[throughthefog]

Hi, I am new to this page and forum so please bear with me. To cut a long story short I am partnered with a man i suspect of having a sexual addiction to porn & masturbation, he is knows that I am aware of it but will deny constantly, I have also thought that he mayy have begaun acting out (seeing others). I have been pushing him for honesty lately in regards to the porn/masturbation and still with no honest answers. We have become distant and are arguing a lot, I sent him a text yesterday and requested that he write me a letter telling me how he feels. He replied with a comment about I am not having an affair or seeing anyone else, he also then again said I know you think I'm having an affair.
This comment has sent me into a frenzy, I have not accused, asked or broached the subject of an affair, why would he say that? Any ideas? Is he gaslighting and sending me on a different path?

[throughthefog]

Gee Ive managed in my first post to soooo not get my point across in the manner I wanted, I struggle to find the words to explain my situation.

[Trippin2.0]

Idk what he's trying to do, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out when your partner distrusts you. Especially when 2 people are close, reading eachother becomes second nature.

For example, I have borderline and my bf knows when I'm trippin ballz before I do. In the midst of my denial, if I have the good sense to stop and think, then I will admit that yes, he saw where that was headed and I need to breath, calm down, and listen to facts instead of act out on x,y,z feelings for no good reason.

So yes, sometimes someone else knows us way better than we'd like to think they do.

Also distrust shows whether you want it to or not, and with all this interrogating regarding his masturbatory habits, its no wonder he knows what you're thinking.

You didn't twist your words, don't feel bad, I just don't have any answers and that's why I didn't respond when I first read it.

[healingme4me]

People get on the defensive, when feeling like they are being criticized. Which, may be where he is coming from, with the questioning pattern over porn and masturbation. Hence, him armed to defend himself, against the next logical path.

Are you feeling there's something lacking emotionally within the relationship? Leading to this patterned argument about whether he does or does not masturbate and watch porn?

[Perna]

I don't worry too much about what my husband is doing with his sexuality. He is there when I want him and respectful of me and our communication throughout the day is clear and I don't worry there are issues he would not raise with me or that I could not raise with him if either of us wanted/needed to. We allow the other person to be themselves and do their own thing while also keeping an ear out for if the other person needs us and wants our help or input or if we have a common goal we want to work on together, etc. I think looking too closely at another persons "faults" as we see them or ways of being and commenting can interrupt the flow of that person and the relationship.

I don't know what your husband may/may not be trying to do with his comments but I would talk to him about what you would like in terms of closeness (versus "fault" or what he may/may not be doing?) and let him know what makes you feel good, etc. My husband and I have a hug ritual, and nighttime going to bed ritual, etc. we have developed together. For me, when I think my husband and I are too far apart, I decide to move over closer to him; if one wants hugs, one has to give a few too, the the other person know while hugging that one likes being hugged?

I feel sorry for men truly addicted to porn/masturbation, I see it as an anxiety response and wish they did not have to feel that way.

[hvert]

Why do you think he is addicted to porn/masturbation? Is he spending so much time doing those things that it's interfering with his regular life? For a lot of guys, that's a 15-30 minute daily routine.

I don't know enough about your situation to know why he said that he wasn't having an affair before you asked, but I could imagine a scenario where a person would say that just because he was feeling defensive.

[cdnomore]

Originally Posted by throughthefog

Hi, I am new to this page and forum so please bear with me. To cut a long story short I am partnered with a man i suspect of having a sexual addiction to porn & masturbation, he is knows that I am aware of it but will deny constantly, I have also thought that he mayy have begaun acting out (seeing others). I have been pushing him for honesty lately in regards to the porn/masturbation and still with no honest answers. We have become distant and are arguing a lot, I sent him a text yesterday and requested that he write me a letter telling me how he feels. He replied with a comment about I am not having an affair or seeing anyone else, he also then again said I know you think I'm having an affair.
This comment has sent me into a frenzy, I have not accused, asked or broached the subject of an affair, why would he say that? Any ideas? Is he gaslighting and sending me on a different path?

How long have you been together? Do you live together? Do you have a real committed relationship, as in you are both on the same page, boyfriend girlfriend?

[throughthefog]

We have lived together for 18 months, he was originally working away for 3 weeks at a time and home for a week (for six months) he then finished work and was apparently committed to finding a job close to home and falling into a "normal" life. He was home for three months not working, throughout this time he told me his computer was not working, I explained I could have a look for him and try to fix it but he did not want me to. He then told me he had had it repaired and commenced using it to search for work. I asked to use his computer one day as mine wasnt working, while using his computer I came across months and months of hardcore porn use, dating site visits, swingers club information, I was overwhelmed and confronted him. He explained that the dating sites were from prior when he was single and had no idea how to delete them, he explained that the porn meant nothing and as for the swingers info he apparently says he was just curious. No explanation why his broken computer had managed to register numerous porn sites daily?
I tried to forget it, forgive and move on but also became very wary and suspicious, then commenced my obsession with wondering if he was being honest as he had obviously lied to me. He then found work on the opposite side of the country for a couple of months in his old home town, throughout this time away he stayed at a hotel room that he failed to tell me about and then got angry when I asked him, I found this out when he asked me to log onto his bank account and pay a bill for him. Since he has been back home and not working he has become distant, doesn't come near me at all, has learnt to delete his internet history, keeps his phone constantly in his pocket and I find a towel everyday that he has used to clean up his "mess" after masturbating. I have checked the cookies on his computer, there are still visits to porn sites, dating sites etc, whenever I ask him for honesty and the truth he lies and tells me, one he doesn't look at porn anymore and two he's not masturbating. I have given him every chance to leave but he wants to stay????? Why the lies I just don't understand.

[cdnomore]

Ah, yah, let me say that first, I am just a normal person, with lots of life experience, and I want to help you clear the cobwebs in your head that we all get when faced with shocking and unpleasant discoveries...
Its normal to feel a sense of delayed reaction, numbness, anger, dissapointment, denial and finally acceptance someday, if this sounds like the stages of grief it is. It really is. You are grieving over what you thought you had, and what you were led to beleive you had...and worse than greiving a death, its still alive and kicking. It seems like these feelings come and go and not in any particular order...so, I'm going to give you some friendly advice that I learned from my experience.
I've said this earlier and it really helps to think of it this way: Other people do exactly what they want to do, in exactly the way they want to do it.
What does that have to do with you? Well, you're the other person, you have every right, as a live in partner for 18 months, to be told the truth, to be treated with kindness and respect. To be, as his partner, his sexual choice. In order to have a full relationship, there must be honesty in order to build trust.
It sounds like he lied to you, and may have assumed you didn't know better, or wouldn't figure it out.
It sounds like his secretive behavior has a certain 'bad-boy' thrill for him, that he hopes you will suspect, because thats part of the fun...maybe getting caught.
It sounds like he is skirting the edge of being wayyy out in left feild and doesn't know it...if you care to realize that his behavior isn't about YOU, then you may choose to end the relationship and find a partner who does sexuality like you do, and you mesh in that way.
Or you could slog it out with him, going to counseling together, and getting it all out in the open and working through it...either one is possible and no one will be able to tell you what to do...this is a personal choice for you to make. But, don't prematurely forgive and forget when there is no acknowledgement of wrongdoing, or attempt to change on his part.
Its just not working for you, and thats okay, its part of your core beleifs about what is right and wrong, and its different than his.

[hvert]

Now that you've added details, I do think he is gaslighting you.

Personally, I wouldn't be bothered by the masturbation alone. Given the lying, swinger/dating websites, and travel, I'd be worried about an affair/cheating also.

[Nicks_Nose]

If there is suspicion and mistrust, get out of the relationship. It is not healthy. Don't try to fix it if he is in denial.