My Dad & Me

My 77 y/o dad is in a nursing home. His psych. has him diagnosed with late onset Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s & Bipolar Disorder. His memory is still rather good and the Parkinson’s is in the early stages. The history my sister and I have had with him has been rocky to say the least. Despite the fact that I have an anger problem, it has been several months since I’ve lost my temper with him. Until yesterday.

Yesterday morning, the social worker at the nursing home called me. She said someone from Daddy’s church had called and wanted to know if it was OK if Daddy went out of town with them to eat out. She said they would be back late and wanted my opinion about him going. Because Daddy takes so much meds and because he would be late coming in, I asked the social worker to ask Daddy’s doc about it.

When she called me back, she said the doc had advised against it. She also told me that Daddy’s church wanted me to be the one to tell him that he couldn’t go. Well, that didn’t go very well. I have a problem with my memory & when I get angry I can’t recall everything that happens. Daddy and I wound up getting upset with each other. I do think some of it was my fault.

I don’t know whether I should have even gotten involved in that. In my opinion, the church got it started and they should have taken responsibility for it. They know about Daddy’s problems and that he takes a lot of meds.

A few years ago, something similar happened with this same church group. For some time they had planned a trip to Branson, MO. Of course my dad was really looking forward to going. The closer it came time for them to go, they decided that nobody wanted to take responsibility for my dad and help him with his meds. Of course Daddy was upset.

In order for Daddy to go, I told the church group that I would go with them and help Daddy. I said I would even pay my own way. That still wasn’t good enough for them. It’s a group for seniors and I wasn’t old enough. If they let me go, then they would have to let everyone else, despite their age go. To me, that was totally beside the point. The only reason that I asked to go was to help Daddy.

Yesterday, I ended up telling my dad how sorry I thought his church was. Of course he didn’t like that & I know I wouldn’t have liked it either if it was happening to me.

The thing is, when stuff like this happens, I go back to my childhood and remember how I was treated. I had at least 4 friends at different times in my life that Daddy forbid me to be around. Daddy was very controlling. It had occurred to me to ask him how would he like it if he was forbidden to have his friends. But I haven’t said that to him.

I would appreciate some input on this. Thanks.

Dwayne I am so sorry to hear about this. Your poor dad is wanting to get out for a little bit. What I would do is call the church up, and tell them to say something to you first.What I would say to them is consult me first, and please do not say anything to my dad. What's happening is they are getting your dad's hopes up to get out for a little bit, and then he finds out that he can't go, and he gets so upset about it. Which is understandable. I would call the Dr. and see if he is able to get out at all. Maybe the two of you can go do something together. Go out to eat, or take a stroll in the park, watch a movie, something like that.

I'm really sorry that you are having this conflict. It is difficult trying to be sensitive to your dad's needs and wants while at the same time not imposing your personal feelings into the mix. I agree with Jerrymichele's suggestion that you are perfectly justified in requesting that the church propose senior activities to you before presenting them to your father. You are the one who has the perspective of all of the factors that need to be considered before a decision can be made as to whether or not it would be wise for him to consider participating.

Not that you asked for my opinion, but that example you gave where the church group wouldn't let you accompany your father on the trip to Branson seemed ridiculous. If he had an Assistive Dog, would he have to leave it behind because then everyone would want to bring their dog? (Please understand that I am not comparing you to a dog!) I am simply saying that the logic seems to be along the same lines.

I hope you can convince them that they are causing problems by doing what they're doing and they need to run it by you first.

Thanks Michele & Vickie for your feed back. I keep thinking if I had called someone from the church first, things might have gone a little different between my dad and me.

Vickie, that's a very good point you made about the Assistive Dog.

I just talked to the man who picks up my dad for church. He agreed to contact me first. Making that call was hard. I realized that by doing it, it meant I was accepting responsibility & that's always kind of been scary for me. I don't know how to deal with my dad on a lot of issues & explaining why the doc doesn't want him to do certain things is one of them. I am Dad's Power of Attorney and sometimes I worry if I'm making the right decision.

Daddy has asked me to forgive him for the way he treated my sister and me while we were growing up. Sometimes he even cries when he talks about it. But when things get tense between us, I really begin to realize that I haven't forgiven him. I want to use the hurtful things he used to say to me against him.

One of the things he used to say to me was, "My goodness, Son. Be a man about it!" I guess when he said that, I wasn't living up to his expectations. I still cringe when I hear something like that. It occurred to me to use that against him when he was upset about not going with his church group to eat out. "My goodness, Daddy! Be a man about it!" But I didn't say it.