[Mouse_]

This is what I do. I post in another forum where I have posted for a few yrs its a sobriety forum but most, oh get real mouse, ALL LOL!! are AA members and I am just about tolerated as I do not go to AA, but why do I still hang around someplace I have no real interest or respect for?? I think its because I like the power I feel I gain from escaping their "closed shop", I fear being "attacked" so much, that I create situations where I am "condemned" shall we say, because then I create the "Drama Triangle" I start of at the top and work my way around the how thing to finally becoming the "victim" that has to escape the abusers. This is a game I HAD to play as a child I had to be the one being tied up by robbers and then I would escape and the feeling of empowerment I derived from this was more than just normal triumph, it was my life and thats how it was, I had to escape my mothers chains, accept I think I have this family inside of me and I keep creating it on the outside and never really resolving it because thats not where its really going on, the echoes of my dysfunctional childhood is still living within me and I'm not sure how to escape that but feel this is now becoming more to the forefront as my need to get T to act in an abusive way and my need to feel empowered by then escaping from this is driving me up the wall, but the more T remains unresponsive to this request the more I am having to construct new ways of existing within myself and it feels very desperate and strange doing that,like looking into the abyss.

[phoenix7]

sounds a bit like things are escalating - have you discussed this with your T - can T give you ways to get around this? to get you out of this cycle?

You deserve more -

[Sannah]

Throw out the drama triangle? There are other ways to live..........

[peaches100]

(((((Mouse)))))

I also have a part of myself that wants my to hurt me or treat me badly. It sounds like you understand that the motive and urge are a replay of earlier childhood things that still remain unresolved for you. I also think my desire for this is somehow a repetition. However, I haven't reached the place of insight you have in understanding how it fits together with my past. It sounds like this desire for abuse, then escape, is a really powerful driving force. It could be very painful if you delve too far into this without t's help. Please be careful not to get overwhelmed with too much pain.

[Mouse_]

Thanks peaches, you seem to have a grasp of how "real" this issue for me is at the moment.

[Mouse_]

Felt angst all morning, looking for the confrontation. Left later than usual for T this morning really not feeling that terrible panic I normally feel if I think I am not going to get there on time, this time I guess I wanted control of that part of me that normally is terrified of missing even a second of my session. Funny thing is I got there on time still!

I walked in and Told T about my attempt to be late told her that I want someone to "do it", "bring it on", confront me. I want confrontation.

I explained to T about this sobriety site I frequent where mutual backslapping seems to be the order of the day. I apologized for what I felt would be just boring crap for her to hear about this, but she has such a way of feeding back to me.

We laughed a couple of times at the narcissistic attempts at force sympathy some do on their, about the guy that says he is serving god but forgets to mention that his being paid a wage for serving god and how I know exactly what would get me "included" into this "inner circle" of people but I refuse to sell my soul to the devil. T says your actually protesting your right not to become part of the lard!! Loved that!!! Yeah shes right. I told her some other things I've tried to say on this other site and how I get ignored and T says that she doesn't think anything I have told her would deserve that.

Of course I said but why do I stay there??? This is the million dollar question. WE got it down to repetition compulsion which I'd already concluded but we got more into what it is I am drawn to repeat, the abuse I suffered at the mouth of my mother and perhaps me trying to repeat it with these group of people is me still trying to make sense of it adn get it out of me and perhaps also a way of getting feelings seen, although much like my narcissistic mother she and they are unable to truly see.

T says did you ever "fit" in with these group of people?? I said, "nope I guess I've been trouble since day 1" T said "Good" !!! LOL!!!!

She then asked me how I was feeling now? I said, I feel better, I don't feel the need to confront anyone.

I explained about this place to a degree and said it doesn't have the same effect on me, she asked why I thought that was? I said because there are people on here that will engage in open honest debate and do not judge ones character or engage in mutual backslapping every day, though I suspect that too can be found here but theres a much wider selection of people here that come from different think camps and not only sworn allegiant to only one sch of thought.

I can breath again!!

[Xtree]

It is very difficult to switch gears. Swapping the need to be hurt or abused for the need to be loved and cared for. What does that feel like? Most of us are still wondering. I think it has a lot to do with self worth and getting in touch with feelings. This is an important conversation to have with your T.

Xtree

[Mouse_]

I think the important factor amongst all of this is that I talked about it and didn't just act it out. Didn't create a drama in therapy. This has only just dawned on me. I think change is just like this, we dont flick a switch and just simply let go of our issues, we begin to talk about them. Yeah I'm happy with that!

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

I think the important factor amongst all of this is that I talked about it and didn't just act it out. Didn't create a drama in therapy. This has only just dawned on me. I think change is just like this, we dont flick a switch and just simply let go of our issues, we begin to talk about them. Yeah I'm happy with that!

(((Mouse))) congrats on a good session - sounds like progress ! and I think the above says it all - you have great insight