[ginger69]

I have been in a relationship with a guy for about 9 years. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship, and he has 1 from an ex. His daughter lives with her grand parents. He has been showing a lot of resentment to my kids because his kid is jealous of me and my kids. She doesn't want to come over for visits. He claims that he cares for my kids just like his own. But if something goes wrong in the household, it is automatically my kids fault. For example, the ceiling in one of the bedrooms caved in. So he blames my daughter for causing it by shutting the door to hard. A lot of times when he just gets out of bed in the morning, He just starts yelling at all of us over stupid stuff. My kids hate being around him when he gets in those type of moods. Frankly so do I.

He has been laid off from his job, and has been trying to spend time with his daughter. he has invited her over to the house for dinner and whatnot, but she avoids him all the time. He says that she thinks that he chose us over her. So I guess he blames us.

He also has been spending most of his time away from home. But when I ask him to stay home, he gets mad. Trys to make me feel guilty for making him stay where he doesn't want to be. It gets to wear I tell him to go just to get some peace. It hasn't always been like this but it seems to get worse year after year. He puts himself and his friends before anybody else.

I just need some advice on what I should do? If I leave, then I have to uproot the kids and make them leave their friends, and the only home they have ever known. If I stay, then I'm afraid that it will just continue to get worse.

[sabby]

Hi ginger,

It can be so hard in a blended family sometimes. Children can pull the parents in directions that make it very hard and shake the core of the family. Whenever there is a divorce, the children always think there is a chance that mom and dad will get back together. If another partner comes into play, it's so easy for the kids to blame that new partner because it douses their dreams of their family being together. I know it did for my kids and it was tough working through it, but we did ok. I've found the kids can be good at making a parent feel guilty too. Once that happens, the parent can have a real difficult time setting boundaries and maintaining them, especially when we try to soothe our children and make it up to them in not so healthy ways.

I'm not really sure if your husband is staying away because he is blaming you and your kids for his rift with his daughter, or if he's staying away for other reasons. Avoiding the situation certainly isn't a good thing is it?

IMHO I think it's time for the two of you to do some really deep communicating and get to the bottom of why the change in attitude. Maybe it's time to go to a marriage counselor. If you are affiliated with a church, you could also go for counseling there as well. Too often we try to assume what the issue is with our partners instead of talking and asking questions.

I truly hope you can both have a heart to heart talk and clear the air a bit. I wish you and your family well.

Take good care!

sabby

[jerrymichele]

I agree with Sabby. I think the two of you should have a heart to heart talk. I think the issue with his daughter is more on the fact that she wants to be with her parents. If his daughter lives with the grandparents then it would be upsetting to her not to live with at least one of her parents. She's blaming you, but really it's your husband. If she doesn't want to come to your house then your husband should visit over there. Maybe he needs to do one one time with her. I would tell your husband to stop screaming at you, and especially your kids. Your kids don't need that, and you to. Hope this helps.

[Pomegranate]

((((Ginger)))) I'm sorry to be so blunt but this guy sounds like a jerk! Why do you even want to be with him? You deserve better, so do your children.