Saving Old Love Letters from the Ex

I've had this conversation with a few folks in person.......... and wanted to see how others felt about it in this forum.

Is it apporpriate for a significant other, married or not, but in a committed relationship, to save love letters and notes from a past lover? I mean specifically letters that talk of intimate moments shared and adoring type of letters.
It seems odd that a person would hang onto this if that relationship is long gone and over......and now in a new solid relationship...
seems very hurtful towards your partner to hang onto it.......

I find it incredibly insulting and look at it as emtional cheating, which is way more hurtful I feel, since the hurt person has no real proof, other than some letters. The unknown I guess.......I'm paranoid .....I feel about this......I want to believe it is for some old fond mememory, but it seems so wrong. And on top of this....I would be expected to disolve such tokens right down to furniture from a previous relaitonship......and I fully accept and agree with that...but what if the other person doesn't? Is it an indication of unfaithfulness? Especially if these items are hidden away in a box for safe keeping.
It is the same for old wedding bands and jewelry.....guys chime in if you read this.......how do you feel if your gal is wearing jewelry given by another as tokens or symbols of love?

Am I wrong to feel violated and cheated..especially if I now am the one giving jewelry and writting letters showing my affection etc. How would you feel to find out your signifcant other made a point to remember and keep these kinds of items.....secretly away....Im not saying out in the open for all to read.......??

I would of loved to of kept mine to remind me of my youth, however first hubby (fifteen years) didnt agree and out of respect for him I got rid of them.

Current hubby hmmmmm he would go off his head with jealousy and to be honest so would I .

I think it depends on the couple if they are both happy with that then great if not then get rid or cause hurt and upset to the other partner.

I believe it is commonplace for people to keep mementos. It helps people remember their past. I do not believe it is 'emotional cheating'. Emotional cheating would be choosing the object over the current significant other to fill a need.

I don't think anyone is wrong for feeling the way they do. I just think not all people are compatible.

I think everyone should have a right to keep stuff as long as they feel the want to. I keep a box of stuff from a 3 year relationship for a long time. It was my past. I didn't love him anymore, didn't want him back in my life but it was my past too. Vindication in some way that 'he' loved me @ one time or proof that someone loved me at one time. ~shrugs~
As long as your SO isn't getting them out and reading them all the time or looking over the memento's a lot it is perfectly normal to have a part of our past with us in our future.
It is up to each individual couple tho and whether they can deal and how important it is.
It was very important to me because at that age (I was 21) I felt my husband had the biggest reminder of his past...she was crawling around all over the place. I was raising his daughter, adopted her, love her & treat her like I gave birth...so my box should be insignifigant
Anyhoo thats just my 2 cents

I can go both ways in this type of situation. I don't think its right to keep something-expecially somthing that reminds that person of intimate moments with someone else other than their signifcant other. Mainly because this can cause their signifcant other pain. I for one wouldn't want to find love letters written by an ex stuffed away somewhere in my boyfriends belongings. Although, here is my other opinion in the matter. Lets say that this person had children with their ex; this changes the situation a little (in my opinion.) I think it would be alright to keep some letters and other belongings in order to share them with their child (Not intimate letters, just 'simple' letters.) Although, my over-all opinion since I do not have children, is that it isn't right for a person to keep letters such as this. I hope this helped, flyerfan24!

Thanks Reina!

Yes that is my general feeling on it..........letters and items that tell a story of the past especially for the benefit of children is certianly acceptable.....but it is the intimate one or things that I am refering to.
Thank you........

On a side note.........my guess is there arent many guys on this part of the forum. I would take a good guess that they would not appreciate their significant others doing this. And I dont think guys are really very much into saving things from their past....not the ones I know.

It is interesting to see the responses....and I do look forward to hearing more keep them coming everyone!

I'm a guy, though not necessarily a representative sample of guyhood.

This may be a bit of a tangent but for some reason, flyerfan24's questions happened to remind me first of a former girlfriend who sometimes kept a journal -- the old-fashioned notebook kind, not on a computer. I have no idea what was in it but she kept worrying that I was going to read it, and reminding me not to, and leaving it out (closed, but in plain sight). I reassured her over and over that I wouldn't so much as touch it, with the sole exception that if I saw it poking out from under the bed or something, I might nudge it a little farther under. I was beginning to build up a bit of attitude about that darned journal: no way was I going to read it, I'd told her I wouldn't read it, I'd never snooped into anything else of hers -- so why wouldn't she believe me? Eventually I asked her: by any chance, was she bringing this up over and over because she really was trying to get me to read her journal? I don't remember what happened after that, but the journal did become less of an issue somehow. Maybe we just didn't have as much attention on it any more, or maybe she started keeping it in her bag or something.

But if she'd had a pile of letters instead of that journal (or in addition to it), I think that would have worked about the same way for me. Of course if she'd kept reading the letters over and over instead of, say, being with me, I probably would have asked her eventually if there was anything there that she wanted to share with me.

I have tons (well, pounds anyway... ounces?) of old letters and stuff saved (color me slightly obsessive-compulsive if you want). A lot of it I haven't so much as looked at in 10 years or more but I figure that if I were to throw any of it away, two weeks later I'd have a burning question about something from my past that one of those letters could have answered.

flyerfan24
I've had this conversation with a few folks in person.......... and wanted to see how others felt about it in this forum.
Is it apporpriate for a significant other, married or not, but in a committed relationship, to save love letters and notes from a past lover?
Well, I can picture scenerio's where it would be & those where it may not be. In general I would say it's o.k...tentatively. I think it depends on if the relationship even though it's over was a healthy one that ended in a mature fashion. Those letters may be a nice memory of your younger years later in life. I suppose if a person is re-reading them constantly in a way it makes it seem they wish to get back with that person.

However if I can see extenuating circumstances where i wouldn't see this as o.k...if there was some "friction" between the current & past lovers....

I would say if they are kept in a shoe box or something then are occassionally dusted off...

I think it MAY matter on the indivdual letters & what they are pertaining to.

Typically though, I don't think that is a question of appropriate or not. It's do the letters hold meaning to that person. If so, then I think it's something that the new partner should respect.

I think usually, given time, if you give the one keeping the letters enough of a reason to not need to re-hash old memories they will choose to get rid of the letters on their own.

It seems odd that a person would hang onto this if that relationship is long gone and over......and now in a new solid relationship...
seems very hurtful towards your partner to hang onto it.......
I don't believe that in a solid relationship that a person being that solid position would feel that it was being done to hurt them.
The reality is, it really has nothing to do with the new partner...we all have a past...again, it's the same thing though, i can see extenuating circumstances....

I find it incredibly insulting and look at it as emtional cheating, which is way more hurtful I feel, since the hurt person has no real proof, other than some letters.
It depends on how much the letters are being read...a shoe box collecting dust is cool....a shrine & a mantle are not.
And on top of this....I would be expected to disolve such tokens right down to furniture from a previous relaitonship......and I fully accept and agree with that...but what if the other person doesn't?
On the surface this seems like an unfair double standard...unless the tokens from your previous relationship is one that had a personal connection to your new partner & caused "friction"

Also, I'm not saying I subscribe to this so ladies please don't start throwing shoes at me but men or women are wired differently...
women tend to connect on a more emotional level to that stuff than men...again generally speaking...

Men...we have big egos The person who wrote the letters may not even matter to us....it's if they said stuff that makes us puff out our chests...then we can refer to them when we are feeling insecure....
again though, if the new partner is supporting enough, this shouldn't be needed either...

Is it an indication of unfaithfulness?
No
Especially if these items are hidden away in a box for safe keeping.
No, that is respectful way to handle it...in most cases.
It is the same for old wedding bands and jewelry.....guys chime in if you read this.......how do you feel if your gal is wearing jewelry given by another as tokens or symbols of love?
Wearing jewlery & odornments are not acceptable to me...for either...then you are making the personal physical connection to your body in the here & now...absolutely not...man or woman.

Am I wrong to feel violated and cheated..
About the jewlery..YES!!! that's wrong. The letters are harder for me to say...initially I would say no that one.
especially if I now am the one giving jewelry and writting letters showing my affection etc.
This goes into the personal connection reference I made earlier in this reply...if there was an issue between you & the other woman I can see that this may not be asking to much from you for him to do.
How would you feel to find out your signifcant other made a point to remember and keep these kinds of items
Is he wearing the jewlery? or is it put away?
.....secretly away....
secretely away is fine...unless you feel it he is constantly re-visiting the stuff.....it should at very least collect dust.

Just my opinion...please don't throw any shoes...I was just playing devils advocate

LK

If you had children with your ex maybe.......so they could have proof of the loving of that union( when they are old enough to read it of course, but if too racey, maybe not)......but otherwise, no. Photos, yes. Intimate love letters, gotta go. Even the one ex I had that I really loved and admired, all stuff went after cathartic purging of emotion.

Just my opinion babe........hope it gets sorted.

Some people save these types of things. I have an Aunt that keeps everything! Each person has their own box with letter, flowers pressed, and gifts including three engagement rings from men she didn't marry. To her it's a story of her past. My opinion is that she has low self esteem and needs these things to feel that she was loved, you know what I mean? No matter what happens she has these pieces of proof that someone loved her. I don't have the room for junk I don't use. I hate getting greeting cards because I don't save them and feel guilty about throwing them away.

For me personally, I can't stand having anything that reminds me of someone that hurt me. When my boyfriend and I broke up (we're back together now), I sent EVERYTHING back to him. Anything that could remind me of him went back to him; even stuff that he had given me from before we were dating. Now, we're back together. He was the complete opposite. He saved everything. He's not very organized, though, so I'll just be in his room and find a letter I sent him or something from when we were first dating. That may have indicated the fact that he wanted to get back with me, even though he dated someone else for a few months before we got back together...

But, I feel that if a relationship ended in a mature way, where both members just sort of fell out of love and no one was extremely hurt, then keeping mementos from that time period wouldn't be strange. To me, it'd be like keeping photographs of friends you had in high school that you simply dont talk to anymore. Just something to muse over once in awhile and remind you of what brought you to where you are now.

But then again, how many relationships end that way...? Personal opinion, I wouldn't be okay with my boyfriend having stuff from an ex, but then I have extreme secruity issues and low self esteem..

In summary, to me, it depends on the former relationships, how things ended, etc. But it also depends on the new relationship too.

Good debate question!
Ro

Personally, I get rid of everything having to do with my exes right when we break up. Photos, letters, everything..... But that's not to say it's WRONG. I think what the most important thing is, is that you're both on the same page.

Since I'm so anti-keeping-things-from-exes, I expect my partner to be as well. My ex keeps pictures and notebooks and letters from his ex and it drove me insane. Not to mention he was still friends with her so, to me, it indicates something else going on.

But my current boyfriend feels the same way I do so it doesn't cause a problem. And, I agree that, even if I wanted to keep it, I would get rid of it if it caused a problem with my partner. And if he kept things from his ex, I would expect him to get rid of them out of respect for me.

I usually try to throw out everything my exes even gave to me just because this question usually comes up with just about anything "who gave that to you?" lol so I try to void bringing them up at all.

How can it be emotional cheating if the letters are from a period of time prior to you two being together? Cheating if it was ongoing maybe but if its in the past its history. A persons past doesnt cease to exist because of a new relationship. I personally would find your reaction to these letters to be controlling as an expression of insecurity or attempted dominance.

I just think and agree...with out them there is no reason for concern or questions.......they should be either paked into the attic or disgarded....move on to the new reltionship and stop revisiting the old one.
If they are tucked away for one day when you are alone and reminising about days gone by that is one thing, but to keep them with in easy reach and be reading them from time to time.....I don't know it just seems wrong. I'm certianly not talking about things like a ring you wished to pass onto your ex's daughter etc..........Im not talking about the china you recieved as a wedding gift 20 years ago........I'm talking specificly about love letters of an intimate nature.expressing desires and expressing how the night before was the most incredible sexual experience etc.....why should a guy have to even see this .??

I can't imagine a girl putting up with this from a guy? If you saw this sort of thing laying on the fornt of the closet shelf and notice it being opened etc.........then you peeked and saw the opened letters being very disrciptive.......how could anyone think having uncomfortable thoughts about that is controlling if the person who found them was uncomfortable and concerned or worried? And I wonder if they are intentionally being left like this to have a person see them?

Oh well.........maybe Im paranoid....then again I am talking about a gal who when I am away working gets lonely......and then goes into a bar to ease the loneliness too.......I don't feel insecure and certainly not domminating.........as many people have posted....it is more a respect I feel.
Well it is just me then.....I feel threatened by this sort of thing...or maybe Im just jealous that my letters arent included in the shrine to lovers of the past. I guess if I keep it up I will be added because I will soon be one of the past ones.

I do appreciate both side of the debate though.......it does help. And I thank you all for your posts!

To add something, I think that keeping stuff like that shows that they can't move on. And if I were to find something like that (which I have before) it would make me feel like they were still hung up on them and are settling for me (but that I'm not necessarily the first choice).

Like, with my ex, he asked me to get something out of his top drawer and when I opened it, there was a picture of him and his ex just laying there. And it was a romantic one, of just those 2, at sunset, kissing. When I brought it up to him he said he got rid of it. Which I later found out meant he put it in a photoalbum that was kept in his entertainment center in his living room......yeah.....he wasn't over her.

That's really the only experience I've had with bfs keeping things from exes and my intuition was dead on so that's what I trust. You also have to pay attention to that! I'll find something that COULD be construed as suspicious but assume it's nothing - and it usually is. But if I find something and have that pit of my stomach feeling - I have ALWAYS been right. So go with your gut.

Hi Flyerfan

There's a Jimmy Buffett song "Pre-You" that talks about past relationships and things like this. It's kinda funny.

Anyway... I certainly would not look at old love letters and feel emotionally cheated.

If I did, then I would have to wonder WHY I am feeling that way. Am I feeling that way because I feel insecure about the relationship?? Am I feeling jealous? Is it a self esteem issue? Why am I feeling so uncomfortable about something that has occurred in the past??

That's what would be going through my mind.

As far as whether one should keep the letters or get rid of them... that's up to the person who owns them, not the person that is in the relationship with them!

Personally, I've always kept all my letters from my EXes, including photographs.

Why do I do this?

I guess it's just because I feel life is a journey... and I want to remember the places, people, and things I have encountered along life's winding, and hopefully long, road. I want to remember everything... the good and the bad.

If my BF now would get upset about my old love letters, jewelry etc... I would tell him to chill out-- "It's pre-you".

Anyway...at the moment, he doesn't know and I am not planning on telling him about any of those possessions either, LOL. 'Cuz... IMHO, It's really none of his business anyway.

Peppermint Patty

I always burn old letters/pictures after I'm finally over the relationship, or if I'm ready to be over it. My ex had a stupid picture that his ex had drawn for him in his car for a long time after they had broken up, and I was with him. It was under the pasenger seat visor, so he didn't notice it, but it constantly bothered me, until one day he noticed it and said "Why is this still here?" then he let it fall on the floor, and it was thrown away later. The reason the picture bothered me was because it was a cheesey cartoon picture of the two of them, and if he was going to keep it, fine, but I didn't want to have to see it every time I got into his car.

I personally have kept some notes from people, like the one I got from a senior when I was a freashman asking me to homecoming. That never became a relationship but it made me feel special. I hardly ever look back on my box of stuff that I keep.

Hi Flyerfan,

I was going to mention that I still wear some of the jewelry that my past boyfriends have given me.

For example, I have a gold and opal pendant necklace that I wear which was given to me about 20+ years ago by my first boyfriend (we met in Highschool). Do I wear it to think of him?

Nope... however once in a great while.. when I put it on, I do for a very brief nano-second think of him, but my reason for wearing it now is because it is a very, very nice piece of jewelry that coordinates well with most my outfits.

The way I look at it is... if a boyfriend gives me nice piece of jewelry, or anything really... that I can really find a use for... I am not going to throw any of it away just because I am now seeing somebody else. That's just wasteful, IMHO.

I think you mentioned furniture in your original post... nope.... I wouldn't get rid of things like that... not if it was my favorite lounge chair, a very nice LCD flat panel TV or whatever... nope... if they're useful, those things can stay, LOL.

Peppermint Patty

Had to laugh as I get rid of everything however I DO keep the ring lmao as its nice I just dont tell anyone where I got it .........

Peppermint - I too kept a couch that my ex-fiancee and I bought together. When we broke up, he moved back to Ohio but hadn't found a place yet so he asked if I would keep it so he didn't have to pay for a storage unit. Then one day he emailed me saying I could keep it because he wanted all new stuff in his new apt to start a new life and not have things reminding him of me.

I never think about him when I sit on the couch lol And I also kept my iPod FM transmitter that my ex got me for christmas.....because I don't want to spend another 100 dollars. But stuff like that is stuff everyone buys so it doesn't come up in conversation. I don't keep things that could potentially encourage the question "who gave this to you?" so lockets etc....

But yeah....if a bf bought me a flat screen - bet your *** I'd keep it! haha

I understand what you are saying.......I think most of the items you mention arent personal.....and I can see keeping an LCD Tv too. I think the difference for me is this.......while I might also keep a Tv and enjoy it.......I doubt it holds the same significance to me as a piece of jewelry that was a symbol of love and devotion. For example an engagement ring or wedding band. While I can sort of see some poeple keeping them....for Memories right not to keep the romance alive?

I wonder though.....a love letter that is discribing the intimate details of a passionate night together......a whole bunch of them......you might keep that hidden away in a box rather than pass it around for your guests to view much like a TV correct?
And why would that be?
Just another way of looking at it.
I don't think it is a matter of having low self esteem either.......it just seems as a matter of respect for each other, which seems to be the comon thought on this thread.

I do thank you for everyones thoughts. It is honestly helping me deal with the situation and giving me hope.

good point, flyer. if you have to hide it then you must think there is something wrong with keeping them. or at least that's how i look at it.

I wanted to keep mine, but DH didn't approve and made me toss them. I was upset because those were part of my youth. My first love letter was when I was 13, hardly anything to get jealous over. He know of them and that I wanted to keep them to show our daughters that it's normal for those feelings but DH made me toss them. I wish I hadn't though.

That sounds to me like going a bit far.
There are lots of things I might keep tucked away rather than leave them out on the coffee table -- not because I shouldn't still have them or wouldn't want to share them under any circumstances, but because I'd only want to bring them out as appropriate, perhaps to illustrate some point for a present-day conversation we were having. We might happen to be discussing that someone from my past used to tell me I was too much this way or not enough that way; that the person I was with now didn't seem to find it much of an issue; how I used to look at and deal with that particular issue when it still was one; and whether we could apply anything of the sort to whatever issues might be up for us now. That might be when I'd want to think (and even refer) back to some conversation on that subject with some other person, ten years ago or even longer.

Most of my recent "personal" stuff is in the form of saved e-mails and chats, btw -- a more useful kind of "archives" for me than letters on paper, since more than half of the time the part that I want to look at is how I once said something, not what someone else was saying to me at the time.

I think that is over the top.......a 13 year olds love letter hardly seems to be a worry.
Thanks for sharing it.