I posted something similar to this in the DID forum. I don't know where to post these days.

Ever since therapy yesterday, the stuff that was contained by 3 y/o me is spilling into my consciousness. I DON'T WANT IT. She split off for a reason.

I cried myself to sleep last night (haven't done that since I was actually 3) and woke up in the middle of the night with a nightmare I couldn't remember...had to get out of bed and regroup before I could go back to sleep.

I just KNEW if I started letting this stuff out in therapy, I wouldn't be able to tuck it back away. Now it's like....I have to keep going, I have to work THROUGH it, at least this part of it. No containment works. I'm stuck with her memories and her feelings. I have a call in to T, the kind where I ask for an actual call back where we talk, but I know it won't help.

I have T again on Thursday, and I know I should be grateful for that...that I don't have to sit with this until next week. But when every minute feels like an eternity, Thursday seems FAR AWAY.

I really, really, really need to see T and get more of this OUT OF MY HEAD. I tried journaling, but that just led to the crying myself to sleep.

I've tried to stay really busy today to distract myself, but the anxiety was still getting to me, so I took an extra klonopin which made me too sleepy to feel busy, but not knocked out enough to make the stuff in my head go away.

I'm really not sure what to do. Maybe I'll take the dog for a walk. I don't know.

[Miracle1986]

My head is still a mess.
All I can offer is a hug.

((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))

you're doing very hard work. it's no fun at all. maybe it's okay to just cry? i'm so sorry you're being flooded with such yucky stuff.

[phoenix7]

((((Earthmama))))

I hope you took your dog for a walk - I know getting out has helped you in the past - the fresh air sometimes blows away some of the distress - I am glad you posted here - let us support you while you are low

I hope T rings you back - and that things get a little easier for you - heck a I hope they get a WHOLE LOT EASIER for you

Accepting those memories is so hard (understatement of the year) dealing with the emotions that come with them is harder still but you have done such a good job of dealing with them, have come so far and done so much hard work you deserve a break

I hope you have found somthing to help lessen the pain you are in - take care - P7

[MissCharlotte]

(((((((((em))))))))))))

I really really really understand this. The pain of integration is excruciating.

Take gentle care.

[coconut64]

(((((((((((((((((((MB))))))))))))))))))))) From reading your posts, it's like you have started a very painful journey and now the only way out is through. You're so brave and are doing such great work. Just hang on for now and then one day all this hard work will bring you the peace you so much deserve. Sending you lots of

I think one of the reasons why I hold back is because I'm scared what you describe is going to happen to me. Every time we broach anything related my traumas, the panic gets worst, I get body pains, night terrors, flashbacks. So here I am telling you to go through it when I fight it.

[SpottedOwl]

((((earthmama))))

It sucks to have these flashbacks, but it is also joyous that the 3 yr old does not have to go through this all alone anymore.

I don't know if this will help, but when I feel that child inside of myself I try to imagine myself being the parent I never had. I will imagine myself giving her the hug that she needs, or singing her a lullaby...whatever I think might make that part of myself feel loved.

Just love yourself, earthmama, like you love your children everyday. The pain the 3 yr old has had to carry all these years is not her fault. She did the very best she could, and that is something to love and praise.

A big gigantic hug for the 3 yr old, and another for the adult you!

[lifelesstraveled]

((((EM))))

[mixedup_emotions]

I am just amazed that you are able to channel your 3 y/o self....I know what it's like to not want to wait til your next appt - not knowing what to DO, THINK, FEEL in the meantime....

((( HUGS )))

I hope Thursday comes by quick and that you're able to make solid progress....

Ria

[MINIME]

I am so sorry. I love u though and wish i could do something. get ur t to bring her a blanket u can take home that may comfort her when she is upset and buy you some peace.

[notz]

EM...