl]

Great question!

I agree with Luce.
I prefer to think of myself as a thriver!

If I call myself a survivor I define myself by actions of others. Yes, I did survive those horrible experiences, but it does not define WHO I AM.

Here's to everyone thriving!!!!

[Corine]

Originally Posted by SpottedOwl

Great question!

I agree with Luce.
I prefer to think of myself as a thriver!

If I call myself a survivor I define myself by actions of others. Yes, I did survive those horrible experiences, but it does not define WHO I AM.

Here's to everyone thriving!!!!

I do agree with you.. i'm a THRIVER!!!!!
back at you

[bluenarciss]

I can feel it working inside reading this thread. Tiredness is coming upon me in huge waves, but nevertheless I will speak out what came to my mind when reading the question.

For me, it was already a kind of success and an important step forward to become able to call myself openly a victim. This is simply the truth, because I had no chance to escape when it happened. I had no alternative but to endure. Thank god all this is long over, and so I find solace in the word "survivor" since it exactly describes that the threat and damaging is over.

But if I consider it well, there are many ways that these long gone experiences influence me still at present. I survived, but I survived damaged, I am not more the one I was before. I can live with that - more or at some days less, but I am still in need of recovery.

So, yes, I think it is appropriate to still label myself a survivor. I am not ashamed of that. And I don't think it is giving those who hurt me still power over me. It is not them that still influences me, it is what happened. I know that I am still vulnerable at points where I should not be, but today I can react and defend myself accordingly, since I am no longer in the total power of someone else.

But as long as I am not reliably really resilient I would not say that I am as if untouched. There is a difference and maybe there will be for a long time to come. I do not expect a miracle to happen that will make me whole and perfectly healthy again.

My aim is to reduce the painful effects of my history to a minimum. Since I learned that suffering is also a great teacher of life, I do not complain. Pain is my guide. It shows me where there still are wounds, and then I try to care for them. The rest is patience. And hope of course.

I think for me, there is a process....

I think I did start out feeling like a victim. T has helped me see myself as a survivor, at least in a couple of areas....I literally did what I had to do to SURVIVE, and somehow that feels more powerful than victim. So that feels better.

But I want all of the things that have happened to me to just be part of my life...so like others have said, I won't be a victim or a survivor....I'll just be "Me", with all of the good and bad experiences that go along with that.

[Merlin]

I guess I am "me," but I do not like to use the word survivor, like it was the holocaust, it was just another violent crime and I was a victim.

[chaotic13]

Can I be a pre-thriver? I don't like to be labeled by something someone did to me...but I don't consider where I am at the moment thriving.