[Tmac]

I am new to T and have only had 2 sessions so far and they have pretty much been all questions so far. I am assuming this week will be moving forward. My issue is I am not very trusting and have been honest so far with what I can remember. Well as far as what she has asked. There has not been anything I have volunteered so far b\c of the uneasiness I feel talking about me and my issues present and past not to mention my trust issue. My ability to be open is very limited. My fear is this week is always an over whelming time of the year being compounded by current issues. Tonight I started my first dose of an anti dep which I know will not fully kick in for several weeks. Which is also for GAD. So my issue is this weeks is anniversary of my cousins taking of his own life 16 years ago. The other day that is hard is the 23rd a day that should be happy for me since it is my birthday instead I am reminded of spending that day 16years ago at him memorial service. I also took the time to tell him I hated what he did and thought I would be able to let it g by telling him what I thought. My biggest issue is I am not good at practicing self care. So I find myself speaking to my aunt and supporting her since we are kind of close. See the hard part about self care is he was one of my abusers. So I find myself not being truthful when she says what a good guy he was and great son. There is no point in adding to her tourment and it will not change a thing since he is gone in telling what he did. My biggest issue is I have never talked about this with anyone and the T has a general idea about my past as far as immediate family. It is becoming obvious I am distressed as the date approaches people notice I am on the down slope of the depression. I cannnot avoid my aunt because she will know something is up since we talk al lot. My biggest issue I see is going to T one Wed. I am sure she will want to start talking about issues at this point. I do not trust her enough to think I could be able to talk to her about this however it is like I feel like I need to talk to someone instead of it eating at me. I also have not been able to trust enough to volenteer any personal info with out the questions. Being so new to the therapy process I am unsure how to handle this. I have talked to a few people and had some suggestions like writing her a note. Even that makes me uneasy. This is totally uncharted waters for me and I am unsure if I should try to test the waters to see if I can be open with her. My biggest thought is how I have been my entire life....AVOIDANCE! I want so badly to cancel but also know that would not be what is best for my therapy and healing. I have never been able to be vocal about nything before. She is very understandint thay I need to take it at my own pace and have it be under my control. I feel like if I push myself it will have negative repercussions. I do feel safe with her so far but am so unsure about trusting. I am curious if anyone has encountered a bad unhealthy issue beeding to talk about so early into therapy and how they would handle this. Think I am very afraid of breaking down or losing control. Again any suggestions would be appreciated.

[Luce]

Hi there... just a quickie reply for now.

Trust takes time. Loads of it. It's okay not to trust her yet, especially enough to share really painful stuff with her. I've been seeing a new T since early December, and although I feel safe enough to 'report' some things to her, I am nowhere near ready to go near the stuff I feel vulnerable with yet. It is going to take time.

You said you have some stuff going on right now that makes you feel vulnerable... I can understand why that makes it harder to see her. It seems like there's some internal conflict going on for you about that... you have emotional stuff right near the surface, but aren't feeling safe enough in the T relationship yet to deal with it with her. That IS a dilemma.

I had a similar situation come up for me early in the T relationship... what I did with it was, I took the feelings in there and shared a little bit about how I was feeling (nervous, triggered, scared), but did not go into the details about it with her. It was no way near wholly satisfactory, but it did enable me to be real in the room with her while still maintaining a safe emotional distance. In retrospect it was the best we could do at that time in the relationship, and it was okay.

The best advice I can give you... do not push yourself to share with her before you are ready. If you work on building the relationship and the connection with her, get to know her, let her get to know you etc, before you get into the hard stuff, it will feel much safer and more manageable. The relationship is so important... far more important than getting to the hard stuff ASAP. The hard stuff has been there for a long time and will wait just a tiny bit longer. When the time is right, you will feel it, and you will begin to share some of it with her, and she will have a better idea of how to support you.

Take care of you this week... I hope you find a way to make it safe for you to go to T.

[mightaswelllive]

I suggest going. If you get into the habit of canceling appointments this early in the relationship you will continue to tell yourself that it's ok. I have never canceled an appointment with T for avoidance issues and it has enabled me to get myself to some pretty rough sessions. If you are an avoider, and you know you are, don't avoid therapy. You are there to stop avoiding!

Going to the session may be the biggest step you can take next week. And that's ok! It means you're being proactive. If you're able to take another step, maybe tell her that this is a hard week but you're not ready to tell her why. Maybe instead you could have a conversation about why trusting her is hard for you. It may help set the tone for future sessions.

This is hard, but you can do this! She will support you through this rough week even if she doesn't understand why. She's there for you. Best wishes

(((((((((((((((TMac)))))))))))))))))))

I agree that it's best to go, because if you avoid going once, it will be easier to avoid going again, and before you know it, you might be avoiding therapy altogether!!

I did have something fairly significant happen early in my therapy relationship (like 2 months in) and I did bring it to T, even though it was hard, and tied into past stuff that we hadn't really talked about yet. He handled it well, and it helped build my trust in him.

But, if you are not ready to talk about the past, you don't have to. I am JUST NOW feeling safe enough to talk about childhood stuff, after 16 months of twice-a-week therapy (trust issues, anyone?! lol). We've talked about and worked through other trauma stuff, but the childhood stuff had to wait until now.

You will be ready when you are ready. If it is eating at you, maybe talking a little bit about it now will make you feel better. Or you can tell her you are feeling upset about something, but don't feel comfortable talking about it yet, and she can help you with your feelings.

There is NO timetable for therapy. Just because the the first two sessions are over, it doesn't mean you *have*to dive into all sorts of hard stuff. I understand feeling that way, because I did "report" all of my hard stuff to T early in therapy...I didn't understand therapy at all, and figured that was what I HAD to do. After all of that "reporting" we worked on the relationship for a LONG time before I was really able to do the emotional work around the (bits of) stories I had told him.

(((((((((((((((((((((TMac)))))))))))))))))))))))) Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Just go, and know that YOU are in charge of your therapy. You can tell her as much or as little as you want and need to.

[Beholden]

Tmac,

Good for you for going already. There is no hurry to talk with your T about stuff you can't bring yourself to talk about. The medicine you are taking will help you feel better in a few more weeks or so. It will help you too.

Come here and share with us for support and care. We do care about you. If avoiding is the natural path for you, then start practicing little baby steps toward helping yourself. Going to T. will be rewarding in the long run, even though right now you are very anxious about all of it.

Hang in there, you have people here who do care about what happens to you and we all want to see you grow and have a trusting relationship with your T. I had to imagine therapy as a process. Sort of like peeling an onion, all the old ugly dried up parts, the things you had no control over, are peeled away, to find the good stuff inside, the person you are meant to be, the person you have the right to be. There were times when it was uncomfortable for me. But I so wanted to feel better. So I started writing notes to my therapist. For one, it helped me to stay on topic, on the things that I really wanted to talk about, but it was very hard for me to just start talking about them while in his office.

He once told me I was more honest in my letters than I was in person, in his office. I guess I was afraid he would reject me or feel some negative thing about the "real me" if I actually said what I was feeling out loud to him. But he never did. He really understood me and believed in me and gave me hope that I'd survive all my "junk".

Take your owe time, but try very hard to keep going. You can do it! You've already proven that to yourself. And nothing bad happened, did it?

Take care of yourself this week and I'm glad you are here where you do talk about your issues.

[ECHOES]

One of the hardest things to do is to.. go anyway.
One of the most frightening things to do is to.... go anyway.
One of the most bravest things to do is to.... go anyway.
One of the most rewarding things to do is to... go anyway.

I suppose you get my point
Yes, go and state right out right away that you considered avoiding the ssssion and I suspect it will turn into a fulfilling and reassuring session.

Commit to going no matter what if you can.
Trust the process. Going to each session is part of the process so going even when you really really don't want to is important.

One of the most self-loving things to do... is to go anyway.