[0ldsoul]

Does anyone feel selfish for desiring companionship?

Does anyone feel selfish for desiring companionship when you know you have conditions that would put stress or complications on your partner? I personally feel irresponsible pursuing relationships for this reason. In short, I have numerous issues with being in public. I can’t help but feel lonely, yet I suppose I accept the decision to be single assuming/knowing that it will save others the stress. I know allot of quick thoughts to this would follow as: “simply be honest and open with your conditions” and “if they decide to get involved with you and find they cant handle it, its not your fault.” In response to the first, I have tried that, but what I found was that over time, the understanding runs low, the desire for things like romantic dinners in public or a night at the movies becomes increased. I can see how hard others try to be supportive, but they cannot always hide their desires for outings or a “normal” relationship. After 3 years of a great relationship and the unconditional love I found for my partner, I found myself desiring more for her, things I could not offer. She required more than I could give and this slowly became a reality. I think we both recognized this but just found ourselves looking at each other with concerning eyes, we both knew it was not going to work any longer. I decided to part and pray she found a man who was able to give her all she deserved and more. So following up on the “if they decide to get involved with you and find they cant handle it, its not your fault” I cant help but feel irresponsible for assuming that, or shifting blame on something you are aware of. Aware of the fact that they are unaware of the impact such things can have on a long term relationship. I suppose its ignorance, they assume they can handle it, or can live with it. Sometimes they think that it can’t be that “bad” or that possibly they can change you or help you. Without getting into a deep discussion of feminine psychology, like the nurturing and caring characteristics some woman have, I feel that it can play a big part in the attraction to the idea of the problem and the opportunity to help fix and care for it. This in the end can become an ongoing and un winnable battle. The initial “I can deal with it, I can help, and I can respect it” slowly seems to fade and failure is typically imminent. In experiencing this and having knowledge of it, it would be irresponsible to blindly believe what they say, as they assume and you through experience know its not that easy.

I have since then, for 3 years now accepted being single as I can’t foresee much success in serious relations. Moral convictions don’t tend to allow me to casually date either so I guess I was curious if anyone has insight into the complications of relationships regarding this. Anyone found steps or rules you follow when someone pursues a relationship with you? I get a laugh when I feel as though I would only be compatible with someone who felt similar about the public, its ironic because it would be the 2 absolute worst personalities to ever actually meet. . . in public. When I meet women, it’s always at an outing that I feel uncomfortable for being at in the first place, and just the fact of meeting in public is a bad start to finding someone who would understand this. I suppose I can honestly say I am content with my situation, but can’t help but be curious of others experiences or opinions.

Its 4:30am and I apologize if that was a bit clustered or jumpy. I assume I will get home from work tomorrow and start hitting the edit buttons.

0ldsoul

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by 0ldsoul

Does anyone feel selfish for desiring companionship when you know you have conditions that would put stress or complications on your partner?

If you are up front with your partner about your issues and what you are dealing with in life and he is wiling to stay in the relationship then "no" I would not feel guilty or selfish about needing companionship with another... its a natural human need and even the best of relationships have problems.

[0ldsoul]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

If you are up front with your partner about your issues and what you are dealing with in life and he is wiling to stay in the relationship then "no" I would not feel guilty or selfish about needing companionship with another

I guess what I meant was, when considering entering one. If you are in one and develop mental problems, then you should be, would be guilt free. But its the idea of feeling as though I am waving a quick disclaimer in soemones face who is pursueing me. "I dont do public well, I have social problems I have...." etc. . . I have never once had anyone say "Oh, well I can't handle that.... thanks for being honest" and then move on. Its always the very warm and understainding arms wide opne reception. I cant help but think "here we go, just wait untill 6 months down the road when your office has thier X-mas party and you have to go alone" lol. I guess I just feel like its never taken serious enough no matter how its explained. I dont know, I have gave up for the past few years, I guess its the whole "keep others safe un-hurt" thing.

Also, I dont want to say "need", I have done well and got used to being alone, I do ok most of the time, but when I say "desire" I mean it in the proper term. I just cant help but desire companioship at times, and wondered if anyone else felt selfish for that and if they have found ways to be safer and more explanitory in the early stages pre-relationship.

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

and even the best of relationships have problems.

Thank you for that reminder, I suppose when you are overwhelmed by one focus that you forget things like that. There where times when I did all I could do to make things right, and still, there would be problems. lol, you got me thinking for eg: time when I did the dishes and I accidentally used both tea towels to dry them and she was angry about it, (you know, 2 towels on 2 hooks) she started a fight. I just looked at her and broke out in laughter, I was almost in tears laughing so hard. All I could say was "if that's the best you got, I know I am doing pretty good" She smirked and I think got the point. So I do suppose when looking from certain angles you have to realize what is a problem, and what is just a perosn who desires the odd confrontation regaurdless of how rediculous the ammo is

Thanks for listening.

[justfloating]

I dunno, I think just about every single person on the planet has their baggage. A good relationship is one that can work around it. I try not to let my mental health define me, and I'm honest about the fact that sometimes I can be a complete pain (I'm depressed, and that means low spells where I won't get out of bed, where I get really irritable, where I won't eat or sleep or do anything but cry...) but that my mental health is not ME. It's just a part of my baggage. And generally, I've found people who know me are pretty understanding. I guess you just have to ask yourself if you were in your partner's shoes, would you be willing to put up with the same kinds of issues you have now? Everyone deserves companionship, and there are very special people out there who can handle all kinds of challenges and stresses, especially if they love you. I don't think it's bad to want to have someone like that in your life at all, especially if you're prepared to do the same for someone else for the sake of the companionship you seek.

[bearchic34]

No I don't think it's selfish. Everyone has different issues or quirks that their partner has to deal with. You will find the perfect person for you. neither they nor you know if they can handle your situation long term unless you both try. I truly believe everyone deserves that special person in their life. ~gentle hugs~

[0ldsoul]

Thank you for yoru kind words of encouragment Bearchic. I do believe that its possible. I am more than patient and content on waiting, so heres hoping.

Great points just floating, I suppose only risking failure with find success.

[0ldsoul]

So in thinking a bit more, perhaps, am I setting my standards for the proper or perfect relationship too high? I think my "contentment" and patience frustrates all around me, lol. They get a kick at how I always prepare and plan every step and typically only act on things when its practical and mapped out (not referring to only relationships, all aspects, business, finances etc..)

Perhaps its a fear of failure or fear of the unknown? I am still kind of stuck on the feeling of selfishness for considering bringing another into my life full knowing the pressures that will follow. At this point I think I am simply working on working through the mental, its my goal to get that under control, then I would consider relationships again. Who knows how long that will take, I guess thats the "planning and mapping" part of my personality

0ldsoul