[Zen888]

I haven't seen or spoken with my brother since December of last year. We only recently reconnected through e-mail communication. We plan to meet on Monday for coffee at Starbucks.

I miss my brother but I also feel angry at him as well.

He doesn't want to have any involvement in my treatment for my medical condition. He wants me to turn for help and support from medical profs. . Our parents have both passed many years ago so essentially we are each others only family. But I feel like the black sheep of the family since I have my medical condition and have been hospitalized numerous times...etc.

I feel as though I have to put on a performance for my brother in order to keep the peace. I have to pretend that it doesn't hurt me or anger me that he will not support me or comfort me on my path to recovery. I have been stablized for 3 years now.

I think that my brother will always view me as being ill and dysfunctional. And he will never accept that I have stabilzed.

I want a closeness with my brother that he doesn't want. He wants our lives to be completely separate. Which makes me feel like I am going out for coffee with a stranger whom I am genetically related to. I use to like to give him bear hugs which he doesn't like at all he only will accept "manly hugs" ... 4 ft between us and a pat on the back.

And due to his profession he acts/thinks like he knows everything about psychology and psychiatry. He has even dx me with disorders. I asked my former psychiatrist if I had the disorder that my brother dx me with and he said that I do not have that disorder. I feel like I am under a microscope when I am around him. Anything I say or do is being analyzed and interpreted for whatever dx he can come up with. I can never just relax and be myself for fear of being told I have this or that disorder.

I want to rebuild our relationship but I seriously do not know how to do it when everything has to be on his terms. There is no room for mutual agreement or descision making.

Sometimes I think that what is the point of having a brother if I receive no support or comfort from him at all? I am sick and tired of paying ppl to support and comfort me. Or depending on the kindness of strangers for it.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((( Zen888 )))))))))))))))))))

[ECHOES]

(((Zen)))

I think it can just be a male thing, or maybe a brother thing. I know some siblings are close and that must be nice, but it just isn't that way for many. I think that is particularly true for males/brothers. Perhaps it has something to do with their role as the head of their own family, I don't know. I do know that I stopped trying to figure out my own brothers. From the time they married many years ago, it was as if they designated their family relationships to their wives. I used to write my heart out to my own brother, only to be flabbergasted to get a reply from his wife--who I barely even knew!
It hasn't changed as the years have gone by.
One is nearby, the other is miles away.
For me, while it is hard to deal with sometimes, it is more peaceful to accept.
They get to choose their relationships, as do I.

[jerrymichele]

I have a sister similar to the way your brother is. I haven't talked to her in 3 years, but it is my choice. Both of our parents are both gone too. What I would do when you see him, is just talk about current events. If he brings up your health, I would just say that I do not want to discuss this with you. I know that it might be upsetting to you, but he is just that type of person. He just doesn't understand. My sister has gave me so many of her opinions on my health. I just don't listen to her. Most of the time it is said intended to be an insult towards me. I can't even have a conversation with her without her husband interfering in it. I also do agree with what ECHOES said about men. Zen he might be your brother, but that doesn't mean that you need to take his crap either. You also have a choice in this. My experience with family is they can be the first ones to screw you. I have had way better friends, and even strangers treat me better than my own family. Friends can be a part of your family. You just need good quality friends. There are a lot of good people out there.

[Gabi925]

I think that JerryMichele answered there for me too. I would press thank you to her but I do not know how she might interpret that Same situation in different version with my sister! Let your brother to feel important...and show him back that you understand his need for that and do not let it to upset you. In a way you are more confident than that! But attract him attention that you do not need him as a specialist in disorders as you have been already diagnosed by less prejudicial minds, but like a brother. If he knows or could comprehend what means that!
You can write here and to me anytime as I have relied on friends more than on family too.

[Pomegranate]

((((Zen)))) I have faced the same problem with many of my family members, most of them. I finally realized, with help from therapy and lots of self help reading that I can't have a relationship with someone who only wants to have one entirely on his own terms, or does not really want a relationship with me at all. It is futile to keep trying.

I used to think that if I just got "well" enough or "good" enough or something ENOUGH, then my family would accept me or try to make an effort to have a relationship that worked both for them and FOR ME. I now know that there is nothing I could do or say, or any way I could act, that would give me a comfortable relationship with my family. It was painful for a long time after I realised that, but grieving eventually enabled me to let go and get on with my life.

You have all of us here to talk to, to support you, in addition to all the mental health professionals involved with you. There is nothing wrong with that. We are lucky we have each other is how I see it. You, and anyone, can PM me anytime. I am here for you.

[Zen888]

I e-mailed my brother last week and told him I will ill with the cold/flu. He replied by just saying to give him alot of notice so that we can get together sometime soon.

My brother has never been the warm and fuzzy type like I am. I guess I was expecting to much from him to send me an e-mail to ask how I am doing and is there anything I need? He hasn't e-mailed me once!

I am going to let him be the one to initate any further communication between us. I am not putting myself out anymore for him or for other people who just "play nice" with me and want a superficial relationship with me. I want an authentic relationhip with my brother based on mutual trust, honesty, respect, caring,...list goes on!

[Zen888]

[Sabrina]

He obviously hasn't contacted you and I can sense your frustration, confusion and anger. It is so hard to let someone else initiate communication. It seems to me that you have done all you can in trying to recreate a bond with your brother. Sending you strength to deal with this.

[Pomegranate]

Zen
Your brother does not deserve your care and concern.