[mixedup_emotions]

I had my weekly T appt today, and initially, we were talking about group therapy. He said that I was courageous and that it resulted in a newfound respect for me by others. I was uncomfortable with the topic, so I quickly changed the subject.

In dealing with my husband and the issues surrounding his behavior lately....I raised a lot of the sexual deviances that bothered me....and then brought to light an incident in my past of SA.

I said things matter-of-factly, explaining emotions but not FEELING them. I just wanted to bring things to his attention so that I can understand why things are the way they are...why I am the way I am...and in order to do that, I felt that I needed to make him aware of the experience.

Ever since my appointment, I have felt nothing but regret and am very triggered. I always felt that my SA experience was "no big deal"....yet now, I feel all of these emotions that I don't want to feel. I have way too much on my plate right now to be handling more...a very messy separation with a husband who is mentally unstable....my boss is trying to get me fired....at a bad time considering I've taken on all the household bills, etc. and need every penny just to get by. Taking on all the responsibilities of maintaining the home, raising our child, working full time, etc. And now dealing with past SA??

I sent T the following e-mail a short time ago....and now I'm wondering if I'm going to regret that too.....

* * *

Dear T,

I feel as though I wish today's session never happened the way it did.

During our discussion, I felt as though certain things needed to be brought to the surface. I just wanted to be brave and say it - to "get it over with" - and not actually "feel" it. Now, I am mortified...all-of-a-sudden anxiety ridden....and have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's bad enough that I have such stressful and overwhelming challenges to face everywhere I turn in the "here and now". I guess I just don't want to have to deal with the past haunting me on top of it. Knowing that a certain situation could have made that much of a negative impact on my life disgusts me. I can't even look myself in the eye right now.

You mentioned something that was of concern to me - that not being able to remember certain things could be impactful. Should the fact that I remember so little about my childhood - up until around my teen years - be of concern?

These feelings suck.
MUE

* * *

I hate feeling like this. And add to that INSOMNIA every single stinkin night.....and exhaustion during the day. I feel like I'm well on my way down a crashing hill.....

[deliquesce]

, if ok.

you've been so brave recently.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

, if ok.

you've been so brave recently.

I welcome hugs!!

I am trying to be brave, but I feel awful about it. On the one hand, I feel like - if I don't bring things up, then how is my T to know how to help me? I need to make the most of my therapy, right?

On the other hand, I feel like I am pushing myself to face things that I don't want to face and am not ready to face.

[phoenix7]

its hard to talk about theses things and just as hard not to - either way they seem to leak out when we least expect them to if we leave them unattended.

I am sorry things are this difficult for you now - I hope your T can help you work through this

[mixedup_emotions]

My T responded to my e-mail saying, "Hang in there, MUE...it gets easier"....

I just broke down and cried.

I hate knowing that so much of my life has been directed by something of significance in the past - that I blew off - and now I am 34 years old and a mess.

(((((((((((((((((((((((mixed)))))))))))))))))))))))))

It's hard and scary after we tell. But T is right....it does get better, even though sometimes it gets worse first. T will help you...

[Xtree]

Therapy takes time, your T will will be there for you for as long as it needs to take. Do not rush it. It is important to work at your pace. Rushing into feeling and painful memories that you are not prepared for might not be a good thing. Baby steps ... one step at a time.

Xtree

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I hate knowing that so much of my life has been directed by something of significance in the past - that I blew off - and now I am 34 years old and a mess.

OMG... this is similar to what I have been going through. Your trying to do your best to engage in the therapy process so you feel compelled to mention something from the past that you thought was no big deal. THEN you realize holly crap... these events were a big deal and start seeing all of the collateral damage they've created through out your life. It makes me so sick to my stomach when I think about what I have subconsciously done to myself all these year because of things that happened when I was 8-11 years old.

(((mixedup))) hang in there. All you can do is shake your head and try to change things from here on out. ...Still a totally depressing realization.

[Christina86]

I'm glad you T responded to your email.

I said things matter-of-factly, explaining emotions but not FEELING them. I just wanted to bring things to his attention so that I can understand why things are the way they are...why I am the way I am...and in order to do that, I felt that I needed to make him aware of the experience.

I've done that sometimes with different T's. I've been told that you can rationally deal with something (in your head, intellectually) but that you don't deal with the emotional (feeling) side of things... that's so entirely what I do. It kinda sucks, you just want to get OVER and THROUGH the feelings NOW! I know things will work out when they're supposed to but it's still hard to sit with all the bad 'stuff' and emotions and triggers from past stuff!

During our discussion, I felt as though certain things needed to be brought to the surface. I just wanted to be brave and say it - to "get it over with" - and not actually "feel" it. Now, I am mortified...all-of-a-sudden anxiety ridden....and have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's bad enough that I have such stressful and overwhelming challenges to face everywhere I turn in the "here and now". I guess I just don't want to have to deal with the past haunting me on top of it. Knowing that a certain situation could have made that much of a negative impact on my life disgusts me. I can't even look myself in the eye right now.

I could have written that part myself... I told my T that I just wanted to get it "over and done with" actually. She then had to burst my bubble by explaining the healing process. Basically what needs to happen in a rough framework. I hated that it seems like it'll take forever to heal from an incidence of abuse.

So. Not. Fun.

((((((((mixedup_emotions)))))))))))))

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

My T responded to my e-mail saying, "Hang in there, MUE...it gets easier"....

I just broke down and cried.

I hate knowing that so much of my life has been directed by something of significance in the past - that I blew off - and now I am 34 years old and a mess.

I know what you are talking about and have often pondered the fact that I am who I am because of my past, that I wouldn't want to change who I am now so with this thought, does that mean I have to embrace my past? Its very confusing, but I think the answer lies somewhere in between teh 2, embracing who we are and accepting what brought us to this point.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

I know what you are talking about and have often pondered the fact that I am who I am because of my past, that I wouldn't want to change who I am now so with this thought, does that mean I have to embrace my past? Its very confusing, but I think the answer lies somewhere in between teh 2, embracing who we are and accepting what brought us to this point.

I wish I knew the answer to your question....and am afraid to find out...all at the same time.

[phoenix7]

as Mouse said - our past helps make us who we are - T can help you change the things you want/need to - its hard work - but its worth it - there is a light at the end of the tunnel - somtimes its so small you have to look really hard to find it - but its there.

Im glad T got back to you