Didn't know where else to put this

I've been wanting to post about this for awhile now but wasn't sure what category to put it in so thought I'd put it here.

About 8 years ago (when I was 20, away at University in my second year), my uncle who I had not seen in many years suddenly came back into my life. At first things were fine, we had a good relationship, he and my aunt would come over for family get togethers and we would hang out just like normal family does. After awhile things started becoming ... weird. He wanted to hang out with just me, so he would leave my aunt behind and take me places like mini golfing or bowling, etc. I still thought nothing of it because I thought maybe my aunt just didn't want to come. But then it got even weirder. He would want to drive me back and forth from my University dorm to my parents' house (an hour and a half drive) and he would want to spend the night. (He slept on a chair in the living room because that was the only thing we had to sleep on for a guest). I thought it was weird that he wanted to sleep over but still thought ok, maybe he just doesn't want to drive home at night. Then he would start taking me to these fancy restaurants all the time and kept visiting me all the time at my dorm residence. Then one day he tried to kiss me and that was when I realized something was very wrong so I finally talked to my parents about it and they told him basically to back off. Well he didn't take the news very well and started sending me these REALLY long 10 page love letters (back and front) saying how much he loves me and saying horrible things about my parents. He would call my work and ask when I was working and then show up during my shifts. It really started to freak me out so much that we finally told him if he didn't stay away for good, we would get a restraining order. He finally backed away and I didn't hear from him for 7 years. Then my grandma died this past March and I ended up seeing him and my aunt at the funeral home and everyone acted like everything was fine and he was nice as pie and I had to see him a few more times because we were all out of town and staying with family and so we kind of had to all be civil with each other. He told me he went for therapy and that he had changed and part of me thought that maybe it was a misunderstanding.. maybe he really didn't intend to do what he did, so I started to accept him back in my life and I also knew that my mom wanted to see her sister again (his wife, my aunt). And then we all came back home and my aunt (his wife) got cancer and it made me feel horrible for not talking to them for all those years because the cancer almost killed her (she's still not quite out of the woods yet). He really did seem like he had changed and things were going good but then he lashed out at my mom one day for showing up there without calling first and sent her a nasty email telling her she is not allowed to see her sister anymore and that we should be damn grateful they even spoke to us again after what *we* did to them. I am just so distraught... Did I do something wrong? Did I jump to conclusions too fast? I spoke to my other aunt the other day and she told me that he told her that I imagined the whole thing. That really upset me because I still have nightmares to this day of him and what he did in the past. I don't think that is 'imagining' things, is it?

I just feel like maybe I should have handled things differently.. I don't know.. I hate that my family is all broken up and it makes me sad that my mom will probably never see her sister, who has cancer, ever again.

Thanks for listening and sorry this post is so long.. If you've gotten this far in reading it, I really appreciate it and thank you!

(((((((((((((( Amanda 1981 )))))))))))))))))))

It sounds like you handled the situation well, I don't see how you did anything wrong. Sending you hugs

Amanda,

Everyone sees events differently. Sounds like your aunt is seeing things through your uncle, who has his own view of reality.

We have to do what we feel is best for us, and cannot control how other people react. At one point at least, your uncle realized the problem was so severe that he needed help with it. Some things even therapy doesn't "cure" but hopefully helps you to deal with it better.

Do the best you can with the situation you are in. I know it's much easier said than done when you are put in a seemingly impossible situation. Just remember that the only person you can control is yourself.

(((Amanda))) - I thinked you handled the situation very well. He sounds like a creep and a bully. Is there some relative who's a man in your family who can back your mother up!!! Your mom has a right to see her sister. Shame on him for saying you made this up!!!

When I was 13 my brother in law drove me home from babysitting my sisters children. He came into our house cause my brother was home. My brother later left with his friend - so a few minutes later my BIL stood up to leave and he grabbed me trying to kiss me. I pushed him away and ran to the bathroom and locked the door. I threatened to scream out the window if he didn't leave.
I never told anyone until I was 24(I told my brother). I never did tell my sister - I was afraid it would break up their marriage. I wish now I did tell.

Your uncle is a creep and he's needs to be put in his place. Your mom needs to see her sister. You did nothing wrong so please put aside any doubt.He seems very manipulative with you and his wife.

Amanda,

Lynn hit the nail on the head. Your uncle is a creep. His actions created this situation. He was the "adult" and he is responsible. You did exactly what you should have done, i.e., told your parents and revealed what your uncle did. Thank goodness they believed you and backed you up. Too many times, the parents don't believe their child in order to keep family harmony or some such nonsense.

He is once again creating havoc in the family. It is a tragedy that your mother cannot see her sister. It is not your fault. It is HIS fault. He created this mess. Frankly, I believe that a skunk eventually shows his stripe. He won't be able to fool your aunts forever. I hope that someone steps up and acts like an adult and stops this charade. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up about it. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself from this man.

He is a creep. I find it hard to believe that your aunt stayed with him after the fact. You, your mom, and dad did right by confronting him for what he did.

I fully concur with Lynn and Vickie above. You handled the situation just fine, and you could have done nothing else! He was the bad actor, not you. This continues to be the case in his attitude of not letting your mother see her sister, using this as a means of getting you to "take back" that which you know is the truth. Essentially, he is trying to blackmail you and your family. Is there, in fact, someone strong enough to successfully support your Mom in her efforts to see her sister and do you know, in fact, what your aunt's actual wishes are in the matter? To paraphrase what one of our past Presidents once said, {we} don't barter with terrorists. You did not imagine any of this and it would not be appropriate, in my opinion, that of an outsider to be sure, to retract any past accusations that you know to be true in order to put this bully in a nice golden light. What is to say that he would, even then, agree to let your Mom see her sister? This is a manipulative ploy in my opinion. Stick with what you remember to be true. billieJ

Another one in the long line of agreement...

you did fine.
You did not over react.

sending hugs... not a fun place to be in

Thank you everyone for your replies. You're right, he IS a creep and it's sad that my aunt continues to stay with him. But I know she will never leave him because she is too dependent on him and he controls her so much and (she has severe agoraphobia and anxiety and won't go anywhere) so she is stuck there. He never leaves her alone but the few rare occasions that she has been alone, my mom and her siblings have offered soooo many times to give her a place to stay if she wants to leave my uncle but she refuses to leave him because she doesn't want to believe what a creep he is. They have separate bedrooms and they are not in love. She depends on him to take care of her with all her medical conditions and her psychiatric conditions and he in turn controls her and manipulates the family and now won't let any of the family see her. I just can't believe I ever thought he had changed.. I just guess I always try to see the good in people but what he has done now is just unbelievable. My mom is miserable, missing her sister, not knowing if the cancer has spread or not, Christmas is coming up and there's hardly any family left to spend it with. I just don't understand why people do things sometimes..