[notz]

I have no words, but so much to say. I have a cauldron of feelings that boil and simmer. The hurt in my heart is as large as the love that sometimes painfully lives there.

In the mirror of my life I see a clear image. There is relief, a delightful present in a harsh environment. I accept this cool drink because it quenches my thirst. Sometimes it tastes wonderful, sometimes it's hard to take.

I learn every day. I try very hard. I am not perfect. But my heart is true.

[MichelleNY]

{{{{{{{{Notz}}}}}}}}}

[VickiesPath]

((((((((((((((((( Notz )))))))))))))))))

[lynn P.]

Very beautifully said my friend. I feel the same way sometimes. I think you're like me, in that you like to help many people on this site but you also have your own pain and suffering that needs tending. Helpers like us are relunctant to ask for help. I usually just suffer alone. I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with us.

[notz]

I do offer my help whether it's here or in real life. Such a noble way to avoid my own issues! (smirk) In fairness to myself, I have a genuine affinity to help others. It does fill my heart and that's a wonderful feeling.

But that quickness to help and be a friend can be rough and rocky. I didn't have good examples of relationship skills growing up. I 've always struggled with that, especially in friendships.

Since I'm uncomfortable with more than casual friendships, I stay quiet. If you don't know me, you can't hurt me, right? Fractured thinking...the only one who gets hurt is me. Then I fault myself for betraying myself. I conceived that semblance of control in my life while in my single digit years. It didn't work then either!

It's always about fear of rejection for me. Abandonment issues...yeah, I've got stories, too. I find someone that I feel close with and.......and........well I'm trying to figure this out. A love that takes my breath away on one level after another after another
then I wonder where the rug went.

I'm tired of birthing this beautiful thing with so damn many tears.

[Sabrina]

(((notz))) I think I understand the fractured thinking. I do it myself.

[notz]

It's always about fear of rejection for me. Abandonment issues...yeah, I've got stories, too. I find someone that I feel close with and.......and........well I'm trying to figure this out. A love that takes my breath away on one level after another after another
then I wonder where the rug went.

I'm tired of birthing this beautiful thing with so damn many tears.

It's time to pick this paragraph up and play with it again. I can't say why, but I guess the emotional pain is ripe today.

"A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain." - 1st century BC Roman poet Catullus

This poem captures my heart. It sheds my tears of unrequited love. Vainly born of a resting sun amongst soft wind and salty breezes.

"Anna, thy charms my bosom fire,
And waste my soul with care;
But ah! how bootless to admire,
When fated to despair!
Yet in thy presence, lovely Fair,
To hope may be forgiven;
For sure 'twere impious to despair
So much in sight of heaven." - Robert Burns "Anna, Thy Charms"

A love that takes my breath away on one level after another after another
then I wonder where the rug went.

The despair of rejection. Especially when never openly discussed. The torment and aching, longing for what will never be. I torture myself! Imagining heaven as fiery as hell and the seductive bliss beginning with a long exploring kiss. But only in my mind. I am so mean to me.

[MyBestKids2]

Oh my gosh Notz, you are writing my thoughts. Deep, very deep. I'm gonna have to think a while before I can adequately respond (if ever).

I love reading your words, thanks !

[VickiesPath]

Now, even though I don't attend AA, I find my mind going back to those days because the program made such an impression upon me. The slogans and sayings especially stick with a person. Things like:

It's not so much a drinking problem as it's a thinking problem.

Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.

Don't form attachments in your first year of sobriety.

If you really, REALLY look at these and some of the stories in the big book, there is solid reflection that the use of alcohol goes along with a skewed concept of healthy relationships. I had the same problem. I could never figure out healthy relationships. It goes way back for me, in every aspect of my life.....home life, friendships, romantic relationships, employment, marriages....it's only after years and years of therapy that I have had some semblance of a normal marriage.

The life I live today is NOTHING like the life I lived previously, even eight years ago. My current husband and I had to learn new things in order to keep our commitment to each other. It's damn hard.