I just hate myself....

I hate myself and I do have very good reasons....

I'm so obsess with him although we broke up and I don't get in touch with him....but I go to his facebook and try to figure out who he's dating....and I guess and then I cry and make myself upset....I am so crazy to do that....that's why I hate myself....It's like I'm taking a knife and cutting myself with it....
I cut off myself from dance class too and all the places he goes....I don't sign up to gmail messenger anymore, but I hate myself doing all these crap...I'm just so crazy....and I can't move on....It's been almost two months that he didn't call me at all and I still think about him....even when I wake up in the middle of night to toss and turn, I think about him....or even if I don't think about him, I think what I have to think that it's missing in my head? then I remember him....I hate myself for doing this to myself....
I just created a monster for myself....I could have just called him and go out with him and find out why? or whatever....but I wasn't brave enough to do that....I let him to just walk away and I didn't ask for any closure even! Probably, I knew the closure already....
I hate myself, because I'm not even in love with him, I'm just obsess about him...probably, because he left me...I left him first and then he made me to go out with him and then he dumped me....It's like a game!
I hate myself for hating myself!
I hate myself for being so jealous....

sorry folks for being negative again....I had to tell somebody....I don't want to tell any friends anymore...everybody is sick and tired of me!

anyway, tonight I'm going to Sacramento to take care of my sister....she has a kidney stones and she has to go to hospital tomorrow morning....I'm so worry for her....

with love
Marjan

Awww Marjan, be strong, I know how you feel. He is not worth it, and you are doing a good job by avoiding him. You may need to delete your gmail account or stay away from facebook. Don't give him that much power. Its been about two weeks for me and I feel good since I ended things. You can do it too. Put all your focus on taking care of your sister. Take care of yourself. Hang in there!

thanks for reply....
I think one of my main problems are dancing....I love it and I loved my class, but now I can't go there....I might just take private lessons then....or I got to find another class....I don't want to see him....but another problem is if I go clubbing, I might see him again...hope not!
Honesty, I don't think he's dating this girl either...at least she's not that pretty...but I'm curious to know why this girl is in Aaron's sister's facebook!
I'm just being a stupid for getting into his facebook and checking on him....he moved on I got to move on too....It always so difficult for me to do that, because I don't get intimate till I really have mental and physical connection....anyway, probably taking care of my sister would reduce my focus from him....

thanks again
Marjan

Marjan- There's a lot of good guys out there; you just have to search real hard! No use in trying to get worked up over this idiot. I used to be in the same boat as you. I went out with a girl at work (only for like a month though) and she basically told me to take a hike and I just became obsessed with her. Not like stalkerish but I my mind became so focused on her I couldn't think about anything else. Here's what I learned: 1. The people that you like and it doesn't work out with them, they are human too. You probably think this guy is perfect and why would he want to leave you, but the thing is, he is human too. The people who seem perfect are often the ones with the most flaws and the most insecure. 2. Just move on. There's other fish in the sea. Make an effort, right now, somehow, to connect with someone. Be more open. Eventually it will lead to good things. Don't go into a shell. It's okay if you do, but try to open up. Smile, laugh, take everything with a grain of salt. 3. Love everyone, including this idiot that did this to you. Don't hate him because he will own you. All your energy will be wasted on him. Your thoughts will always turn to him. Instead, love him (and everyone else). He wants the same thing in life you do but he went about it in ALL the wrong ways. I find in my depressed times, I have to make a concerted effort to reach out to people and to love people. Sometimes it's hard to just snap out of it, so I find music works well and also prayer. If you're not religious that's fine, but there's a lot of beautiful prayers out there on the internet. I also found this blog, happinessinthisworld.com, it's very beautifully written and reading it definitely helps. Good luck Marjan! I feel your pain! But you know what? You'll be just fine!!!!!!! All is well. Life is supposed to be difficult. You have to weather the storms. God Bless you.

((((((((((Marjan)))))))))))))))))))

You are better than him, let it go, HIS loss... Please dont hate yourself, be strong and will get thru this, it takes time, believe me, i was tossed to the curb a few times to mention, but get up, show and and brush yourself off, life is waiting for you and it will be great. as for dancing, you do what you have to, if you love it, do it, dont let him stop you!! life is way too short to waste time on someone who didnt see how awesome you are

Marjan,

I just wanted to let you know that I care about you and understand your obsessions. Please don't think of yourself as being stupid. Your not.

Thanks so much....what you wrote here is really make sense....I've been going back and fort with this guy almost around 10 months now....and now I think he moved on and he's with somebody else....yes....it hurts badly....and I hate that I'm being so obsess checking his facebook stuff....I know there are other guys out there for me....it's just I'm getting too much into my own shell that I can't come out of it....I barely get in touch with any of my friends....nobody calls me anymore....PC is the only place that I feel safe....I love dancing, but I like it with him very much....I'm trying my best to get rid of his thoughts, but they are coming back to me....
I know one day I should be just fine and not think about him anymore....
I know I got to love him and put positive energy out there....When I'm in my high spirit, I attract good people around me....but for some reason, that positive energy has gone from me....I try and try to get it back....I'm sure one day it will all come back to me...those smiles and those endless laughs...I know I'm better off without him....he hurts me over and over and I don't want that....
Thanks again
Marjan

(((((Marjan))))) Sometimes it takes a long time to forget someone. Don't blame yourself for that. Going to see and help your sister is good, it will keep you busy and maybe help keep him out of your mind a bit more than usual. Time will pass, you will heal, you will feel better.

most of us have been where you are.

and for sure, most of us who are my age,

it hurts like hell and it is not an easy road to better days.

but you are strong enough to do it.
if i am, you are, for sure

and you will find even better things ahead, i am quite sure of it.

there is someone who will love you truly, and dearly, and will love you only for what they want FOR you, NOT what they want FROM you.

xx

Awww, Marjan~

I'm so sorry.....

Sacramento, huh?...That's only 2 hours from me....O.O
Let's hook up....I'll help you get your mind off him...lmao....

Seriously, though...anytime you need to talk....pm me, ok?
Happy to help.

~~

Shangrala

thank you so much....I've been so busy....I flow to Sacramento on Friday and drove back Saturday morning....and today the whole day I was babysitting the kids....I'm so tired....I'm going dancing tonight....I will PM you...Thank you so much

Thanks....I know this shall pass too....It was always so easy to get over the guy by not seeing him....but this time is so different....the common friends....but they are mostly together....they went to Palm Spring this weekend for Salsa Congress...they posted photos on facebook....who cares? ha? but why do I get upset? It looks like I'm the one who lost my hobby and my friends....but it's okay....I will find some others....I don't think I would be happy going with them....I have to find myself....
thanks again for your support....It means a lot to me....

Marjan, i have gone through that, don't hate yourself. I myself am trying to emotionally detach from my husbqand, bad thing is we stilll live together, in seperate bedrooms, floors of course, but it is still hard. It's so important for your own well-being to force yourself to be with others. Get support out there and take it one day at a time, for me it's one minute at a time. It's so easy for people to say let him go...but we must do that. Go to therapy, church or something to help you emotionally detach. You are better off without him and i know it must be lonely. Take the time and look within to make yourself happy. I am pulling for you!!!

Thanks for your kind words....I think I'm getting better by time....I'm not going to the places that he goes and I'm not going to the dance class either....that was bothering me the most, but I found out I can't move on if I keep dancing with him and seeing him....I found another dance studio and tonight I'm going there...I have good feelings about it...I met some girls and guys who are going there and they look so decent and I could connect with them better....I went dancing last night, I love it....and I was happy that he's not there....I have to take him off from my system completely....I'm not going to login to facebook either....I got to stop hurting myself and stop him for taking my happiness away from me....
I have lots of things to do in my mind....and I'm going to do them one by one....I'm better off without him and his friends....
I was thinking to go dating again....and I signed up for online dating....but I'm not ready at all...I can't force myself....It's better I stay single and accept it....I need good friends in my life....not shallow people that he has around him....When he met me, he told me he was happy because he found a girl that he could talk to!!!!! wow....and he was going out dancing with these girls for over a year and no connection with any of them!!!!!
What is bothering me is my own thought process....I know if I can control it, I'm living in peace....
thanks again....
Marjan

Marjan your doing the right thing by separating yourself from him. It might be hard, but your allowing yourself to heal from the relationship. In do time you will be able to see who he truly is, and be thankful that it ended. Love is so strong that you just don't stop loving someone just because the relationship has ended.

thanks Michele....I am feeling better not seeing him....can't stand with all the delusion I'm creating for myself....I can't blame anybody else for my misery except myself!
I'm going to concentrate more on my own life and whatever wants to happen will happen....can't predict future! and I can't stuck in the past....

I was just sitting outside of the Coffee Beans meditating with my eyes closed but I had sun glasses....at the end of my meditation, I felt somebody is in front of me...I opened my eyes and saw a guy standing in front of me...I saw him before when I was just get into the Coffee Beans....
Anyway, he told me "I didn't want to disturb you, just wanted to let you know that you are a young very attractive woman". Then he shook my hand and walked away!!!! I just said "Thanks"....It felt good...and I was thinking...God is coming to us in various of forms....I felt he was a messenger from God to not hate myself!

Thanks everybody again for your support

((((((((Marjan)))))))))

Hi Marjan. In the past I have had a hard time getting over the "boys" I have dated. One of them I dated for 6 months and it took me more than a year to get over him. Grief is a process. Let it happen, but BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. I am a big fan of the self help books and so I recommend any kind of book about getting over a break up to you. And...WOW!! That actually happened to you? A guy came up to you and told you you are attractive? That's awesome. I definitely think it's a sign!

Thanks Aria....yes, I got to learn to not beat up myself so much out of such a relationship....I'm not even in love with him, I'm just overly attracted to him...but what is pissing me off is losing the friendships....but it's okay....probably, those friendships weren't meant to be!
I'm feeling better now....It's better when I stay away from them and I don't go to the class....I have to stay away from him, because it's causing me so much pain....or better to say, I'm causing myself so much pain....He's doing his life...and I got to accept it....
thanks again
Marjan