Gah. My family.

Jul 20, 2009, 12:43 AM

I'm am not very appreciate of their "new leaf" that my mom and step-dad are turning. I can't believe that my mom actually expected me to call my step-dad my father. I told her that he IS my step-dad because I WANT there to be "step" there. Then she tells me that "the relationship goes both ways and not always to your benefit." I don't get it. It just makes me so ANGRY. What exact benefits would I get if I'm his daughter as opposed to his step-daughter!? He can think of me as his daughter if he wants to, I'm okay with that, heck, it makes me feel flattered and loved...but that's his choice. To me, I only have one father, and one mother. I've already talked about this to my to-be step-mom and she says that she'd never expect me to call her mom. It's not like I don't love him or anything...and at this point I've known him since I was a little kid, it's not really about those things...it is difficult to really explain.

On the plus side, they aren't talking about religion so much. (Which triggers huge unbearable amounts of pain and rage that for some reason they just decided I'd have to deal with instead of making the sacrifice of the relatively small amount of time I see them during a week in the grand scheme of things for the past few months)

On the bottom side, they seemed to have realized "in our effort to be the buddy parents we havn't taught our kids life lessons!". It's not exactly fun having everything you were supposed to gradualy learn trying to be shoved in your face at once. In an effort to "become better parents" they have changed well...a lot of things. They went from the laid back parents who you could confide in and feel supported with to well...what they are now. It's like they are trying desperately to become a solid and structured family unit (hence: mom wants me to call my step-dad "father") which is like taking everything I've ever known about my dynamics with my family and flipping it upside down and shaking it by it's ankles for spare change. This would be 10 times more tolerable if my step-dad wasn't so "blunt" and "loud" as my mother likes to dub. It seems like my own lack of years and life skills is taking the blame for everything like the door to their room being left open or an empty pudding cup in someplace that is not the garbage (both of these are true accounts, and niether of them were my fault, and my step-dad decided to act as though it were).

My mom keeps talking about how "communication is key" but I honestly don't see the point of it anymore. My wish that things would just be back to normal will probably never come true, because they are clearly wrong then there is no reason to change, so I just got to adapt. I'm not communicating how I feel to my step-dad because quite frankly I'm scared he'll just emotionally hammer me into the ground with his "blunt" and "loud" and "passionate" comments.

They aren't really wrong. Nothing that they are saying is really wrong. But it's a different way of dealing with things. A way that is definately not one size fits all. A much stricter and more structured way. I'm a square peg, please do not try and fit me into a round hole.

AAAAA · Jul 24, 2009, 12:19 AM

You know change is a part of life. Every day we grow and hopefully learn something new and that changes who we are as people. The only thing you can depend upon in life is change.

I do not understand what growth or change however would prompt your mother and step-father to decide that you should call him “father” or “dad”. You cannot force these things and it seems particularly odd after all of this time. I agree with you, a child has one father and one mother, I don’t think this role is necessarily defined by biology but the role isn’t interchangeable in my opinion. I would think that this drastic change would only create awkwardness and hurt feelings that did not exist before.

Normally when I read your posts I can understand your parent’s point of view, whether I agree with them or not. But this seems so bizarre.

Pomegranate · Jul 24, 2009, 10:25 AM

((((kaika)))) I may be wrong but it sounds like your mom is kind of a floor mat to your step dad. And your step dad sounds like he would be an unpleasant person to be around. Just because someone is the way the are, does not mean another person (you) has to like it. For example: just because your mom likes chocolate, or loud obnoxious people, does not mean you have to.

I certainly hope you won't start calling him Dad if you don't feel that way about him. That's not healthy for you, and it certainly isn't healthy that your mom is pressuring you to do something you clearly feel strongly about NOT doing. It's not as if your are a little girl or are doing something self destructive. Matter of fact, it does sound like she may be doing it for her own motives and benefit. Is there a chance you could talk about this with your dad and ask him to speak with your mom or step dad about this?

When you say they left their bedroom door open, do you mean while they were having sex or while he was undressed? If that is so, this is raising a GIANT red flag in my mind. There is such a thing as covert abuse, Elysium, I think, put up a link about it in the abuse forum. You should read that if either of these incidents did happen and your step dad is blaming you. Keep your distance from him and if you feel at all uncomfortable tell you mom, your dad, keep telling until you find someone who will support you and help you deal with your step father.

jerrymichele · Jul 24, 2009, 03:34 PM

I would never call him dad. How can either one of them expect that when you have a dad. Tell her that you can call him step-dad what he is.

Jul 24, 2009, 04:17 PM

Things have actually going a lot better recently then they have been. They seem to be less weird and more like themselves. But who knows how long that will last?

And no, they weren't even home at the time. Basically I was sleeping in, my mom decided to go into their room for whatever reason, didn't shut the door after she left. Later in the day when I was awake and stuff my step-dad came home and jumped to the conclusion that I've been in their room without asking permission (which is something that he really hates) but yeah, that was cleared up a long time ago... so it really isn't an issue anymore. (the closes thing to covert abuse is the way my brother doesn't close the door while he is going pee

)

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Gah. My family.

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