[kahlan80]

Hello,
This is my first post here, so please bear with me...
I've been seperated from my ex-husband since March 2008, in May 2008 I started dating a man who was my knight in shining armour. He helped me get my house ready to sell, supported me through my ex's attempted suicide, even insisted that my two children and I move in when my basement flooded in August 2008.
My boyfriend is 35, he dated one other woman for 3 years (breaking up 2 years ago), who turned out to be a lesbian, and let him to be with a woman.
BF has always been very private, and very much "me" oriented. Though for a year he was acting like a boyfriend should, if not a little hard on my children. He's serbian, and his family is very controlling, and very well off.
He is very much into role playing games, comic books, and spends all his extra money on his hobbies, despite the house which he owns outright (no mortgage) suffers with a roof that needs replacing etc. When I moved in I had no money, going bankrupt from my ex husband stealing all the money out of our accounts.
I was very scared after the seperation, that I would lose BF, I was adjusting to my kids being gome part of the time (after ex husband cleaned up his act), and generally feeling like I couldn't move on until BF proposed..which to me was an assurance that he wanted me and my kids in his life forever.
Up until July BF had always said he would marry me, we looked at rings, but he would always start a huge arguement with me when I asked when we were moving forward with "couple" decisions, such as when we wanted to get married, when should we fix the the roof etc. My financial situation has gotten much better in the last year,thanks to him because he wasn't charging me rent. We work for the same agency, though I make twice his salary.
He put conditions on us getting engaged that I had to be divorced and completely out of debt, I agreed to that, and did everything I could to meet those conditions - my divorce is almost final, and my debts are only 1/4 of what they were a year ago.
What I have noticed of BF from the beginning is that he gets too locked in his own mind, he gets to angry over small things, though he accuses me of being the angry one. I do have a temper, and it has come out more recently because I feel like everything is his decision.
In July he told me he dosen't want to have more children, when he knows I want one more. Then it became he couldn't handle my kids because they "impeded his fun". Then we shoved eachother during an arguement and he hyper extended my thumb...
Now, for two months, every weekend he have the same arguement - one where he wants to break up with me, then we decide to "try" again. During the week he is reassuring, telling me he just got overwhelmed, then once the weekend comes and the kids are with their dad, I get told that he no longer wants to be with me.
Two weeks ago, after my stating I wasn't comfortable with a woman at his office calling him everything morning, and him assuring me that he wanted nothing but an occasional lunch with a friend, they kissed one evening after work - when he told me he was coming home.
I know I made mistakes in the relationship, but I've always seen an arguement as an arguement - he's never been in a relationship where people yell at eachother - I grew up where my parents and I yelled at eachother constantly and my parents fought constantly- we got it out of our system, and it was over.
I'm so lost right now, I started my life over, my daughter is in school, girl guides, great daycare. I should mention where i live is only a few blocks from where I grew up, so my daughter goes to the same school I went too. BF has never lost anything, never been responsible to anyone or anything - he only got his job because I encouraged it - before that he was a biologist works as a part time limo driver.
So after "breaking up" again this weekend, then decided to try and work it out, I don't know where I stand - everytime we kiss I feel like its the last time, I don't know what to expect from him but pain now. I don't know how someone goes from wanting to marry someone to being so hurtful and mean.
I know breaking up is inevitable, but I hesitate because of my kids, I don't want to disrupt their lives, I want my loving BF back, and I play eveything over in my mind, wondering what I did wrong.

[AAAAA]

I don't know that either of you did anything "wrong". Perhaps, based upon all of the things he's done for you when you needed him, you set him up to be more than he was.

His conditions for getting engaged are not unreasonable. But it sounds like he doesn't want to be in this relationship, even moved on, but is really insecure about how to end the relationship.

I fully understand that you don't want to disrupt the lives of your children, but don't you think they deserve a stable, predictable home? Kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for.

It also sounds like you jumped into this relationship relatively quickly. When we end a difficult relationship we aren't always seeing things clearly.

[kahlan80]

I felt so safe with him, everything felt so right, I was so relieved to have him in my life - I think my pain comes more from trying to figure out where it went wrong, each time I'm told that we're breaking up I'm told of another thing I've done wrong.

I just don't know what he wants, and its killing me that I keep letting him go, and he won't go...so I break down, take him back (or maybe he thinks he's taking me back I don't know).

I feel like my world stopped turning, like there isn't a tomorrow. I know there will be, I just can't see it, and the thought of him not there is like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

I agree with AAAAA......

I also feel you need time alone with your kids maybe get a place of your own localy and see your boyfriend as a boyfriend not a live in lover ?

This will still keep the kids in the same day care and same clubs. Giving you time to think things through whilst still slowly but surely clearing your debts ?

Hugs

[salukigirl]

I agree. I'm in the same situation where my bf never saw his parents even raise their voices at each other but my parents constantly fought so my raising my voice even a little is equivalent to yelling to him.

Its probably not about whether someone did something "wrong". Sounds like youre just not right for each other. My T told me something one time: that everyone has their own communication "style". Mine is straight forward and kind of abrasive. he said there is nothing wrong with that but most people are not that way. Most people beat around the bush and don't just come right out and say what's on their mind. So most likely I will not find a guy with my same type of communication style. So the best I can hope for is someone who is not intimidated by it and someone who can learn to deal with it an vise versa.

So the deal is whether you're willing to find ways around the communication disruption and figure out ways to communicate better. If you're not that into it, then I would leave. And, honestly, coming from a home with 2 divorces (my dad and mom and then my dad and step-mom) I can guarantee you my life would have been more disrupted if they would have stayed together. It's way worse to watch 2 people fight (especially when it's your mom and a potential father figure) than it is to go through a divorce. Keeping them in a situation where there is fighting and misunderstanding will do more damage than just leaving. I know its hard. just know were here to help! Good luck

[theotterone]

Not to sound like a broken record, but I agree with the others...

But that said, I had a thought (scary, I know...)

When my husband (D) and I nearly broke up 4 years ago, I had told a (then) friend (male, and no longer a friend as he pushed boundries too far) that I wasn't getting involved seriously with anyone for at least a year after my divorce was final. I also stated that I didn't want to get married ever again. He pushed back, over and over to "not put those kind of limits" on myself (I found out later he was ready to propose to me as soon as my divorce was final).

As much as it might hurt, maybe you need to break up, you need to get on your own two feet and realize YOU can do it! I know it is scary. Interestly enough, facing that fear myself gave me access to inner strength I didn't know I had. It would probably be a good idea to get into therapy, if not only for you but your kids too. I know I am not a medical or mental health professional (see disclaimer below...), but I think you would find the majority would advise not getting into any kind of relationship for some time after the divorce is final. It's hard and lonely, I get that. But YOU need to be in a better place in your head, not only for you but the kids too. You may need time to find yourself. I have been with D since I was 21 and figuring out who I was at 31 was hard and scary, but I'm glad I did!

Good luck, and know you have support here, no matter what you decide...

[VickiesPath]

I just get this icky feeling with all the yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no going on. Who would want to put up with that going on all the time? You can hardly make a decision let alone know if the decision you are able to make is the right one! Your children will be happier if it is calm. Children hate it if their mother is unhappy. It hurts them. They will be better if they feel that you know what you are doing and you know that what you are doing is the absolute best thing for you and for them. I know that you won't always be sure of that in your heart or gut, 100% of the time, but if you act that way, they will feel confident in you. You can tell them that you may have made a mistake if you want. But you don't have to. Simply tell them that it will be right if you guys are on your own for a while.

My personal opinion is this man is self-absorbed. Sorry for being honest but I have known men like him. Please consider whether or not he will make a good step-father for your children. I have been down this road. It is very important. I just get an icky feeling about him. Please don't confuse gratitude with love.