[sunrise]

Today I had therapy. I'm back on the weekly plan and that is a good feeling. This is the 3rd week in a row I've seen T.

I wanted to share with T a phone conversation I had with my H last week. It seemed noteworthy and worth exploring. I felt good about the conversation while it was happening and when it was over. So while I was telling T about this, I got very sad and had to stop talking as the sadness came over me. I was impatient with myself and tried to push through it but couldn't. I came to share this good thing with T and instead it's more sadness and tears! I felt very frustrated. I kept trying to hold back and push through with no success. Finally I just gave in and covered my face and sobbed for a while. Argghh. Sometimes I lose patience with myself. I swear, before walking into T's office, I had no angst at all about this conversation with H. Then I start sharing it with T and suddenly uncover a whole new layer of sad. When is this going to end? Why didn't I know, at the time the phone call was happening, that I was sad? Why does it wait until T's office to come tumbling out? I know that T would say it's because I feel with safe with him in his office, that I feel safe feeling sad and crying with him. Yes, I understand that, but I feel it's becoming Pavlovian. Enter T's office, become sad, cry.

I was not patient at all with myself today. T was. I wanted to talk about other things. He encouraged me to cry. The bulk of the session went over to this sadness and the anticipated other topics gave up their place. I don't know if I am making progress or not. At one point I abruptedly lashed out at T, and said "why are we even doing this? why are we talking about this?!" I was just so frustrated with myself. He said, so you can get all your sadness out, so you can grieve, so you can heal.

I expect sadness to be done. T has experience with layers upon layers. I am scared to ask him, how long is this going to take? I think that's why he's increased me to meeting weekly again--lots more stuff coming up. If I were my T, I would be very bored with me by now. I'm bored with me.

He talked about doing another couples session.

He also shared again (last session too), about his own marriage, which I find helpful. We have some striking similarities in our marriages and their break-ups. It makes me feel a little better about my efforts because even T, with all his relationship skills, could not have success in his own (first) marriage. Sometimes, there is more to making a relationship work than just what oneself can do. That has been very hard for me to accept and understand. During the marriage I thought I had to make all the accommodations and changes in order for the marriage to work. I tried so hard and changed so many things, but in the end, this did not help. It didn't seem like my H tried anything, and for some reason, I had no expectation that he would. I viewed him as immutable, like a stone. And I was malleable, like clay. I have learned that in relationships, I expect nothing from the other person. It's a pattern that I want to break out of. So it is really helpful to hear some of T's story, because as an outsider looking in, I can see that T wasn't the only one who bore responsibility for the failure. It helps me understand that in my own marriage, each partner had responsibility too. It wasn't all my fault and all my responsibility to make it work.

Draining session. Nice hug on the way out.

((((((((((sunny)))))))))

yeah, i get tired of the layers as well. be gentle with yourself. as my old mentor, a t, used to say, "it's a process". she had to say that to me many times and i never liked hearing it but it does seem to be true.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((((((Sunrise))))))))))))))))))))

I also have a hard time being patient with myself and the process.
Kind of like ripping off a band-aid - I want it to be done quickly so the pain doesn't last too long!!!
But yes it is true that we all have layers upon layers of feelings, and I guess it just takes a while to get to the bottom. And maybe that is where true healing occurs....

It sounds like you are working very hard....try to be gentle with yourself and be extra kind to yourself. I'm glad T was patient with you and that you got a hug on the way out.

[mixedup_emotions]

I am glad that you were able to release that sadness and allow yourself to grieve. It seems as though you, subconsciously, were suppressing those feelings.

I am envious of those who get hugs from their T's....lucky!!!

[phoenix7]

I am envious of those who can get AND accept hugs from their T's

But I am sooo glad you managed to get your emotions out - what comes out is what needs to - Im glad you felt safe enough with your T to cry - I am glad that your T was so supportive of you

you are waaaay too hard on yourself - as are most of us you did good work -hard work and you should be proud that you managed the session - I am proud of you - you are far braver than I am - see if you can do one nice thing for yourself today and take care of you ok

[searchingmysoul]

(((((((Sunrise))))))) Thank you so much for sharing your sessions...

Originally Posted by sunrise

This is the 3rd week in a row I've seen T.

This is so nice! How did it happen that your T set the sessions? Just curious...

Originally Posted by sunrise

I wanted to share with T a phone conversation I had with my H last week. It seemed noteworthy and worth exploring. I felt good about the conversation while it was happening and when it was over. So while I was telling T about this, I got very sad and had to stop talking as the sadness came over me.
I expect sadness to be done. T has experience with layers upon layers. I am scared to ask him, how long is this going to take? I think that's why he's increased me to meeting weekly again--lots more stuff coming up. If I were my T, I would be very bored with me by now. I'm bored with me.

I can relate to how multiple emotions will come up. Often with my former T I would talk about an event and have an initial emotion about it and would find that other emotions would accompany it. For example I would find myself overwhelmed by both gratitude and profound loss at the same time- gratitude for feeling safe and getting help, loss for all of the ways my needs were not met in so many ways. Feelings and events are complicated and all the facets of the events lead to many different emotions.

Originally Posted by sunrise

He also shared again (last session too), about his own marriage, which I find helpful. We have some striking similarities in our marriages and their break-ups. It makes me feel a little better about my efforts because even T, with all his relationship skills, could not have success in his own (first) marriage.

I have found the use of self disclosure on the part of my T to be very helpful and healing. This is *I think* the part where it is the relationship that is the healer... At least for myself that has been true.

Originally Posted by sunrise

Draining session. Nice hug on the way out.

Sounds like a hug was definitely in order.

Take care...

[sunrise]

Thanks reflection, ktgirl, mixedup, phoenix, and searchingmysoul.

Originally Posted by phoenix7

But I am sooo glad you managed to get your emotions out

It wasn't like I had to force them out, ya know? It's like the opposite--they're just leaking out and coming at me when I don't want them. At this session, I tried to make them go away and they insisted on hogging the show. I do often have patience with them and let them have their time, but on this occasion I was feeling tired of it all, like "enough is enough", be done grieving already! I felt helpless because the sadness can make me speechless, and I sit there and can't talk because I am so sad. But I think there's no hurrying this process, as I think you have all tried to tell me. Ya just got to sit back for the long haul and not stress about how many layers there are, and if you're sad, then be sad. (Sunny, are you taking notes?)

Originally Posted by phoenix7

see if you can do one nice thing for yourself today and take care of you ok

Here is what I did for me today: I went to our legal meeting, we made lots of progress, and I think we are one meeting away from finishing this whole thing up!

[phoenix7]

sounds good take care

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by sunrise

This is the 3rd week in a row I've seen T.

I decreased my frequency of meetings beginning in January from weekly to every other week. I was feeling like I was doing well, my desire to have the weekly meetings seemed bound up in my enjoyment of T's company rather than just working on my life problems, and so I thought I should decrease. Not to mention that my income has taken a big hit due to my divorce, and I pay T 100% out of pocket. I had felt proud that I stuck to my every other week frequency all year so far. At the end of each session, T always asks me when I want to come in next, so it is up to me to set the frequency. But the last couple of weeks, at the end of my session, he has pulled out his appointment book as usual, and instead of asking when I want to come in next, he has said, "can you come in next Tuesday, at 10 am?" (or whatever). It's been great to have him do that, because if it were up to me, I probably wouldn't. About 6 weeks ago I did ask for a session only a week after, but he said he was all full. End of story, appointment book closes. I took that to mean he didn't think I should come every week, although he never said that, of course. It just feels good to have him take charge and ask me if I can come the following week. I feel like it means he knows I need him more right now, so he's scheduling me more frequently.

[phoenix7]

I think thats great that he recognises that you need to see him more and facilitates it by booking in the appointments - Im glad he is taking care of you and your needs - take care

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by sunrise

He also shared again (last session too), about his own marriage, which I find helpful. We have some striking similarities in our marriages and their break-ups. It makes me feel a little better about my efforts because even T, with all his relationship skills, could not have success in his own (first) marriage.

I really agree with this. I think self-disclosure from the therapist can be a very valuable healing tool. My T self discloses a lot, and I think this really fits with what he sees as his healing role. The first session we had together, he made the pronouncement, "I'm not a therapist, I'm a healer." And recently he commented to me about a time in his past, "and that was when I was getting into the healing arts." So I know there was a transition in his professional approach to be more on healing. Before that he was a therapist for quite a few years, so I guess he did therapy then but without so much of a healing emphasis (or perhaps without making healing the top priority). That is very interesting to me and I think I will ask him about it sometime. How was he different as a therapist before his emphasis on healing? I am glad I know him now, because I have really needed healing!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((sunny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are doing good, hard work.

How exciting that the legal meetings are almost over!!!!!

to you, my friend!

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I was impatient with myself and tried to push through it but couldn't.

What do you think your impatience was mainly about?

When I am impatience with myself a lot of times there is a lot behind it. Sometimes its simply because I feel like I am running out of time. Other times its a lot deeper than that.

Sometimes, there is more to making a relationship work than just what oneself can do.

Really owning this concept after everything you've put into trying to make things work...IDK seems like it would require a lot of grieving time. (((Sunny)))

I hope you can allow yourself however long it takes.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

What do you think your impatience was mainly about?

Just that I got sad at something I felt I shouldn't be sad about anymore. My thinking brain is ready to move beyond and not be hurt by this anymore, but my feeling brain still has crying to do. I thought this issue was all cried out, but I was wrong. Just eager to move on...

[chaotic13]

I get the eager to move on comment.I don't think you are stuck, sounds to me like you are flushing the negative emotions out and riding yourself of that negative infectious energy that builds up and causes collateral damage.

The reason I asked about your impatience is because...it comments seemed... different. IDK.

Sometimes when I get impatient and start attacking myself for things I should be over or should be able to do on my own, it's turns out I am trying to avoid or minimize something I don't want to deal with. It's good that you finally stopped fighting these feeling and let yourself vent some of the sadness. Obviously, some part of you wanted to be heard and comforted wheither the rest of you was ready to move on or not. Sunrise you've told me before how important it is to accept and care for all of those little inner beings. I think it was good that you let yourself go where you needed to go. Next week, maybe you will have a change to talk about the happy stuff.Now that I am talking my actual therapy sessions seem too dang short- ther is never enough time, is there?

When you made the comment about your therapy room being your crying room, I kind of thought...that might be a good thing. I was just thinking how we as mothers seem to always be under pressure to keep it together and keep the home functioning. Your T's office might be a place for you to remove the weight of that hat for an hour.

BTW...do you remeber posting about going to therapy and having your problems melt away? Feeling your Ts postive energy, problems and just soaking it up. Sometimes I think about all the different ways the therapy room just morphs into what we need...wheither we like it at the time or not. It really is an amazing place. Its and actual startrek hollodeck.