[gagirlinpc]

I have been with my boyfriend for one year. For most of the first 10 months we lived a few hours away from each other. We are now in the same city In the last 2 months, our sex life has ALL BUT stopped. We used to have sex every other day at least. And it would be quite a long session. He used to not be able to keep his hands off me. Now everything about sex is null and void. He no longer feels like my boyfriend, more like my best friend. I am so in love with him. I have spoken to him about this and in the beginning of the decline, he simply said he was 35 and not in his sexual prime and that now that we are in the same city, he doesn't feel like we have to cram sex in and that he saw no problem with 3-4 times per week. It was hard to swallow, but I accepted it. The problem is that was an UNDERSTATEMENT. We now have sex MAYBE once per week for MAYBE 2 minutes. He makes me feel like it is a chore and said that I am confusing sex with love. I KNOW he is not cheating, however he doesn't seem to care that I need intimacy. It really irritates him when I speak to him about it. I would completely understand if I wanted it every morning and evening, but if I am honest with myself, I NEED it more than 2 minutes once per week. As much as sex is NOT love, it is a big part of a relationship that separates good friends from "lovers". I can't help but feel unnatractive to him, and my gut tells me that something (other than cheating) is wrong. It really blows my mind and it really frustrates me. I want him and only him, but I DO NOT want to feel like a best friend only. I can remember being so shy I wouldn't let him see me in the shower or walk around naked, now I TRY to do so, just to get his attention, and he doesn't so much as turn his head!!! Please help!!!

[jerrymichele]

Is he on any type of medication? This can really play a big part with somebody's sex drive.

[marjan]

Sometimes, when guys are under work stress, then they lose their interest in sex!
Also, another thing I found out when women are into sex so much, then guys are withdrowing....it's so sad...but it's true....we always have to show that we are not that interested, then they go after it!
probably, you just have to cool it down for awhile, then all will come back...
the good news is that you are at least getting that two minutes session...hehehehe...
good luck
MT

[Rmdctc]

I would say show him what you wrote here. Be very honest and open with him. It also sounds like you need to tell him that to keep going on this way it will affect your relationship negatively. I wish you luck and hope all turns out well.

[gagirlinpc]

No, medication is the same, just asthma.

[gagirlinpc]

There isn't any work stress, and I have tried to act not interested, to be honest it is so aggrevating, I would rather just take care of myself......

[gagirlinpc]

I may show him what I wrote here. He tells me to always come to him with anything I am feeling, yet when he doesn't understand it or agree, it just makes things worse. Oh well, I just don't know what to do.

[jerrymichele]

What I would do is just be very straight forward and tell him that he needs to give it up. Also tell him that you are frustrated. Then tell him that a relationship is a compromise not just 1 sided. Thats what I would do in your shoes.

[solodog]

take this from a man, if hes losing his sex drive its from stress. its hard just being a man! Trust me, its very hard just being a man! You will never fully understand, but trust me its hard being a man.

[gagirlinpc]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Hope things work out.

[gagirlinpc]

This is the man in question, thanks a million for keeping it real. Women don't understand how hard it is out here. Bills, image just everything. It's rough being a REAL man in 2009, let alone a good man. So, I just wanted to say thanks for standing up for a brother and keeping the brotherhood alive. Be easy, one man to another.

[leahcim]

Hate to be brutally honest but sounds like he's losing interest for some reason. Above suggestion is best. Show him what you wrote or tell him exactly how you're feeling and ask him to be honest. I'm male, but was on the opposite end of something similar. Did not end the way I wanted it to.

[Necaberis]

I guess he's cheating, unless he's on hyperactivity medication. That stuff pretty much cuts all your drive; food, water, sleep, sex.

[VickiesPath]

I hate to be the cynic in this bunch but if a man suddenly loses what used to be a tremendous sex drive, there is a big reason lying underneath it. If it's stress from whatever source, such as a question about the relationship, or a personal issue from his past, that's going to be a tough one to crack. You say you know he is not cheating. Are you positively sure? That would be the easy explanation and I'm not suggesting that it is the truth. He could simply be "cheating in his head", meaning he is attracted to someone but has not crossed the line, yet is feeling guilty about even thinking of it. I agree with the previous poster. Sometimes it is tough to be a man because men are not taught or given the communication tools necessary to make their lives easier. Maybe he's testing his feelings vs. the convenience of the sex. Is the problem that he can't communicate those kinds of things to you? Or am I wrong? I know you are growing impatient. Let me give you a little something to inspire you: My husband and I have been married 10 years this month. He is impotent and I am on antidepressants. He was impotent when I met him. Since we were married, I had a full hysterectomy. Viagra worked for him for a short time but then became useless. Needless to say, we have not had "real" sex in several years. But I am more in love with him today than I was ten years ago. He is sad that his body won't perform anymore. I am sad that I have no functional libido. But we cuddle and kiss and talk and talk. And we love each other so very much. Maybe this might give you the chance to explore other areas of interest with him. Does this sound stupid? Maybe I'm too old to really remember how exciting and fun sex can be. But, hang in there and I wish you the best in working this out.

[leahcim]

GAGIRL: Are you saying in the post at the top of the page that you are the guy and that you posted as a woman to see what kind of response you would get?

[Rmdctc]

No I think it sounds like the man in question found that his girlfriend posted this here. I hope things are going well between you two and that your girlfriend knows you used her name on here.

[sweetypie]

....what i think may have happened in recent posts, is that the girl who posed the question took someone's advice on this thread, and SHOWED her bf literally, what was going on.
and let him post his own reply. : )

just my little ol' opinion, but that truly read like a guy talking and obviously he knows his gf will see his posts when she is on, so i think she was standing right there

[bonaire]

Maybe I'll generalize, but I hope this sounds right. One thing that may not have been explored is "expectation". Imagine someone, let's say the girl in the relationship, has had a sexual relationship with prior boyfriends that were 3x per week or more and now this defines her "need". Imagine then that prior relationships went south before the regularity dropped to 1x per week or less. The expectation is "all bf's should be 3x per week..." I agree the 2 minutes is not right but the # of incidents dropping is a sign of change in the nature of the relationship.

Now, current bf who she loves is dropping from expected regularity to 1x per week or less. Girl thinks that something is wrong. It's good to bring it out in the open to voice her wants and needs. By telling him, he can let her know what she's going through. However, her expectation of 3x/week may need tweaking. In longer-term relationships, sexual challenges occur and rate of sex drops. It rarely stays as active as it does in the beginning of relationships. Starting hot and heavy and dropping to a few per month or less is not rare. Medical, job and life changes affect how sexual relationships work. This is part of the reason some people like to date and change partners often - you get to start all over again, expectations met and needs found.

I love my wife and kids. I enjoy my family situation and 15 years of marriage. Having sex 1x a year now is about where we are at. Wife also had a hysterectomy as mentioned by another reply in this thread and doesn't seem to enjoy any type of physical relationship. Body chemistry changes tend to make big changes in our bodies. We just have to accept it or do something about it. There are medical studies that can be done for someone - you can get a hormone survey done to check for loss of tostesterone or estrogen and either change eating habits or take medicines to make things "more normal".

And as always - Love does not = Sex. Sex is a rush of body chemistry. Love is your soul reaching out to another.

[leahcim]

O.K., let's me try one more recap: GAGIRLINPC comes to PC to discuss title topic. Some of us suggest that she be honest and show b.f. what she wrote (although, I thought she'd show a printout).

There were suggestions regarding medication, not into you, and others but many men said stress.

So GAGIRL shows b.f. the screen and all the responses and B.f. responds by saying thanks guys for keeping it real, etc.., implying that whoever suggested it was stress, etc. was right, and they now will live happily ever after at least for awhile longer.

That's what I get out of it now. What do the rest of you think?

[bonaire]

I noticed that too - he did answer at the top of this page. We should let the original poster give us updates, but I actually don't want to speculate more. If they have the resources (insurance or income) they may want to look into couples therapy to weed-out anything that may be causing relationship troubles. I think that her first post about needing the sex and needing the intimacy are two different tracks. Intimacy and sex (to me) are actually separate animals. You can sit together and talk intimately without having sex. And you can have lots of sex without intimacy. I personally don't want to have sex without intimacy and that starts the moment you wake up in the morning. It's how you look at each other, the respects you give each other, whether there is a lot of arguing or happiness, the level of understanding of your partner and more. Sex just follows that.

To judge intimacy, I use my "phone factor" theory. Call your partner. How long do you talk? Is it 1-minute or does it drag on where you actually have to push each other away after a long talk. I just watched the movie "Lost in Translation" last night - Bill Murry talking to his wife on the phone in different scenes is what I'm talking about.

[leahcim]

Originally Posted by bonaire

i noticed that too - he did answer at the top of this page. We should let the original poster give us updates, but i actually don't want to speculate more. If they have the resources (insurance or income) they may want to look into couples therapy to weed-out anything that may be causing relationship troubles. I think that her first post about needing the sex and needing the intimacy are two different tracks. Intimacy and sex (to me) are actually separate animals. You can sit together and talk intimately without having sex. And you can have lots of sex without intimacy. I personally don't want to have sex without intimacy and that starts the moment you wake up in the morning. It's how you look at each other, the respects you give each other, whether there is a lot of arguing or happiness, the level of understanding of your partner and more. Sex just follows that.

To judge intimacy, i use my "phone factor" theory. Call your partner. How long do you talk? Is it 1-minute or does it drag on where you actually have to push each other away after a long talk. I just watched the movie "lost in translation" last night - bill murry talking to his wife on the phone in different scenes is what i'm talking about.

well said!

[degas]

Of course, you have entertained the idea that he has in fact lost interest in YOU haven't you? I don't want to have sex with my spouse anymore because I frankly don't like him "that way". What to do? He doesn"t seem to care, but I miss it even though I was the one who rejected him. What to do? And where to go?

[jerrymichele]

My bf has stress and he still is always wanting it. He's in his middle 30's also. I have been with him for 6 years. So if there wasn't anything physically wrong with him, and all of a sudden he just gave me 2 minutes once a week, yeah I'm going to think that something is wrong. Sorry men, but that is just not your nature if there is nothing physically wrong with you. Yeah stress might play some kind of roll in it, but MEN just don't stop giving it up. From what I always have understood about this, it is a man's way of feeling love from a woman. (sex) Were a woman needs the talking, cuddling, romance, flowers all that sorts of stuff. So, if this was me, and my bf just out of the blue just gave me 2 minutes a week, or nothing at all, then I'm going to think that he's out getting it from somewhere else. I do agree that things do calm down after so long, but when a man is in love with a woman he wants it. Usually when it gets to the clam level in a relationship, it is the woman who's drive that slows down, and the man is the one who mainly initiates sex.

[bonaire]

jm - I don't entirely agree but I see your point. Your generalizations aren't happening in every household. For me, I'd say it is attraction. I cannot "initiate" with someone who I feel doesn't love themselves (let alone me). I do not want to use my wife for my own needs. If the stars align and we are in the right place in our relationship, maybe it'll happen once or twice a year now.

There is a good amount of sexless marriages out there. You just haven't experienced that phase yet - then you may understand. I'm not saying that you're wrong - just that your generalizations are not entirely wide-spread. And no, people shouldn't get divorced if they stop having sex. It's not a requirement of marriage.

[jerrymichele]

Originally Posted by bonaire

jm - I don't entirely agree but I see your point. Your generalizations aren't happening in every household. For me, I'd say it is attraction. I cannot "initiate" with someone who I feel doesn't love themselves (let alone me). I do not want to use my wife for my own needs. If the stars align and we are in the right place in our relationship, maybe it'll happen once or twice a year now.

There is a good amount of sexless marriages out there. You just haven't experienced that phase yet - then you may understand. I'm not saying that you're wrong - just that your generalizations are not entirely wide-spread. And no, people shouldn't get divorced if they stop having sex. It's not a requirement of marriage.

I have got to tell you bonaire that your a good man. I'm sure that when I get older I probably will go threw this. My bf is really good to me, and so even though I'm not in the mood sometimes I give it up. Sorry I hate putting it like that, but I don't know of another way. Now there was a time that I was married, and I cut my ex completely off, because I couldn't stand him. The only thing that came good out of that are my kids. I also agree with you if someone isn't able to perform that you shouldn't get a divorce. I would like to say this, if 1 partner is active and the other 1 isn't there could be a lot of problems in the relationship. IMO a relationship needs to be worked on by both partners. From what I have read with this couple, the girlfriend wants it, and the bf doesn't. I just think that they should come up with a compromise to where they are both happy.