Mom is sick & bro's still a @#$%^&

Hello All --

It's been almost 4 days since all this went down, and I'm just coming to terms enough with it to even start to be able to write about it.

On Sunday, my mom called an ambulance to take her to the ER because she couldn't breathe. My mom is "old school" when it comes to doctors. She doesn't "believe" in them. And when she says she doesn't "believe" in them, she means that they have as much meaning for her as other things that people don't "believe" in, such as ghosts, fairies, UFO aliens, etc.

So, for my Mom to call an ambulance to go the ER means she must have been plenty scared.

My cousin, a level-headed woman of 50, joined my mother there and said that that the doctor told mom she probably has emphysema. This comes as no surprise, since she has been a heavy smoker for 60 years. She doesn't "believe" in the surgeon general's warning, either.

My cousin was concerned because my mom was telling the doctors what tests she would and wouldn't take. And my mom doesn't take prescribed medicines as she ought. She wanted me to talk with mom about following through with the tests and so on.

I got mom to promise to follow through. The next day she said that she was given an inhaler and could breathe again. And she thinks it's sinuses and "everyone has their own opinions" -- meaning her opinion that it's a sinus infection is as valid as the physician's opinion that it's emphysema.

I've been distraught. My mother is helping me financially. More than that, SHE IS MY MOM AND I LOVE HER. I can hardly imagine life without her. It's not a blissful mother-daughter Gilmore Girls relationship. It can be rocky and disappointing but SHE'S MY MOM AND I LOVE HER. I just want to hold onto to all my elderly relatives and say, "No, don't go. Don't leave me here all alone."

I contacted my brother via email -- via email to minimize the hurt he causes me whenever there is contact between us.

He Made a snotty remark about how she is in denial, even now, at the end. Then he told me about his recent trip to Catalina, which is near where my X lives with his new gf -- the X who abandoned me. My brother has championed my X, told me the ways I'm at fault, takes the X's word as gospel, refuses to let me defend myself, and has pretty much left off contact with mom and me as a result.

Bro told me about all his travels plans for the year and added that he would, of course, probably have to set aside some time now for his "family obligations. See you there. I guess that sounds cold."

I've had a feeling for a long time that the last time I'm gonna see my brother in this lifetime is at my mother's funeral. And he's going to show up, acting arrogant and self-righteous, as if he's the only person in the world who knows how to live. And it's so strange, because I have a Ph.D. and I seem to get along just fine in the old immigrant neighborhood. And my brother is a truck driver and my aunt and uncle have come to me and said, "Why does your brother act so strange and as if he doesn't like any of us when he's here?"

I'd prefer that he just not come if his attitude is that his own mother's funeral is such an effing big obligation for him to tend to.

I'm upset about it all. All of it.

Hi Wants,

I just want you to know that I've read your post, and I can feel the many pressures on you at this time.

You know that I have had similar family experiences.

I'll be thinking about you. PM anytime.

Myzen

i wish we could choose our family members.....i'd take the osbournes.......but since we can't..we'll help you work through this with yours...okay? first, do not let the brother push your buttons. don't give him your power!!! don't!!! he wouldn't know how to use it!!

now, for Mom.....getting her to take care of herself is going to be a big struggle. but, as i've come to know and love you as a friend, i've realized that you're a very determined woman and you have a good head on your shoulders. work her into this "caring" attitude, a little at a time...let he think that she thought of it. that might work.....or you could use the emotional approach...tell her how hard it would be for you to lose her.......you'll know best what to do and how to approach her........and remember, i'm just a PM away. it's my early night and i'm going to bathe now and eat....i'll be back on in awhile.....xoxo pat

Thanks, Myzen. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

I have a brother who is similarly aggravating. It's so stressful. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I hope your mother improves.

Remember to take care of yourself, too.

gg

Hi Pat & Gardener Girl -- Thank you for being with me here on this.

Oh, yess, I've already told mom that altho it is selfish, I just wouldn't be able to get through life right now without her. That I might become a bag lady if she weren't here. Now, if I am Tough Old Broad, as September has told me, my mom is the Queen of the Amazon Ladies, a female John Waye, a Duchess.

I was once blathering away about my college angst, during the late 60s. I always felt that she was tuning me out -- never gave what I wanted. She turned to me and said: "You come from the let it all hang out generation. I come from the stiff upper lip generation. You want me to respect your vaues. Now I am asking you to respect mine."

Meaning "shut up" about all this stuff. Now, that was cold and disappointing. But it also was very smart and insightful of her. It let me understand where her boundary was and the nature of the respect she wanted.

I think she's softened on this as she's gotten older. I will be checking in on her. I'd been planning on going up north in July, and now I definitely will follow through. Also will keep tabs on her through my cousin. And pray that she will GET OFF the ciggies.

I definitely will be asking her, if she doesn't, if she wants to spend her last days wheeling an oxygen tank around with her and breathng through a nose clip. If she wants to bet her opinion that it's sinuses against the physician's, that it's emphysema, with the loser's prize being the Big Tank. If she really enjoys cigarettes that much. For she always claims that she is [b]not[/i] addicted. She smokes because she enjoys it and can quit any time.

At Christmas, when she was blowing smoke in my face and my lungs were filling up -- and she offered me a humidifier instead of stopping the smoke -- I burst out -- "You love your cigarettes more than you love your children." I didn't mean to say that, and it hurt her. But I imagine that it is a factor in all that she's thinking and feeling right now.

Thank you, again, all, for staying with me as I work my way through this issue.

cheesy music in background.......dionne warwick and fayerody harmonizing, "that's what friends are for".........tornadoes touching down all around me........eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

It has been brought to my attention that an original word in this subjectline was a vulgarism or obscenity that is banned on this site. I was not trying to push anyone's buttons or limits. I simply was unaware that the word was anything more than a negative label. People use the word "suck" all the time, which I find very offensive, because it is a shortened form of a word that refers to a sexual act generally considered obscene, but it appears that most of America does not know this, because it is used all the time by all kinds of people. I happened to be ignorant about this particular word. It happens. No offense was intended.

Hi there Wants,

Oh how sad I am feeling reading your posts about your mother. It takes me back to last September with my mother, getting mad at her because she wouldn't have another Doctors opinion on the lymphedema caused from the radiation & surgery that removed the lymph nodes. Asking her if she wanted to be in a wheel chair for the rest of her life with legs the size of tree stumps. Then realizing that she was going down hill & that she had actually defined the end of her life by ignoring herself until the cancer was stage IV. I am now the adult orphan that I wasn't ready for. And she ended up putting me through situations that never should have happened if she hadn't been so selfish. I tried so hard to allow her the independence she wanted & got hurt in the process along with being accused of elderly abuse to her.

It is really sad because I CAN'T look back & say SHE WAS MY MOM & I LOVE HER. All I see it the grief & terror she put me through. The way she took everything she didn't want to hear personally & either attack or ignore because of it. I didn't have any family to help me through this time & thought how wonderful it would be to have had someone to pool thinking, decisions, & support. I could be very wrong looking at your situation...maybe it is best to be the only one since I wouldn't have wanted to fight with anyone else.

I am sorry to have brought me into this except it is larger than life inside me for the past 6 months & it kinda triggered what is there already.

I do hope you have an easier time negotiating with your Mother & can get her to come to her senses. If your brother doesn't want to be there for her, that is his issue, not yours. Maybe you are better off without him & it might make things simpler for you in the long run. If you don't put any expactations on him, then he might plesantly surprise you, or not. I do hope that your Mother can come out of the situation she is in, but the selfishness in smoking is probably not the only place that personality shows up. I am sure that LOVE you feel for her will really help you out in the long run also.

Take care of yourself above all.....if you would like to PM ever, I am here....not that I am much help other than how not to do it.
Debbie

Gosh, how awful about the smoke. I can't imagine how I would handle that. My father has smoked his whole life. Funny, he and I have had a rocky relationship too, and he seems to be softening.

I hope that softening leads to feeling more connected and valued by your mother.

And hmmmm, maybe carry a personal fan to deal with the smoke?

Take care,
gg

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I am sorry to have brought me into this except it is larger than life inside me for the past 6 months & it kinda triggered what is there already.


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Hi folks,

I just want to pick up Debbie's point that our posts can trigger one another. IMHO this is still a good thing as we are talking out in the open about stuff which has very often been shut inside for years. This can't be a bad thing. I for one have found Wants thread to be very helpful, putting my own story in perspective.

One of the worst things about being closed off is that we live inside our own stories. Sharing beats that, even if it gets a bit triggery sometimes. I think it's a healing process.

Cheers, e

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