[poorlittlefish]

My boyfriend and I were together for a month but at the time I was unaware that for all but two of those days he was cheating on me with someone else. When the other girl found out about me he chose her and just disappeared - no "you're dumped", no explanation, nothing.

After a few months he contacted me and persuaded me to give him another go but I have never trusted him. His messenger list was full of only female names ("SexyHughes" and the like), his internet history showed he'd been on adultfriendfinder.com (the address came up on auto-complete when we were using his laptop together, I'd not gone looking) and his explanation of why he'd left me for the other girl kept changing.

I took him back on the understanding that I would not put up with any dodgy behaviour or him looking for other women. Throughout our 20-month relationship he's been very loving and affectionate but I discovered he'd been checking out profiles of slutty-looking women on the chess site he's constantly on, sending them messages (then totally denying it, despite his IE history giving it away), watching porn-style videos (ditto), letting me find out from his friend that he'd been comforting a "stunning" girl he works with and shaving "down there" all of a sudden.

Last night he lied to me about something as pathetic as his colleague's choice of outfit so it really makes me wonder what else he lies about or keeps from me. The final straw was when I discovered he has a live profile on a dating site and the site said he'd last logged in 42 days ago. He denied going on the site and claimed that someone else must have logged in as him :-o

My boyfriend says I am paranoid, that there's nothing to be suspicious about and asks why I always assume that something's going on behind my back. Given the history and what I've been left to find out for myself (without needing to actively look), I think I'm right to be suspicious! If I'm paranoid it's because he's made me that way!

If you are in a relationship with someone who claims they want to marry you, do you think it is appropriate for them to be doing this kind of stuff behind their partner's back and then totally denying it, despite the evidence being there in black and white?! It seems to be that in his mind, as long as you are not physically cheating there's nothing wrong but to me a committed relationship doesn't include keeping my options open :-(

[jerrymichele]

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but it seems to me he's doing this right in front of your face. I wouldn't buy that crap that someone else is doing it. I would go with my gut instinct on this one. IMO if it doesn't feel right them it's not right. He's going to keep doing this until you do something about it.

[Pomegranate]

I'd dump him like a hot potato.

[RoxanneMurphy]

D: Of course you're paranoid, according to him, because he's the one doing the shady behavior.
Being in a committed relationship, especially one where he claims that he wants to marry you, does not include any of those things. I once had a friend (who I am no longer friends with for various reason) who claims one night stands aren't cheating, as well as sexual encounters with the same gender isn't either. The biggest question is, 'do you want to marry someone who is a cheater?'. Whether it be verbal, voyeurism, whatever have you. If you can answer that, than that's you're answer to whether or not being in this relationship is worth it.
It's hard to take, but a leopard rarely ever changes his spots. There are a very, very few instances where the cheating will be an isolated instance. It's not that he's done it only once, I guarantee you that it's been more than that. Not only that, he's not even bothering to cover his tracks. He obviously doesn't seem to take care enough to take your feelings into consideration. He may not be constantly physically cheating (however it still seems, from the adultfrirendfinder site, that he still might be looking to), but he's mentally and emotionally cheating, which to many is considered a lot worse (depending on their view and opinion of what cheating actually is).
Don't ever believe that you're that special person who can make him change his ways It just doesn't happen (I've been through the heartache of that). It's just too set in him, and the only one that can change that behavior is himself. It looks like he doesn't want to. It's pointless to talk to him, because he's going to keep making excuses (and seemingly pretty bad ones too) and laying the blame on you, rather than himself for his own behavior (whether it be blaming you for being snoopy or paranoid or whatever excuse he sees fit for that day).
In my honest opinion, he's really not worth your time. Imagine after you get married, and he actively has affairs, and he doesn't bother hiding anything and he proof against him is obvious. What then? Think about it before you decide to get married. If he's lying like he is now, imagine what money things will he hide.

I really wish you the best of luck, and you're definitely not paranoid. He's given you more than enough reasons to be suspicious.

[babydoll233]

Run Run Run, he is lying to you and please be careful, who's to say he isnt sleeping around and you may contact a disease. I dont want to sound mean, but you already know the answer. when you are with someone who you love and loves you back, you should never feel paranoid.... or suspicious... please put you first and take care

Originally Posted by poorlittlefish

My boyfriend and I were together for a month but at the time I was unaware that for all but two of those days he was cheating on me with someone else. When the other girl found out about me he chose her and just disappeared - no "you're dumped", no explanation, nothing.

After a few months he contacted me and persuaded me to give him another go but I have never trusted him. His messenger list was full of only female names ("SexyHughes" and the like), his internet history showed he'd been on adultfriendfinder.com (the address came up on auto-complete when we were using his laptop together, I'd not gone looking) and his explanation of why he'd left me for the other girl kept changing.

I took him back on the understanding that I would not put up with any dodgy behaviour or him looking for other women. Throughout our 20-month relationship he's been very loving and affectionate but I discovered he'd been checking out profiles of slutty-looking women on the chess site he's constantly on, sending them messages (then totally denying it, despite his IE history giving it away), watching porn-style videos (ditto), letting me find out from his friend that he'd been comforting a "stunning" girl he works with and shaving "down there" all of a sudden.

Last night he lied to me about something as pathetic as his colleague's choice of outfit so it really makes me wonder what else he lies about or keeps from me. The final straw was when I discovered he has a live profile on a dating site and the site said he'd last logged in 42 days ago. He denied going on the site and claimed that someone else must have logged in as him :-o

My boyfriend says I am paranoid, that there's nothing to be suspicious about and asks why I always assume that something's going on behind my back. Given the history and what I've been left to find out for myself (without needing to actively look), I think I'm right to be suspicious! If I'm paranoid it's because he's made me that way!

If you are in a relationship with someone who claims they want to marry you, do you think it is appropriate for them to be doing this kind of stuff behind their partner's back and then totally denying it, despite the evidence being there in black and white?! It seems to be that in his mind, as long as you are not physically cheating there's nothing wrong but to me a committed relationship doesn't include keeping my options open :-(

[thaboyfriend]

take it from a guy, from the information above, if he has not cheated yet, trust me he will, its just a matter of time. From what you said above, it sounds like hes not ready to be in a relationship. Move on and save yourself from being hurt

[QuietAndie]

I read all the posts you shared. I'm one of them that have been suspicious about my ex-boyfriend. We still keep in touch over videophone and AIM. But to me...I keep getting strange vibes about him lately and still hardly to have doubts about him.
I would like to let you read the AIM message that my ex-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend who threw at me in harsh messages about me:
BRIDGETSEXY04: u listen u ***** take tht stupid *** away message off la do not want ur sorry useful *** and wht more is tht la gave me ur sn to tell u tht ur not a worthy person la love me not u period so take tht away message off no one want to see ur stupid away message at all la also shld tell u tht himself why waste ur time for with him ur as stupid as u look la love me my ***** not ur cuz ur ***** is old mine is young get a grip of urself find urself a older man la told me tht u cheated on him before so again i dont have tyme for no druma with u and ur stupid away message will not help u solve ur plms so get loss u stupid ***** again la does not love u at all period just using u and u u should know better for wht giving la ur card tht so silly of u to do tht and knowing he buy me wht i need with tht card ur the dumbest woman ever la played u very well and ur just too soft for anything i bet u will **** any men just like lasaid to me ur a hoe tht wht u really r a dumb **** hoe u just keep on wastin ur time u need to get a grip take tht stupid away message off period

I was shocked and learned about his ex-girlfriend telling me about my ex-boyfriend. I susicipous that he gave her my AIM scn. What more...I copied/paste the message send to him what she said. He keep saying that she didn't talk to me and it was his other ex-girlfriend set it up. I was like...he's putting me into TRIANGLE between his two ex-girlfriends. I'm glad that I choose to go over my work and talked to the payroll department that I would like to have my paycheck to mail out to my home address instead of send direct deposit in my credit card that he has it. Because of what his ex-gf mention to me about my card that he will buy her anything what he want! Even though I still love him no matter what. I haven't bother him lately to mess up my friendship with him. However.....I realized that I have learned that my other friends tried to warn me to let him go, he's not worth it. He will continue to use money 'n sex with other girls include his ex-gf will go over his money if I give him. My question...Why can he tell me the truth himself that he's using me for money 'n sex!!!!??? I kept asking myself why????

I will continue to keep it down and let it flow because I have no way for me to keep in touch with him on AIM after I learned about the money issues. So good thing that I made my choice to protect my work paycheck will direct to my home address, so he can't access to use it. I know he will find a way to tell me.

Should I go for it to stay friends with him or let him go and I will move different direction to move on. I need to hear one of your lectures. Thanks!

[NuckingFutz]

Um...these guys need to be ditched. If they want other women...let them have them. Look how much pain they are causing you. Never love someone who cannot love you back. You may really love these guys...but these seem like they only know how to need. Develop some bullshet meters and trust what they say. They should be flashing a constant bright red just about now and he is trying to convince you that the light is green. Do not do this to yourselves. You know better!

[QuietAndie]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Um...these guys need to be ditched. If they want other women...let them have them. Look how much pain they are causing you. Never love someone who cannot love you back. You may really love these guys...but these seem like they only know how to need. Develop some bullshet meters and trust what they say. They should be flashing a constant bright red just about now and he is trying to convince you that the light is green. Do not do this to yourselves. You know better!

Yea...U're damn right about it....I try not to beat up myself down. Only way is I stay home and chillin'. I don't have to bother him. I probably to move on and keep forward to find other things to keep me busy.

[NuckingFutz]

Oh...and if he begs to come back again and if i am right he will. You might also check into possible drug use...specifically crack. If you suspect he might be go to crackreality.com and click on thoughts and observations. I saw a few red flags there that this might be the case.

[QuietAndie]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Oh...and if he begs to come back again and if i am right he will. You might also check into possible drug use...specifically crack. If you suspect he might be go to crackreality.com and click on thoughts and observations. I saw a few red flags there that this might be the case.

Thanks for trying...I knew him for a year. He's not into drugs. He likes to have ladies around him like a triangle. He likes to use ladies' money and wants to have some. Almost every time when I ask him questions about it. He kept saying 'Stop it' Sounds like he don't want to talk about it but I assume that he won't admit at all. Oh well...I still suspect that he would continue doing that anyway.

[biplr4me]

Wow! This guy thinks he is one hell of a player! You see the signs and they all say time to leave. You will never be able to have a trusting relationship with a guy who acts like this. Time to walk away for your mental health.

[leahcim]

This is exactly what my sister went through with a guy that said he wanted to marry her "eventually". She started to find on-line dating sites and even a newpaper clipping of a dating club and other similar info.

He ended up cheating on her and there was proof which I won't go into.

I agree with most of the above. He's either cheating already or will. You deserve better! I hope that whatever you do, it will work out for you. But if you're asking...I'd say "run" as another above has said.

[QuietAndie]

Hello Everyone....
I decide not to call him since I have no words for him because I have nothing to talk about it to share with him. Let him to realize it. I don't have time to let myself to continue thinking or puzzle all about him what he's up doing? Let it go, I try to move on to the next day continue to move forward.

[ADHD1956]

YOU are NOT paranoid!!! Get RID of him!!! HE'S using YOU!!!

I Wish YOU the Best!!!