[Mouse_]

I Feel I've been crazy now for a good two weeks or more. My session yesterday was very confused. I felt I wasn't doing this thing right, that T must be get tired of me keep going back to these what to me feel pointless childish moans unyet they take me over.

IT was one of those sessions where the tears are dripping but you make no effort to wipe them, it doesn't matter, nothing matters because the sense of hopelessness is to big.

I remember T saying at one point "what would help?" At the time I felt that was a nothing sort of statement, unyet its that that is staying with me. A part of me heard that and took it in. I think its the first Time T has said that, perhaps I just needed to hear that, and not need some bigger suggestion such as, would you like to come 3x or you can email me every day, all of these things I can do and T has offered, but this tiny "what would help" is almost like a part of me was being offered the chance to find something that would help. I can't explain why this felt like this, but its made me feel that yes, its down to me to find what would help me, what is it that I could do that would help me, instead of me constantly thinking that its only T that can stop me "crying", or perhaps I;m ready now to hear that " what would help?"

Today I feel for the first time a strong sense that this is my therapy, that though I keep ending up with these sessions where I've just gone over and over something for the hundreth time, this time I am more aware that I am actually closer to the pain, that these things have to be gone over and over to be expereinced deeper and deeper. The hopelessness has passed much quicker this time. I also saw how the fera of rejecting does run through every aspect of my life and normally when T says I'm afraid of rejection, I just sort of down play it, but I saw it.

Yesterday a friends daughter is being made redundant, my friend asked me if there were any jobs where I work. Just this sent me off on one of my neurotic dances. I couldnt explain it, I begun to get angry and making excuses up about this and that and I couldnt understand why this was effecting me so, then I saw it, having to ask at work was to me about being rejected, they may being laughing at me behind my back and they may see the horrible person I see myself to be and they won't want to give me an application form like they do for other members of staff that want jobs for friends and family, and they are going to REJECT ME! I couldnt believe my fear of rejection was involved with something like this. BUt it is its the life blood of my low self esteem. Once I saw it, I was able to calm myself down, see it for what it is, just asking if theres any jobs going and if there aren't and even if they didnt want to help me here, then they don't. The funny thing is, that they did want to help and told me to tell my friends daughter to come in for an interview. How bloody stupid is this fear of rejection, it really is insdius!

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

I couldnt believe my fear of rejection was involved with something like this. BUt it is its the life blood of my low self esteem. Once I saw it, I was able to calm myself down, see it for what it is

Yeah, when you can look at it and see it for what it is, it is less fearsome. That is what "mindfulness" is, I think -- looking at it and saying, yes, that's what is happening, I am fearing rejection again... that's all.

[Sannah]

Ahhh, now you are applying your lessons.......... the best and most helpful part..............

[searchingmysoul]

(((((Mouse)))))

Mouse I love reading your posts. The honesty of where you are at and the huge strides you make inspire me.

Be well today.

[Mouse_]

Patchy, Could it be B/W thinking becoming mindful thinking, who me? I think this what I want from therapy the very mostest!!

Searching, Thank you, I often feel uncomfortable wading in and giving advice to others, I can tend to get a bit carried away with advice giving and much perfer to just share my journey, some people will relate, and for others it will not feel right for them, but at least it is my reality where as my advice giving can sometimes be ego driven, dare I say,

Sannah, Yes I think so too!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Mouse_

I remember T saying at one point "what would help?"

It'a amazing how sometimes the littlest things can help. What a powerful question that turned out to be, and what change it helped provoke! Good going.

I hope your friend's daughter gets the job.

[Mouse_]

Following on from "what would help" I had a dream last night where someone was after me. There were lots of obsticles that I had to dive under and then I arrived in what I felt was the safety of other people, I remember sitting on a cozy sofa and the people I'd arrived at were happy and dancing and being merry and I had the option to remain in this comfortable place (the safety of someone else dealing with my fears) or carrying on with the obsticles and for some reason I knew I had to leave this comfortable place/zone and continue to get away from whom ever was after me. I reached the outside and knew I had done it, I had completely lost my persuers and not just put them of by protecing myself with the comfort zone and the hope that these other people will protect me. I think this is how it felt with T saying that sentence rather then her asking me what could she do, which perhaps she was meaning as well, but the "what would help" was like giving me the key to my own door rather then passing the key over for her to open the door!! Phew hope I dont dream anything as frantic and nerve wrecking again for the next few months LOL!! that was hard work, but hopefully it signals I am begining to beat my fears more independently now.