[idontknow13]

I have a 23yr old daughter who blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life. She is a very cheerful, funny, giving person but I think she might be bipolar or/and narcisstic. She is very jealous of her younger sister and very resentful of her step-father. Her dad died when she was 6 years old, I do believe that has affected her quite a lot. She used to be an adorable child, full of life and laughter, she has grown up to be quite bitter and has so much anger in her, it scares me, I keep telling her that she has made some bad choices but she will not take responsibility for anything and blames me for everything. I have made mistakes with her but I have admitted it and I have tried to help her time and time again but she conveniently forgets those times.
I love her more than life itself (that is an easy one since I hate life!), I would do anything to help her but there is nothing I can do to solve her problems, I know she has to live her own life and make her own mistakes but right now with my deep depression, she is more than I can handle. I have to detach but everytime I try to do that she says I dont love her, that I dont care for her.
Sorry for this rant, just needed to get it out on the screen.
Any mother out there who have similar relationships with their daughters?

[jerrymichele]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I have a 17 year old daughter who has ran away twice, and is just now getting some sense back. She has lived with her dad, and also blames everything on me. I had her for a little bit. I took her to my PDOC and she suffers from anxiety just like me. She won't take any meds for it either, and she does need them. It sounds like she is very angry about everything in general, have you asked her if she would like to go to therapy with you? I would also like to say that my mom passed when I was 15. Anyways when I was your daughter's age I felt like I had no one there for me, and I was also jealous of everyone who had a mom. Your daughter may feel this way too. She wants what your other daughter has with her dad, but she can't have it. She knows that it's not your fault. She's just taking it out on you, and everyone else in your family. IMO just from my own experience I think that she needs therapy. She is hurting right now, and she needs to heal from it.

[Yoda]

I don't have a daughter but I do have a son who went through a defiant butthole phase from fourteen to eighteen. My son lost his step dad when I killed him in self defense and he also was witness to some of the abuse toward me in the last two years of my BF's life. So I know my son had serious issues to deal with but yet I couldn't fix him. I was struggling to fix myself.,

I totally understand what you are saying about being unable to deal with your daughter's poor behavior when you are depressed already. When my son was eighteen I wanted to smack him up side the head for his rude nasty behavior and ended up signing myself into a psych unit for five days to get away from him before I actually did hurt him. It was at that time that I decided it was time for tough love.

When I returned home I wrote a list of house rules and detailed how my son would lose privileges and video games to the consequence box when his behavior was inappropriate. He signed the contract and he did test me for a couple of weeks but he found the consequence box unpleasant.

My son is now twenty years old and he seldom is rude now. It was a difficult transition for both of us but my son needed a rude awakening.

What worked for me won't work exactly for you as your daughter is older and if I understand correctly she is not living at home now but you could still have house rules for how she treats you when she is in your home. If it were me I would probably state that if her behavior is exceptionally poor she must leave your house immediately. That was part of my son's contract. If he could not abide by my rules in my house he could leave and go to the homeless shelter. That sobered him up when he learned I was serious.

Expect your daughter to be resistant to change at first. That is human nature. People dislike change and she is getting something positive by blaming you for her problems. She is old enough to take responsibility for herself.

Yes she has had some problems in her life and life hasn't always been peachy keen. She needs to move on now.

I know you feel somewhat responsible because you have not always been the perfect mother and I can really relate to that. But I read once in a book that what we should strive for is "good enough" mothering. None of us are perfect mothers and we all make mistakes and that is natural but we don't have to be perfect mothers to raise healthy children. "Good enough" mothering represents doing our best to provide a healthy environment but acknowledging that we are imperfect. Our children don't need perfect mothers to grow. That concept has helped me with my guilt for not being there for my son after my BF died.

I hope that I have helped you in some way. As with all problem solving - try a solution and if that doesn't work try another until you find the solution that works for you.