[sittingatwatersedge]

BTC's blog had a post about the pains of therapy,
and why in h-e-doublehockeysticks don't they tell you what to expect

yesterday I spotted an opportunity to voice this to my T, who from earliest days told me NOTHING about the process, and would get evasive when I would ask

Took my courage in my two hands and said, ya know, it is very scary not knowing anything about this process,;you gave me no outline of what to expect, zero information even when I asked for it, and I had to go out reading on my own (and some of the reading was probably not what I needed but how would I know that) - have a little pity wouldja, fearing the unknown is so much worse than knowing what's going on or how far the damage is likely to extend.

she actually got pretty cool with me, for T... maybe I damaged my precious UPR, I don;t know......i got a feeling that she didn't appreciate this line of feedback AT ALL.
She gave no apology, that's for sure; all she told me was that becoming able to tolerate the anxiety of not knowing what comes next is part of the healing process.

I've been thinking about this a lot. Not thrilled either. but at least I know, and it's worth something. bottom line, for you who are just starting, trust the process.................. and here is a for you.....

[mixedup_emotions]

WOW!! Good for you, for speaking up to T!!!!

The advice is very insightful, as scary as it sounds!

That's interesting, Sitting. I also went in pretty blind and had to read up a little on my own as things came up (I've found PC very helpful for this, and some of the Briere stuff). I've purposely not read too much because I didn't want to be second guessing everything she did, but it got to a point where I did need more explanation of why I was putting myself through this, what the point of it all was supposed to be. I think you give good advice.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

she actually got pretty cool with me, for T... maybe I damaged my precious UPR, I don;t know......i got a feeling that she didn't appreciate this line of feedback AT ALL.

Obviously, I wasn't there...but I've often thought my T is having some kind of negative reaction...and then when I ask her about it later, she says that wasn't what she was thinking at all. Maybe it's worth asking her if what you think she thought is what she really thought? I don't know. It's tricky, and I don't like it when I feel the UPR threatened either...but I try to remember that she is human...and she might have a personal reaction to something I say...but our whole relationship won't change just because of one little thing...that that's not how she operates (thank goodness).

Originally Posted by notme9

I also went in pretty blind and had to read up a little on my own as things came up

I did this too - I hated not knowing what to expect.

I ended up reading Yalom, and he is soooooooo warm and affectionate and reassuraing with many of his patients that I got super angry at T (this was early, early, early in therapy) and told him I just wanted to THROW the book at him. T loved it. Of course, at the time, I had no idea that my own T would end up being warm and affectionate and reassuring. We were just getting to know each other at that point.

I do agree that sometimes when I think T is upset, I am totally reading his reaction wrong. Or he IS upset, but not about what I think he's upset about. Ask, if you need to.

[searchingmysoul]

(((((((Sitting)))))))

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

she told me was that becoming able to tolerate the anxiety of not knowing what comes next is part of the healing process.

I've been thinking about this a lot. Not thrilled either. but at least I know, and it's worth something. bottom line, for you who are just starting, trust the process.................. and here is a for you.....

This strikes a cord with me. I guess I feel like my whole life has been tolerating the anxiety of not knowing what is going to come next...That next thing being something terrible or not. I had to tolerate that anxiety all of the time. So much so, that it is a part of my framework to tolerate anxiety....I suppose I feel like therapy also needs to be about tolerating consistency, and tolerating emotions that we were taught to stuff, and tolerating positive regard, and learning not to plan to the last minute detail for the next bomb that is going to hit or not.

I do fully believe that all of life is about trusting the process- therapy included.

I am glad you said it though. I don't think enough of us say how hard it is. And I don't think enough of our T's hear that.

Therapy is hard and tolerating ambiguity is hard.

[chaotic13]

This sounds like something I would tell someone...Hence a very good the reason I'm not a T.

Having said that I think one reason my T didn't tell me much about the overall process is because one of my issues I not dealing well is Grey areas of communication. Also I think, my T wanted ME to design my own experience.

sitting, i think it is good that you spoke up. i'm not sure i agree with your t that t's shouldn't tell their clients much about therapy if that's the general approach she takes. i tried therapy when i was younger for several years and with several ts and it just didn't work for me. it's only been from really understanding the process and searching out a specific type of t (psychodynamic) that therapy has helped me and even now it's slow progress and requires trial and error in the method. i think people are different so different people need different things. i don't have anxiety about the process but i did have a need to understand how therapy works so i could find one that was actually helpful and not a big waste of time, money, and much energy.

reading this forum has helped me so much, so a big thanks to everyone here.

[sunrise]

I think knowledge can't hurt and if it is reassuring to a client to have knowledge about therapy, then that should be something a therapist can tolerate. If a therapist is reluctant for the client to be informed, I wonder if it is something to do with the power dynamic? I do think there is a certain type of person who goes into clinical work who likes to be the more knowledgable one (certain MDs come to mind). I don't think most therapists suffer from this flaw, but probably some do. I also think it is up to the client to ask their T about therapy if they want more info that they don't have. The therapist can answer their questions, suggest some books or articles, etc.

I have not talked to my current T much at all about the therapeutic process because I just like to let it unfold. A big exception was EMDR. We spent at least a session if not more talking about the technique itself so I would know what to expect. I was in therapy for almost a year with my first T and never once asked anything about therapy or looked up anything in books or the Internet. If I had, I would probably have realized that her style of therapy (CBT) was not a good fit for me and I might have moved on more quickly. With my current T, something that drove me to learn more about therapy is that I became very attached to him very quickly and this quite freaked me out. I thought I was highly aberrant, but when I did some reading, I found that this strong attachment is not unusual and is a good predictor of success in therapy. So I was reassured! Where's the harm in that?

I personally think your T's statement about ambiguity was a fast way of backpedaling to protect her *ss. I don't disagree that learning to tolerate ambiguity is valuable, but I think she was just using this as an excuse in this case to cover her inadequate internal response to the thought of having a knowledgable client. Horrors!