[Misty dreams]

My boyfriend and i have been dating for nearly 2 years. Although it seems like its been ages. His mum was really nice to me in the begining and was happy for us. That was until she herself got herself a boyfriend. (shes divorced) Her boyfriend would tell her bad things about me and my family and. Like how i am trying to trick her son, and that my family is after him. That she shouldnt trust me and other weird farfetched things. The sad thing about it is that she believed his lies and is trying to convince my boyfriend the same thing. In the end in turned out that her bf was actually the one using her and still she thinks the same of me. My boyfriend and i, we are happy together, but she doesnt seem to care about that. I never did anything to her. Its stressing him alot because he cares about what she thinks. But i kno he doesnt believe her. Although it still affects our relationship, a while ago he said that he didnt love me anymore, and i refused to believe that. In the end i was right. She stressed him so much that he considered to take the easy way out. And now she doesnt even allow him to come over to my place or vice versa... i mean come on.. we are not little kids. I dont have anythin against her really. I just want her to stop interfering. Her reasons arent even logic to begin with! Im really annoyed. I just wanna spend time with my boyfriend, he is sensitive and her interference causes huge stress on him, and i dont know what to do. give up? or hold on...
any advice to my strange situation?
thanks you!

[jerrymichele]

Hi, welcome to pc. I would call her up,(bf's mum) and ask to discuss the matter. Have a family meeting with them, and find out why they seem to think all these things are true about you. I would ask her to bring her bf, so that you can clearify his rumors. If they allow you to do this, you need to do it in a non-combative way. I hope everything works out for you. Take Care.

[noobinberg]

Well, the sad part is that your bf needs to stand up to his mom. He needs to clarify his feelings for you to her. You need him to do this as well, to validate his devotion towards you. Until he does that she'll continue to manipulate him with her emotions. Sorry that's all I have on this. Men can't be men while being fearful of mom's anger or disappointment.

[theotterone]

You didn't mention how old you two are or your age on your profile, so realize I am winging it...

D (husband) and I have been together for over 12 years. His dad and I have butted heads repeatedly over the years. Even D's step-mom tried to get me to believe his dad was trying to convince him to break up with me so he could move in with his dad. (Um, needless to say, the FIL and his wife, #3 actually, are divorcing and he is staying with us right now...) The first time we REALLY clashed, D and I had been together about a year. I told him that I may not be who he would have chosen as his son's mate, but his son was a grown man (he was in his 30s then, I was 23 or so) and he makes his own decisions. Either he could accept that, or not. But if not, he needed to butt out of our lives and that meant any children we had together. (We have two daughters, 9 and 6).

Here's why that worked. My FIL is the type of man who until you stand up to him or back him into a corner, he doesn't respect you. (I am close with D's mom and with her having been married to my FIL for 12 years, she knows him well.) The FIL can be very manipulative. I know D well enough to know he makes his own decisions (we did nearly divorce almost 4 years ago). We are working on MANY issues, but his thoughts are his own. He tries not to have others influence his decisions just as I try the same.

Family dynamics are hard. It is especially hard for me to understand D's family as both his parents are on marriages #3 and his one and only sister (younger by 3 years) is on her second. My parents have been together 39 years and still very much in love. My sister (also my only sibling and younger by 3 years) divorced her husband earlier this year. (They met a month after D and I did). Stay true to you and take care of you. Ultimately the decision to stay together or not lies in him. You are committed, which is great. But the one who is willing to leave holds the power (lack of a better word). All you can do is love and support him, and hopes he makes the right decision for you both.

I know that wasn't all sunny and happy, but I hope it helps. You have support here!

[Pomegranate]

I am going through something similiar with my mother in law. After 12 years of marriage she has suddenly made it clear that she doesn't like me. She has done all the bad mouthing about me. My husband loves his mother and he is not the kind of person that can deal with the stress of confrontation. With his mother, just standing up for himself or me is an act of confrontation, she doesn't know how to have an open minded and constructive discussion about differences of opinion.

Several months ago she told him she didn't want me coming to her home. When that happened a lot came out about all the nasty things she has said about me over the years. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted so it doesn't bother me to not go with him when he visits his mother. We've talked about it and he realizes he has a problem in dealing with his mother. He is supportive of me and says it's nothing wrong that I've done, his mother is just a difficult person to get along with. I accept that and don't push him about it.

As long as he is here for me when I need him, I don't bother him about his going to visit his mother once a month or so. He admits he doesn't even enjoy being with her or talking to her sometimes. But she's his mother and that is a strong bond. I understand that and try not to interfere with their relationship. So I would say to you, let them have their time together. Don't fight with him about her and the nasty things she says about you. Enjoy your time with him, don't make him feel like he has to choose. He is choosing to be with you. That he wants a relationship with his mother too is understandable. Try not to turn it into a power struggle, where he is in the middle between you and her.

[Inny2009]

I had dated my ex for 2 years and i moved to another state where his mom and dad took us in so we could live together and "be a family" and get married and all that. Yea...so...she liked me for the first couple months then just stopped. She even went to the extent of having her sons (my bf at the time) ex girlfriend move in!! Now I had no where to go..i was stuck across the country away from my family in a home that I had to clean cook and do the chores for. I had to serve them, i had to relandscape the whole yard..i put a pond in and everything for them. I had to pay them 500 dollars a month and buy them new appliances all because i was living there. I agreed to paying rent, since it was only fair however i think it should have been less since i was sharing a room with his sister and the ex girlfriend that his mom wanted to marry!! She kept putting the ex and my bf in the same room and talking about their future and getting married. My bf said that he loved me and wouldnt date her and just to not worry...yea...ok....in the end he never stood up for me. He never took the time to support me or defend me when his family wouldnt talk to me for months at a time. One time the whole family except him didnt talk to me for 3 months because his mom told them not to. In their culture she is the ruler and if they didnt do as she said they were considered outcasts. Thats a long time without human interaction. Eventually she kicked me out, i was homeless and alone. Thank God a coworker took me in when i called her in hysterics about having no place to go. After nine days i took a plane and went back home. My husband now supports me, he defends me if his mom has an issue (she never does, only once when she questioned my actions as a mother because i didnt do things the way she did it) He stands up for me in a respectful way. He listens to her but then he explains why i do what i do or why i said what i said. I also talk to her. Your boyfriend has to try and find a happy medium. If he refuses to stand up for you you might want to reconsider the relationship. Will you be able to handle not feeling supported by your boyfriend when attacked verbally by his mother? If you have no problem with it then just let it go. If you do then you need to talk to him and explain the situation and that you would appreciate it if he talked to his mother. I dont believe this is putting him in the middle like ive heard. Its his mother, his responsibilty. Its your mother, its your responsibilty. You know your mothers better than anyone else, therefore know how to approach the situation and know what to say to not make it worse and to enlighten them on the subject at hand. Thats my opinion. Whatever you do is your choice and i wish you all the luck in the world.

[hurley21]

Been there! It has ended in a stalemate. My mother in law and I only communicate when absolutely necessary. Luckily, my fiance has realized her manipulative efforts and can pick up on it.

Best thing is to not fight it at all. If he wants to listen to Mommy and not protect his relationship, might not be the best guy for you...?