I really messed up and..

I wrote this poem to/about my girlfriend but haven't read it to her. I'm losing her and im dying because of it. I don't know if this belongs here but I really just wanted to get it out. Here it goes.

Heart on a string and back on the ropes,
Losing for nothing my dreams and hopes,
Regretting my actions or lack thereof,
Considering losing this feeling of love,
Not sure where I am or where I'll end up,
Needing to finally shut up and man up,
The blink of an eye turns it all black,
Shaken to my foundations I'm starting to crack,
Heartache unbearable seeing her face,
Nowhere to go no way to displace,
My past back to haunt me as I knew it would,
Would turn back the hands of time if I could,
My own shortcomings turning my life to ****,
Torn in my chest becase my love wants to split,
What have I become and why can't I be proud,
Living my life with my head in a cloud,
I've said it before over and over again,
Can't blame her for not thinking I can,
Filled with Pity, loathing and shame,
Throwing my destiny like it's just a game,
I don't do a thing but think of you,
Needing to prove my desire is true,
Just give me a month and I swear you will see,
An undeniable change for the better in me,
Must swallow my pride and admit I was wrong,
So I can be with her for longer than long,
Nothing I can say I must sit and wait,
And hope she remembers that feeling of fate.

Just to fill you in a bit, I fell into a bit of a depression and didn't take my responsibilities as a man seriously. I was unable to find work, and generally just being lazy and unresponsive to her attempts to help me. I'm still unemployed, even though I'm trying to find work. I can feel that her love for me is still there, but nowhere near where it was just a few short weeks ago. I wish there was a word to describe the regret, self-loathing, foolishness that I feel right now but I don't believe one's been created yet.

Dear Long Ways,

You may be able to turn this completely around. There would have to be some big, observable, positive changes in you that your GF could see.

Attitude is everything. It's the choices you make regarding your attitude every day. Show your GF & yourself the opposite attitude of laziness, tell her your thankfulness & gratitude when she was working to help you.
True, we cannot change the past... we cannot change the inevitable. It is said life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we REACT to it. And so it is with you... you are in charge of your wishes, dreams hopes & goals. Maybe it would be wise to let go of some - things, ppl, attitudes, behaviors - that have left you feeling so badly @ yourself. You have choices, it's all up to you.

All The Best,
Holmes

The key to turning it around is changing that which caused the bad result. But don't do it for her. Do it for you. Become the person she would want to be with. Become that person for yourself, too.

Thanks for your replies, I needed to hear that. I just feel so ****** right now that it's gonna make it even harder to get out and do what I have to. But, I can't let that hold me back.

I swear to god, you are a carbon copy of my boyfriend. I swear. I swear! Am I in a parallel universe? Seriously. This is blowing my mind. Even the time period's you're talking about are on the dot, it's freaky.

Anyway, it was interesting to see the responses to what would be my boyfriend's perspective, being that I'm in the same position your girlfriend is in. Let me go ahead and say how frustrating it is trying to be serious with someone who's picking up the pieces. The thing you gotta remember is that girls equate progress with love sometimes, and if she see's you slipping into old habits, she's going to think you just don't care about yourself or the relationship. And maybe she's right. Maybe there are days you just don't care, as much as you want to. But you gotta take some initiative and not show how easily beaten you are, otherwise she's gonna think you don't plan on changing if youre going back into old habits.

Dude I'm really trying to not lecture you like you're him right now, haha.

Straight up though, it takes work. It's cool you're reaching out to other people for advice, it speaks volumes about how much you care. That's the bets way to do it really since you just CAN'T make such marked changes on your own. You're off to a good start, although you may need more guidance than that. I would honestly buy a self help book or something to start. If thats not your style, what I usually do is try to research forms of philosophy or even religion [I'm not religious but Buddhists and Jews hold a place in my heart] or things such as that to sort of develop a mindset that would help me perceive the world better so the rest falls into place. [Just don't touch Nihilism, you'll wanna kill yourself.] Anyway, you may need to experiment a bit to figure out what works. I also wanna say that it sounds like your heart is into it, but....Is your head? You need to be proactive everyday and take time, either when you wake up or while in the shower or something, to remember what you're fighting for and what kind of strength it will take. I'm not even kidding, make it part of your schedule [you should have a daily schedule of sorts]. You need to talk it into yourself, studies show that kind of thinking, along with positive ideas about how you CAN change, will make all the difference. Then make a schedule of tasks to do each day so you can have structure in your life, since its hard to know what to do with all that time when unemployed. Cold call places you find interesting, write cover letters, write thank you notes, work on interview skills, do something that enriches you, then work on your relationship [may need to buy a relationship help book too haha]. Maybe spend one of those days finding a part-timer to hold you over. Want fries with that? [Hey as long as you get a paycheck]. If you show her in your daily behavior, not behavior over stilted periods of time [like once a week or something lame like that], that your making changes like this, she'll be impressed. It shows motivation and initiative, and quite frankly.....If you dont try to change everyday like this, you won't make much progress. You'll be more likely to fall back into old habits and forget what you were fighting for in the first place, and thats when you'll get in big trouble, especially with her. Thats when you guys will get into a fight cause she'll see you doing the same things over and over with like, maybe one legitimate attempt at change a week. Don't give her a leg to stand on. But really, its not about her. It's unhealthy for you to think of changing in terms of whether or not you get to keep your girlfriend. This is really all about making you a better person. You are going against tough odds, my dear.

I really tried not to talk to you like you were him but I don't think I succeeded, haha I'm really sorry! I hope this helped.

Don't disappoint her