My boyfriend is insensitive.

It isn't that i don't want to change my attitude. I have been trying for awhile to change it. Everytime i manage to have a positive attitude and feel good about myself, it only seems to last like a day or two. Then, I start feeling depressed again when i am around somebody that's negative or something negative happens. I am now able to recognize my triggers a lot more than i used to, but i can't always snap out of feeling negative right away and that is very frustrating. For some reason, i cancel plans at the last minute pretty often. I find negative reasons to justify that going out will be a bad idea. My bf has been alright with accepting it, but i am sure he sometimes feels frustrated by that. We are low on money now anyway so we can't go out and have fun much. I don't drive and neither does my bf which contributes to a lot of my depression. When we go out, we have to spend extra money and it takes more time since we need to rely on public transportation. We haven't learned to drive yet cuz we can't afford a car or insurance right now.

My bf has been slacking on looking for jobs which is most likely why he hasn't found one yet. He has been here for a month and has only applied for 2 jobs so far. I don't want to push him, but it is really making me feel frustrated. I was also under the impression he applied for at least 5-6 jobs because he mentioned a lot of jobs the other evening when i asked him how he was doing so far with the job hunt. This indirect communication is making things a lot harder. I am trying to help him so I email him all these jobs he can apply for online. He doesn't say anything about them though to show he appreciates what i'm doing. Actively looking for jobs all the time for him has stressed me out more lately too. I don't think i have said anything that should make him feel worse lately, but i can tell he's been down in the dumps the way he just sorta mopes around and hardly says anything to me. I understand how he feels, but that makes it harder for me to be stronger for the both of us. He doesn't have much experience at all. For years, he was working on a ranch in Wyoming before he moved with me and he doesn't have a college degree yet. I know he won't have as many jobs to choose from so he really can't be too picky here. Still, i believe if he tries hard enough he will find a job. He just needs to be more motivated and optimistic about his search.

Thanks again for the input.

Well to be honest, I would find the lack of work troubling myself. A job at a fast food joint will bring some money in the house while you're looking for a "better" job. When my husband got out of the Navy, we had the opposite problem. He was eligible for six months of unemployment, we would have actually been making MORE money if he would have taken it because we wouldn't have to pay for day care. But instead he took the very first job he was offered.

I don't know what he did on the ranch, but has he thought of contacting local large animal vets to see if they need any help?

Melinda :-) -

Like a couple of the others...I will try not to be brash but I think it is important that you see another side to this.

I know that I have always been somewhat the controlling or jealous type. I am not saying that you are but please hear me out.

As you wrote all that you have; I could see especially without knowing exactly his past environments etc, a man in particular could feel controlled by some of the things you have mentioned. You need to do as others have said and not spend your time emailing and looking for jobs for him. He should be doing that part !!! You need to focus on YOU ! In the end if you make sure all your stuff is going in the right direction you will start to feel better about yourself.

In the end, as difficult as it seems for you right now, if he doesn't find a job (which I agree is the largest problem in your eyes; so much stems off of that in life), you most likely would not still be with him, right ? This is kinda like anything else; he has to do it for himself. :-)

It is very, very hard for me to bite my lip sometimes. My b/f is the most awesome man/ human I have ever known. When I hang my fears and insecurities on him, it is so not fair to him right? I have seen myself label him off of my past experiences when he no more deserves that than the man on the moon. (lol)

So, I guess my biggest point is to believe in you and in him. You have to give him a chance here and let him know you believe in him. Even if you don't totally at this point, sometimes if you have the attitude it will all fall into place and it will work out in a positive way in the end.

Sorry to be so long-winded; I hope that I haven't crossed any boundaries or upset you in any way. My thoughts are sometimes all over the board so I hope it makes sense also

Jen

Thanks for the all the advice. I think things are slowly starting to turn around a bit between us. He has opened up to me more about how he has been feeling lately and that helps me to understand a lot. I learned so much that i did not know he was going through. He has been slacking on the job hunt because he is scared he told me and i can certainly identify well with that, but the only way to overcome the fear is to confront it. That is what i had to do when i first got a job. He also has been feeling really alone and bored a lot so not having a job is really bothering him.

One of our biggest problems is that we aren't open enough with each other. I don't always mention how i'm feeling to him cuz i don't want to fight with him or make him upset in any way and i know i'm usually in a negative mindset. He has admitted to being the same way with me. He doesn't want me to feel worse so he doesn't want to mention negative things. I told him that i would feel much worse if he wasn't open with me about his feelings though. I understand that we need to be more open in order to have a better understanding of each other though so i think it is something we can work through.

I am now attempting to get my negative thinking under control. That has interfered with our relationship the most so it'd be best to learn how to fix that. I am going to get a cognitive therapy workbook and try to do some exercises to learn more about it. If i can't figure out how to change it myself and it keeps getting worse, i'll look into seeing a therapist. I am just so tired and frustrated all the time. I don't want to keep feeling this way and thinking that my bf is against me.